To Have And To Hold. Myrna Mackenzie
left once before—the second time I told her that was it, no more. She had to make a choice. And she chose freedom.” He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees.
Callie stood and walked across the patio. She looked at the pool and the immaculate garden and the timber cubby house she knew he would have built himself. When she’d gathered the courage to say what she come to say, she turned. He was still seated.
“I’m so sorry, Noah.” Callie inhaled heavily. “About what I said the other day. I know I … I hurt you.”
He didn’t move.
Callie took a deep breath. “The way it came out, the way it sounded. That’s not what I wanted to say. And certainly not what I meant.”
He stood up and walked toward her. “So what did you want to say?”
She placed her hand on his arm and immediately felt the heat of their touch. “That your kids are amazing.” She swallowed hard and kept her hand on him. “What I’m feeling, it’s not about them. It’s about me.”
Noah covered her hand with his. “What are you feeling, Callie?”
Callie looked at him and her eyes glistened with moisture. She inhaled deeply, taking as much into her lungs as she could. “The reason I feel as I do … the reason I push people away …” She paused, felt the sting of tears. “The reason I push you away … it’s because I lost someone.”
Noah’s grip on her hand tightened. “Your fiancé?”
She met his gaze levelly. And the tears she’d been fighting tipped down over her lashes. “No, not Craig.”
“Then who? What do you—”
“My son,” she whispered. “My baby.”
“You had a son?” The shock in his voice was obvious.
Callie shuddered. “His name was Ryan,” she said and felt the hurt right through to her bones. “He died when he was two days old.”
She watched Noah think, absorb. “How long ago?”
“Three years,” she said quietly and inhaled. “Ten months … one week … three days.”
He swallowed hard. “How? Was he sick?”
She shrugged and turned, wrapping her arms around herself. “I was in an accident.” She hesitated, took a long breath and then looked at him. “A car wreck.”
Noah clearly knew what that meant. “The same one that killed your fiancé?”
“Yes.”
She watched as the pieces of the puzzle came together in his head. “You lost them both?” He turned her back around and rubbed his thumb along her jawline. “Why didn’t you tell me this before now?”
She looked down, taking a breath. “Because I don’t talk about it. And we haven’t known one another very long and I didn’t … couldn’t … Well, being responsible for someone’s death, it isn’t exactly the kind of thing I want to talk about.”
Noah didn’t try to hide his shock. “How were you responsible?”
“The accident,” she replied. “It was my fault.”
“Were you driving the car?”
She shook her head. “No, Craig was driving.”
“Then how could—”
“I distracted him,” she admitted. “I made him lose concentration. And I shouldn’t have. I was angry because we argued.” She didn’t say anything for a moment. She looked up and around and then back to him. “Craig didn’t want the baby.”
“He didn’t?”
“No. He didn’t want anything other than to use me. I fell for him when I was seventeen,” she explained quietly. “I moved in with him, wanted to be with him. Craig trained me, taught me everything I know. He was a gifted rider. I thought he loved me. But I found out too late that he only cared about his career. Our career, as he called it.” Another breath. “We’d worked hard, trained hard, put in hours and used all our money. The Grand Prix Championships were at our fingertips—and after that, the big one, the Olympics, every rider’s dream. But I got pregnant and everything changed. I couldn’t ride, I wouldn’t risk riding. Craig was furious. I’d never seen him like that. We argued about it for three days. In the end, he told me I had to make a choice.”
She paused, took a long breath, gathered herself and blinked away the fresh tears in her eyes. “He wanted me to end it. The pregnancy.”
Noah’s mouth thinned. “What did you do?”
“Moved back in with my mom.”
“And then?”
“I decided to get on with my life. When I was about five months along, Craig came back. He said he wanted to try and work things out. He said he’d changed his mind about the baby, about me. And I believed him.”
She knew he heard the “but” in her voice. “What happened then?” he asked.
Callie shrugged. “For a few weeks it seemed like it would be okay. And as much as I felt betrayed by Craig, I knew my baby deserved a father. Craig even talked about setting a date for the wedding.” She paused, thinking, remembering. “On the day of the accident he came around early. We talked about me moving back in with him, about turning one of the guest rooms into a nursery. He asked me to go for a drive. I was happy to do it, happy thinking everything would work out. We got in the car and drove for a while. But he seemed edgy to me, like he had something on his mind. And then … and then he said it. He said it and I knew I could never trust him again.”
Noah held her tighter. “What did he say?”
“My horse,” she replied. “He wanted my horse, Indiana. That was what he wanted. That was all he wanted. Not me, not our baby. You see, Craig was a gifted rider with a good horse, where as I was a good rider with a gifted horse. He wanted to ride Indy in the Grand Prix qualifiers. He said if I loved him, if I wanted him to be a part of my life, and the baby’s life I had to do what he asked.”
“And the crash?” Noah asked quietly.
“He was furious with me, called me a few names. He tried to touch me and I pushed him off.” Her voice cracked, sounding hollow. “He lost control of the car. We ended up crashing into a guardrail and down an embankment.”
Noah winced. He felt pain and rage rip through him. Anger toward a man he’d never met. A dead man. A man who’d hurt this woman so much, who’d broken her to a point Noah feared she’d never be whole again.
“Was he killed instantly?” he managed to ask, though he didn’t know how. His heart thundered in his chest.
She nodded. “Yes.”
“And you?”
“I was rushed to the hospital,” she said. “I had a lot of internal injuries and the baby was in distress. I was pretty out of it. My mom was there and they told her there were no guarantees for either of us. So the doctors delivered him.” Tears came again, brimming over. “He fought for two days. He was so tiny. I was so sick and only got to spend a moment holding him.”
Noah swallowed, fighting the emotion in his throat. It was every parent’s worst nightmare. And she’d endured it alone. He wished he could turn back the clock and be there with her, hold her through every awful moment. He took a deep breath. “I can’t even imagine how you must feel.”
Callie looked at him. “Ashamed that I didn’t see through Craig’s lack of integrity.