Jog on Journal. Bella Mackie

      In five years of running, I’ve stopped having the panic attacks which paralysed me. I’ve been able to go to places that my anxious brain would’ve prevented me from visiting. I’ve taken on challenges that I would’ve hidden away, and I’ve graduated from a life half lived to one that feels full and exciting – not tinged with fear and endless panic. I still have moments of anxiety and low mood – after all, running is not a cure-all (nothing is) – but I’m mostly able to dig myself out of these moments now, and for that, I credit my daily jogs. I can draw a direct line from that first short run I took to where I am now, and I’m far from the only person to feel this way. As the legendary runner and author George Sheehan once said: ‘The obsession with running is really an obsession with the potential for more and more life.’[1]

      The response to Jog On was bigger and more emotional than I could ever have dreamed. I wrote it honestly and openly, hoping that it might help a few people and make my family understand my brain a bit better. But it ended up being a best-seller, and I’ve had thousands of messages from people who read it, either telling me about their own battles with mental health or asking for tips about how to get into running. It made me realise that one person being really honest about their mental health can produce a knock-on effect. Being blunt about my weirdest thoughts and scariest moments seemed to help other people open up and talk about theirs. It’s a hard thing to do – especially when you feel as though other people will judge you or recoil. But it’s really the only way to shrug off the long-held stigma surrounding mental illness and – more importantly – it’s the only way to help yourself. It’s nice being alive at a time in history when we’re dismantling the traditional stereotypes about mental health, but it’s even nicer being able to feel like you can tell an employer, a loved one or a doctor about what you’re going through without fear of mockery or anger.

      Despite knowing how important it is to open up to others when we’re feeling low or worried, sometimes it’s still hard to actually do it. I told parts of my story to different people for years – shading in bits and holding back certain details depending on what I felt the other person could handle. And sometimes you just want to have a place to talk about this stuff without having to manage another person’s expectations. So this journal will be an honest place to do that. A space to learn a bit more about mental health, somewhere to start or further your running journey, a place to reassess what you want from running and, most importantly, a home for all the thoughts you want to get out.

      There’s a good reason that people have kept diaries for centuries. Though he was far from the first, Samuel Pepys is probably the most well-known diarist.[2] He jotted his thoughts down for ten years between 1660 and 1669 and wrote over a million words – many about his mistresses. (Maybe it assuaged a guilty conscience. If it did, he hid it well.) Cognitive behavioural therapy also encourages the subject to write down their thoughts – a form of brain homework if you like. More on that later.

      Pepys might not have made the link between his obsessive record keeping and his own mental health but modern research has. Brain scans have shown a change in the amygdala – the part of the brain responsible for processing our emotions – when we put pen to paper about our worries.[3] Studies have even shown us that writing down our negative thoughts and emotions might help our physical health – prompting fewer trips to the GP and leading to less time off work.[4]

      Think of it like a Pensieve (if you’ve not read Harry Potter then firstly, wow, and also, a Pensieve is a stone dish you can put your memories in when you feel like your mind is overflowing with them) – somewhere to offload the stuff that’s worrying you and look at it from a place slightly removed.[5] A thought whirring around your mind gets gloopy and collects detritus as it goes round and round, making it hard to rationalise. But by looking at the thought summed up on paper, we’re able to see it more clearly and – hopefully – let go of the anxiety around it.

      I received so many questions from readers when Jog On came out, questions about running, about panic attacks, about how to motivate yourself when it feels impossible, about the best running trainers and even about what ice cream I eat after a jog. So many of these queries will be addressed in the coming chapters – because there’s nothing better than a gaggle of avid readers to tell you what’s important and what you’ve missed. It’s been like free market research and I’m so glad of it. Lastly, I am not in the business of motivational quotes or cheery platitudes. I still struggle from time to time – I don’t live amongst glitter and rainbows.

      So this might be a touch more cynical than some journals – but if that’s your thing, then welcome to your running and mental health journal.

      One last note – since I’ve tried to tie together advice on running and discussion of mental health, I’ve decided that this journal will alternate between the two. Obviously the sections will merge in lots of places, but I think it’s helpful to concentrate solely on mental health in some places – after all, what’s more important? And equally, when we’re talking about running shoes or how to prevent injury, I’d like you to be focusing on that without getting bogged down in symptoms about anxiety. But you can’t understand why running helps boost mood unless we also look at the times when your mental health is suffering. Also, feel free to read just the running parts or just the mental stuff if that’s what you want to do. My mum read only the peace bits of War and Peace. She is excellent.

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