Eyes Wide Open. Michelle Kelly
admired, had believed in him enough to keep him in his role as DI, papering over the cracks when Matt turned up less than useless.
‘You should get some sleep,’ Ricky said, eyeing Matt with a concern that suddenly irritated him, if only because it reminded him how much he had let things slide the last year, so that his nineteen-year-old stepson was now the one doing the nurturing. The awareness of the change in his relationships with the males in his life was a painful one. Dailey, the man who had always pushed Matt on, encouraged him to take risks and believed in Matt’s skills as a detective even when Matt himself had questioned them, now spoke to him as he often spoke to the desk officers – as though he were past it. As much as he tried to tell himself it was all in his head, there was no denying that he had been given a lighter workload and that, most crushingly, he was no longer the old man’s go-to guy. As for Ricky, the way the boy kept a watchful eye on him broke Matt’s heart. His role as a surrogate father figure in the boy’s life had been one he was proud of. As much as Ricky tried to make him believe that he stayed with him because of the affection between them and practical reasons relating to his own life, Matt had to wonder just how far Ricky was motivated by the belief that, left to his own devices, Matt would fuck up again.
‘I’m fine,’ he said, his tone sharp, then shook his head in apology. ‘Sorry. Like I said, it’s been a rough night.’
Ricky just nodded and sipped at his coffee, looking thoughtful. He was as tall as Matt now, just over six foot, though not yet as broad. Although he had largely grown out of his teenage waywardness, pain having shaped him into a mature, sensitive young man, there was a depth to him Matt knew he would never be able to fully mine. He kept part of himself intact, separate from those around him, a quiet containment that Matt sometimes envied. Lucy had had the same quality about her, and he wondered if it was an inherent thing they both possessed or an aftermath of their shared grief. Not that Matt hadn’t had his fair share of grief. He had always been stoic himself about his parents’ death, but the loss of Lucy had floored him, had broken him in ways he was only now beginning to repair. Without making a conscious decision to do so, his eyes flitted towards the medicine cabinet in the kitchen. He saw Ricky’s gaze follow his, the boy’s eyes widen in concern, and he sighed again and placed his cup on the table with a sharp thud.
‘I’m going to bed. You should go back, too. Haven’t you got a lecture in the morning?’
Ricky nodded and watched him go up the stairs without a word, and Matt felt guilty at his brusqueness. He could hardly blame the kid for worrying. After splashing his face and brushing his teeth he fell into bed fully clothed, irritation giving way to exhaustion. For once he didn’t see Lucy’s face as he fell asleep, but Kitty’s, her dead blue eyes wide open, accusing even in their waxy, unfeeling gaze.
*****
Huddling under the covers, closing her eyes against the morning sun filtering its way through her blinds, Jenna wished it were the weekend again, and not the start of a new week. Another week of lessons and lectures from her parents, of sneaking out to see her boyfriend, who was so hot and so different he made her head go light just looking at him. That part of the week was good, but not the sneaking around part, and the worrying about getting caught and then grounded until she was, like, old. She didn’t like the keeping secrets part, either, but then she had been keeping secrets from such a young age it really shouldn’t bother her any more. It wasn’t like anyone cared, anyway; her parents treated her like she was a nuisance at the best of times. Unlike Rafi, who always listened to her and made her feel special. She loved hanging around with him, loved knowing that the other girls were jealous that she had an older, hot boyfriend. It had been a few months now, and Jenna was pretty sure she was in love with him.
She had met him at a party, and he hadn’t been rowdy and trying to grope the girls like most of the lads; he had kept himself a little separate, and looked at her with those dark eyes of his. She was the only girl he had spoken to, all night. That had meant something, she knew it, and she had only been half surprised when he had been waiting for her outside the school gates the following Monday. He was different to the boys in her class; more mature, more sure of himself. Jenna hoped he wouldn’t tire of her; even though he reassured her all the time that she was beautiful, and that he only had eyes for her, the thought of him leaving her, or getting with another girl, terrified her. He was her safe place. He had been a little distant this past week, however, and that had worried her, although she hadn’t said anything for fear of saying the wrong thing.
Jenna didn’t know what had caused her to open her mouth on Saturday night to the other girl. The prostitute. She shouldn’t have said anything, but then, who was the girl ever likely to tell? Perhaps that was why she had confided in her; that and the fact she had felt she would be believed. You didn’t end up walking the streets at that age unless you had been through some pretty bad stuff yourself. The girl had told Jenna a few secrets of her own, so no, she wasn’t going to tell anyone.
Even so, the knowledge that someone knew the things she should never have told anyone nagged at her all day, making her anxious and unable to concentrate.
Until she came home to the evening news and understood that the girl wasn’t going to be telling anyone anything, ever.
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