The Wedding Party And Holiday Escapes Ultimate Collection. Кейт Хьюит
At least, she hoped it was only a mask, that underneath the stern coldness beat the heart of the warm, generous man she’d come to know—and love. Yet even now fear and doubt skittered along her spine, crept into her mind. She forced them back.
‘You told me once you wanted there to be no lies or pretence between us.’ He jerked his head in a tiny nod, and Alyse made herself continue despite the fear coursing through her veins. ‘And I don’t want there to be either. So if you’re going to dissolve our marriage, ask for a divorce, then you need to give me the real reason.’
‘I did give you the real reason.’
‘I don’t think you did.’
His mouth tightened. ‘That’s not my problem, Alyse.’
‘No, it’s mine. Because I haven’t been honest either. I’ve been so afraid—afraid of losing you by pushing too hard or asking for too much. And afraid of my own feelings, if I could trust them.’ He didn’t respond, but she saw a wary alertness in his eyes and knew he was listening. Emboldened, she took a step forward. ‘I really did believe I loved you all those years ago, you know,’ she said softly. ‘And then when I started to get to know you properly, I began to doubt the feelings I’d had...just as you doubted them.’ She hesitated, wanting to be honest yet needing to search for the words. ‘It was a terrible feeling, to realise I’d fooled myself for so long. It made me wonder if I could ever trust my feelings—my own heart—again. Or if anyone else could. Like you.’
Still nothing from him, but Alyse kept on. She sat next to him on the bed, her thigh nudging his, needing his touch, his warmth. ‘I’ve come to understand just a little how you must have endured the same thing. Your parents telling you they love you, but only for the cameras. Not really meaning it.’ She waited, but he didn’t answer. ‘And your brother too—leaving you like that. You were close, weren’t you?’
His throat worked and he glanced away. ‘Yes,’ he said, and his voice choked.
She laid a hand on his arm. ‘For your whole life people have been letting you down, Leo, pretending they love you and then doing something else. Is it any wonder you’re afraid of relationships, of love, now? I’m afraid and I didn’t have that experience.’
‘I’m not afraid—’
‘Don’t lie to me. Love is scary, even when you don’t have the kind of emotional baggage you do. Or I do, for that matter. Pretending we’re in love for six years didn’t do either of us any favours.’
‘That’s why I want this marriage to end. No more pretending. No more lies.’
Alyse drew a deep breath. ‘So you’d be telling the truth if you said you didn’t feel anything for me?’ No answer, but at least a vigorous yes hadn’t sprung to his lips. ‘Because I wouldn’t. I do feel something for you, Leo. Something I didn’t trust at first because of everything that had gone before. And maybe I’m still not exactly sure what love is, what it feels like, but with every moment I’m with you I believe I feel it for you.’ She took another breath and let it out slowly. ‘I love you, Leo.’
He let out a short, hard laugh. ‘I’ve heard that before.’
‘I know, which is why I’ve been so afraid of saying it again. What I felt for you before was a schoolgirl crush, a childish fancy. I was overwhelmed by how everything had moved so quickly, by the attention of the press, and the way my parents were thrilled—the whole world was thrilled. I wanted the fairy tale, and so I bought into it.’ She reached for his hand, laced her fingers through his. He didn’t, at least, pull away or even resist. ‘But this last week has shown me that love isn’t a fairy tale, Leo. It’s hard and painful and messy. It hurts. And yet it’s also wonderful, because when I’m with you there’s nowhere else I’d rather be.’ Still no words from him, but she felt him squeeze her fingers slightly, and hope began to unfurl inside her. ‘I love seeing you smile, hearing you laugh, feeling you inside me. And I love the fact that I’ve come to know you, that I can tell when you’re amused or annoyed or angry or hurt. That I recognise the way you try to veil your expression and hide your pain. That I know when you’re reading something that bores you in the newspaper but you keep reading anyway because you just have to finish the page.’
Leo’s lips twitched in an almost-smile and Alyse laughed softly, no more than a breath of sound. ‘Loving someone is knowing them,’ she continued quietly. ‘I didn’t understand that at first. I thought it was a lightning bolt, or an undeniable rush of feeling. But it’s more than that. It’s understanding a person inside and out. I can’t pretend I understand you completely, but I think I’m beginning to. I’m starting to see how a childhood of pretending—a lifetime of pretending—has made you not just doubt other people’s feelings, but your own. You told me you loved me when we were on television, and I was afraid to believe you. I think you were afraid to believe yourself. That’s why you tried to deny it afterwards. It’s why I didn’t press the matter. All out of fear.’
He gazed down at their intertwined hands, his thumb sliding over her fingers. ‘You did say love was scary,’ he said in a low voice.
‘Absolutely. It’s terrifying. But I also think it’s worth it—it’s worth the risk of being hurt. Loneliness might be easier, but it’s bleak too.’ She squeezed his fingers, imbuing him with her strength. Her hope. ‘I don’t expect you to love me yet. I know we both need time to learn to trust each other. To know each other. But I’m asking you, Leo—I’m begging you, give us that chance. Don’t turn away from our marriage just because you’re not going to be king. I never cared about you being king. I was scared of being queen. I just want to be with you.’
‘That’s not why I turned away.’
She stilled, her fingers frozen in his. ‘No?’
He took a deep breath. ‘I turned away because I was afraid. Because I’ve learned it’s easier to be the first one to pull away, before you’re pushed.’
‘And you thought I’d...I’d push you? Because you weren’t king?’
‘I don’t know what I thought, to be honest.’ He glanced up, his gaze hooded, his eyes dark with pain. ‘I was acting on instinct, shutting down, closing up. It’s what I’ve always done, and I knew I had to do it with you. You’ve had more power to hurt me than anyone else, Alyse. Do you know how utterly terrifying that is?’
She managed a shaky smile, felt the sting of tears behind her lids. ‘Yes,’ she answered. ‘As a matter of fact, I do.’
‘You’re wrong, you know. I don’t need time to learn to love you, or know you. I already do. I didn’t mean to say that on television—the words just spilled out. It was as if I couldn’t keep from saying them. I had to be honest about how I felt, not just to you, but to the whole world.’
Alyse felt her mouth curve in an understanding smile. ‘And then as soon as you were, you wanted to take it all back.’
‘Self-protection, just a little too late.’
‘This is hard, no question.’
‘As soon as you left the room I wanted to run after you. Take it all back. Beg—just like I used to beg my mother to spend time with me, to love me, or my brother not to leave.’ He was quiet for a moment, his gaze still on their twined hands. ‘He was a hero to me, you know. I adored him. He always looked out for me at school, he felt like the only person who really knew me—’
‘And he left,’ Alyse finished softly. ‘He left you.’
‘I can’t really blame him. The atmosphere in the palace has always been toxic, and he had it worse than I did, buried under my parents’ expectations.’ Leo sighed and shook his head. ‘But yes, he left, and it hurt. A lot. I told myself I’d never be like that again, needing someone so much, begging them to stay.’
Her heart ached and she blinked back tears. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘I don’t know what kind of relationship