The Liar’s Daughter. Claire Allan
Very sick. And I need to be – no, I want to be – here for her, and for Heidi, because we don’t know what time we have left.’
I heard my mother sob as Joe crossed the room and took her hand. I saw the shock and hate on Ciara’s face.
Mammy squeezed my hand tight. I heard a small groan, barely perceptible, leave her lips. ‘Joe!’ she said in an angry whisper before nodding her head in my direction.
I felt as if the ground had just shifted under my feet and things were never going to be the same again. My mammy was sick. They didn’t know what time they had left. What did that mean? Did that mean my mammy was dying? No, that was impossible. It was unthinkable. I remember putting my hands to my ears to block out the noise, but it was already too late. The damage had been done. The words had been said and they couldn’t be taken back.
Now
Alex sits on the edge of our bed, taking off his shoes. They clunk to the floor and he kicks them out of his way before standing up to undress.
‘That wasn’t as bad as it could have been,’ he says.
‘It wasn’t great,’ I say, stroking Lily’s head as I give her one final feed before bedtime. ‘It was awkward.’
He pulls his T-shirt over his head, exposing the fine smattering of hair on his chest, before he pulls back the duvet and climbs in beside me.
‘It was always going to be awkward,’ he says, leaning over to kiss me on the cheek and then to kiss Lily on the top of her head. ‘You haven’t seen her in what, ten years? And when you do, it’s not under the nicest of circumstances.’
‘I suppose,’ I say, unlatching Lily from my breast and putting her on my shoulder to try to get her wind up.
‘She seemed upset after she saw him,’ he says. He’d arrived while Ciara was upstairs and had sat with Stella until I finished breastfeeding. ‘Do you think she’ll get involved in his care?’
I shrug. ‘I hope so, but I don’t know. And that girlfriend of hers wasn’t giving anything away.’
‘Stella? She seems nice,’ he says. ‘They seem to be happy together.’
And they do. I saw how Stella had looked at Ciara when she had come back into the room, how she’d held her hand and mouthed ‘are you okay?’ before I had the chance to ask after her. I saw how Ciara placed her head on Stella’s shoulder as they sat together, letting her usually impenetrable guard down for just a moment or two.
‘Are you okay?’ I had asked as if I hadn’t witnessed the interaction between the two of them.
‘What do you think?’ Ciara had said. Or snapped. It felt like more of a snap.
‘It must be a shock for you, all of this,’ I added, trying to be polite.
‘That’s one way to describe it,’ she sniffed, looking around the room. ‘This house hasn’t changed much over the years.’
Her judgement, even though it wasn’t the house I lived in, and even though I had no say over the decoration of it, made me bristle.
‘Joe’s very set in his ways, you know,’ I said.
‘Actually, I don’t know. The man’s a virtual stranger to me.’
I felt chastised again and with each answer from her I could feel myself shrinking back into the little girl I was all those years ago who was afraid to speak.
‘I’m sorry things have been difficult for you,’ Alex said, and it took me a moment to register that he was talking to Ciara and not me. I realised then, as she looked him up and down, that I hadn’t even introduced them.
‘This is Alex, Heidi’s husband,’ Stella said, getting in ahead of me with the formalities.
‘Oh God, yes, sorry,’ I said. ‘I should’ve said.’
‘I was able to figure it out myself,’ Ciara said, looking at me with something akin to disappointment on her face.
Why was I so useless, so socially inept?
Alex spoke, making up for my tied tongue and awkwardness. ‘Look, we appreciate this isn’t easy. But we want you to know you’re welcome here any time you want. If you want to spend more time with your father. We can get you a key. Heidi is here most days at the moment, helping, but if you’d rather have time alone with him then I’m sure Heidi wouldn’t mind.’
‘Can Heidi not speak for herself?’ Ciara asked.
‘I can,’ I answered, blushing at having my social ineptitude called out so openly. ‘But what Alex has said, it’s true. Whatever you need …’
‘I don’t need any of this,’ Ciara had said, waving her hand around, signifying the house around her and the entire situation. I watched Stella rub her hand, tenderly, soothing her. ‘I need to think about it. I’ll be in touch.’
Now, with Alex beside me in bed, I can’t stop replaying the entire conversation over and over in my head and forensically picking it all apart. Her words. Her tone. The looks she shared with Stella, and Alex, and me.
‘You don’t think Ciara was sharp? Nasty and bitchy?’ I ask him just as Lily produces a momentous burp that rattles her whole body.
‘Not overly, Heidi,’ he says. ‘Given the circumstances. I’m sure she doesn’t know her right from her left at the moment.’
‘You really don’t think she was off with me?’
He shakes his head. ‘No, I don’t. Honestly. I think she’s a person dealing with some pretty major stuff and it’s clearly stressing her out. But I don’t think it’s necessarily aimed at you, personally. Try not to overthink it.’
He takes Lily from me and lays her in her cot before climbing back into bed and switching off the bedside lamp. ‘I’m worn out,’ he yawns, turning onto his side away from me. ‘Try to get some sleep. It will all feel a little more manageable in the morning.’
He drifts off within seconds – I listen to the pattern of his breathing change. I wonder, how can he not have noticed how she was with me? Her resentment dripped from her every word. I’m not overthinking. I’m not always just overthinking.
Now
Mammy sits wringing her hands together. ‘I knew it. I knew there was something wrong and he wasn’t telling me. I could feel it in my waters.’
My mother has never stopped loving my father. She might say she has, but her feelings are written across her face every time she hears a mention of his name.
‘I didn’t think you saw much of him any more,’ I say.
She blushes, looks down at her hands, where she still wears the plain gold wedding band he put on her finger almost thirty-six years ago. ‘I don’t. Well, not much really, but I stopped mentioning it to you because it only seemed to annoy you. I can’t believe it, Ciara. He’s dying.’ Her voice breaks, but she composes herself quickly, taking a deep breath. ‘And he wanted to see you? That’s good, isn’t it?’
‘Mammy, he has always wanted to see me. It’s me who hasn’t wanted to see him and I’m not sure that’s changed.’
She bristles.
‘He’s