Summer Beach Reads. Natalie Anderson
She paled; her blue eyes weren’t sparkling, but glistening. ‘It never occurred to me you might not be okay.’
‘No, you just thought the worst of me. That I’d let you down.’ He breathed in hard and honesty—responsibility—slammed into him. Because he knew exactly why she’d not followed up with her call—she’d been afraid, yet certain, of his rejection. ‘And you were right, that’s exactly what I’d decided to do.’
Yeah, his chest burned. He saw the horror in her eyes at the sight of his bruises. But he couldn’t win this that dirty after all. He didn’t want to win her through sympathy. Her guilt was a hollow, bitter victory. He didn’t want pity. He didn’t want her to feel bad or obligated. He just wanted her to love him the way he loved her. But she deserved the truth. Even if it meant he might lose her.
‘The accident doesn’t matter,’ he said huskily. ‘I wasn’t going to be there anyway.’
‘What do you mean you weren’t going to be there?’ She’d backed up to the wall, as far from him as she could get.
‘I’d decided to end it. I was texting you to say I wasn’t coming when the accident happened.’
‘You were texting while driving?’ she screeched, anger flooding back.
‘Actually I was in the back of a taxi.’
She stared at him and as the seconds ticked he didn’t just see the pain he’d inflicted on her, he felt it himself. Her hurt was his—because his heart was hers.
‘Why are you telling me this?’ Ellie had suffered too many shocks already. She didn’t get what the guy wanted or why he was here.
‘I want to be honest with you. I want to clear this up.’
Clear it up? As in over? Hadn’t she just tried to do that? What was with the torment?
‘I don’t want to be friends with you, Ellie. I want a relationship with you.’ He looked less than impressed about it. ‘I can’t get you out of my head,’ he growled.
She had no sympathy—nothing left to give in the face of this. ‘Maybe you need to try harder.’
‘Ellie.’ He shook his head, his voice low. ‘I can’t stay away from you.’
‘You can’t stay away from sex. That’s all it is.’
‘No, that is not all it is,’ he shouted back. ‘We hadn’t had sex in weeks.’ He drew breath—the damn cracked rib kept poking him, forcing the honesty. ‘Yes, that was a big part of it at first. But then it was you. All of you.’
She wasn’t buying it. ‘You only did the calls because you were frustrated that I hadn’t put out. I was the challenge—and once you’d conquered me up on that mountain you weren’t interested any more.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘Well, what is it you want from me, then?’ Oh, she hurt. So hurt. But she couldn’t be second best. Not when he’d become her everything.
‘Ellie.’ His voice broke. He leaned back against her door, his body completely rigid, every muscle straining as he pressed his fists to his chest. ‘I can’t sleep. I’m barely eating. I can’t concentrate on anything at work. I haven’t for weeks. I don’t want to be this obsessed. I’ve always been totally one track, but, now, you’re the track. And I can’t fight it any more. I don’t care about anything else. All I care about is being with you.’ He scrubbed his hands through his hair. ‘But I’ve never had a relationship actually work for more than five minutes. And I can’t...’ He sighed. ‘You deserve more than I can give you.’
Ellie stared at him—stunned and uncomprehending. ‘Why do you think you can’t give me what I need?’
‘I’ve never been able to before,’ he said harshly. ‘And I’ve never wanted to. I hate feeling so out of control.’ He straightened away from the door, and awkwardly walked to her lounge. ‘My parents’ relationship limited them. Neither achieved their ambitions. Dad had his dreams but they hardly got off the ground. They were too tied up with each other.’
‘Is that so bad?’
‘I know they were happy,’ he admitted. ‘And maybe because of the way the world viewed them they were an even tighter unit. But it was frustrating.’ He hobbled about her lounge, not looking at her. ‘We came out here when I was six. I had this French accent, an ancient dad and I loved him. But he bought this wreck of a property and said he was going to turn it into a chateau.’ Ruben laughed painfully. ‘He drew up these awesome plans. But that was about as far as he got.’
‘So you did it for him.’ Ellie knew this but she thought she had it all now. ‘But you really think their relationship held your father back from achieving anything else?’
He winced. ‘Not just him, they were both hopeless that way. No one can have it all. And if you want to do something you’re better to be free to get on with it.’
‘But maybe neither of them wanted to achieve those dreams that much. Maybe your father was just enjoying being a husband and a dad—you said yourself he never thought it was going to happen. Maybe he wanted to spend that time imagining his dreams with you—rather than not spending that time with you as he made them a reality. I’m sure he’d be thrilled with what you’ve done, but I don’t know that he’d be so pleased with how you’ve isolated yourself to do it.’
He was silent a long moment. She could see the shifting emotions in him—saw the hopelessness lift.
But then he turned away. ‘My ex resented the time I put into work. It came to a head—I had to pick her or the deal for the Taupo lodge. I chose the deal and she walked. At the time I was glad. But this time?’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t want to hurt you like that. I don’t want to lose you but how can I be fair to you?’
‘But I’m not her. I want to support you, not hold you back.’ She’d love to help him however she could. ‘And I want you to support me. Why can’t we achieve our dreams together?’
He jerked his head, turning back to face her. ‘You’re the first woman I’ve ever put before work, the only woman who’s made work seem utterly meaningless.’ He walked towards her. ‘You’re the only woman I’ve chased. And I’m going to keep chasing as long as I have to.’
It wasn’t going to have to be for much longer. Her eyes filled with tears.
‘Ellie, you’re everything and more to me.’ He stopped in front of her. ‘You don’t need to be anything other than yourself. You’re the perfect woman for me.’ He stepped close enough to touch—so he only had to whisper. ‘Just you. Just as you are. I need you in my life. I never knew how much I needed you until I tried to live without you.’
‘This is you chasing, huh?’ She swiped the streaming rivers from her cheeks.
‘This is me being honest,’ he said softly. ‘I didn’t want to hurt you but I did and I’m so sorry. But I didn’t want to hurt myself either and I thought walking away would save me from that. I was so wrong.’ His voice softened. ‘Because the thing is, I am like my parents. I love as deeply. You. I hate being apart from you. I want to be with you all of the time. I don’t want to go away. I don’t want you going away from me.’ He shook his head. ‘It’s crazy. I think about you all the time. I miss you like you wouldn’t believe. It hurts. It’s a physical ache. I never wanted to hurt like this.’
Oh, she knew that ache. The constant, incurable gnawing deep inside. The coldness in bed—despite summer heat or electric blankets. The sadness at the stretch of bed beside her. The inadequacy of a quick phone call. The inability to catch his eye, to smile at a joke she knew he’d get. She missed that magic language, that connection that she’d never had with another person. Only him. It was real heartache, that heaviness of his absence. He wasn’t hers and she’d thought he couldn’t ever be. Oh, that had hurt.