What We Left Behind. Robin Talley
she kept, like, staring at me. In a cute way, not a creepy way.
It didn’t matter, though. She already had a girlfriend. The little ninny in the poufy blue dress. A pox on the poufy ninny, I wanted to say.
Still, I felt like touching Toni. Nothing dramatic, I mean. Maybe I could just accidentally brush up against her shoulder. Or maybe a piece of her spiky red hair would fall down into her eyes and I could brush it away. Yeah, that would be perfect.
I waited, but none of her hair fell down. It was packed pretty solid with gel. Plus, most of her hair was tucked under her top hat.
Maybe the music would switch to a slow song, and I could put my hand on her waist. Or loop my arms around her neck. Yeah, that. The neck thing.
Except you weren’t supposed to do that to someone else’s girlfriend. Darn it all to heck.
Maybe Toni and I could be friends. I needed friends at my new school.
Except I didn’t want to be friends with her. Not just friends anyway.
She leaned into my ear again. I got the same thrill I’d gotten when she’d done that before. “Are you new here?” she asked.
I nodded. “I’m from New York.”
She opened her eyes wide, like she was impressed, and smiled. I smiled back.
She moved in again. “So. Would you rather run for president or go to Mars?”
I laughed. It was such a random question. “Mars.”
“How come?”
“Because then at least you get to do something no one’s ever done before. Go exploring. Learn new things. Being president just means you have to try to fix a bunch of stuff no one’s been able to figure out how to fix yet.”
I had to lean close to her for a long time to say all that. By the time I pulled back, I was blushing as hard as she was.
“What about you?” I asked.
“President,” she said. “Just because no one’s figured out how to fix it yet doesn’t mean no one ever can.”
I nodded. If anyone could fix the world’s problems, it just might be this girl with the red hair and the top hat.
I smiled at her.
The music switched to a slow song.
TONI
I put my hand on her waist.
So she was probably straight. Whatever. Screw it. She could take my hand off her waist if she wanted to.
She didn’t take my hand off her waist.
GRETCHEN
My heart was pounding so fast.
I had exchanged, like, three sentences with this girl, but somehow, I felt like I’d known her forever.
My hands were trembling, but I linked them behind her neck and stepped in closer. I was a couple of inches taller, so I looked down into her eyes and smiled again.
God, she had the most amazing eyes.
TONI
I wanted to ask Gretchen something else. I wanted to know everything there was to know about her.
It was just—
There was something about the way she was looking at me.
I love to talk. I talk constantly. When you’re talking, people always know you’re there.
But I didn’t have any words just then.
Not with her looking at me like that. Like she could see all the way inside me.
GRETCHEN
I leaned in to her ear again, even though we were close enough now that I didn’t need to. I swallowed my nervousness and asked, “Is that your girlfriend in the blue dress?”
Toni didn’t pull back. She didn’t answer, either. For an anxious second I thought she hadn’t heard me.
Finally she shook her head. “Just a friend.”
TONI
“Oh,” Gretchen said.
She was blushing.
God, she was adorable.
I nodded toward the blond guy who was now leading Renee around the room in a dramatic-looking tango. Everyone was watching them. Which meant they weren’t looking at Gretchen and me anymore. “What about you? What’s up with that guy?”
“Oh, right.” Gretchen glanced over, then turned back to me with a cute little quirk in her eyebrow. “I don’t know. My dad’s friend knows him or something? He’s all right. Not for me, though.”
She scrunched up her face adorably. God, everything this girl did was adorable.
“Not for you ’cause...why?” I asked.
She blushed again.
I seriously could not deal with how this felt.
Oh, my lord.
I was really, truly, genuinely about to melt into a puddle of utter uselessness.
Oh, my lord.
GRETCHEN
I was still nervous.
So nervous I didn’t know how I was even going to stay standing, let alone move.
So nervous I could hear my heart beating in my ears. Louder than the music. Louder than the people talking and clapping.
So nervous it was like I was floating outside my body, watching this whole thing play out from the ceiling of the hotel ballroom, somewhere near that carefully crafted balloon arch.
I was so nervous I could barely breathe.
But I kissed her anyway.
TONI
I melted.
AUGUST
SUMMER BEFORE FRESHMAN YEAR OF COLLEGE
1 YEAR, 10 MONTHS TOGETHER
TONI
I still melt every time I kiss Gretchen, but it’s different now.
That first night, back at a high school dance, we barely even knew each other’s name. Now we’re about to leave for college, and we know each other inside and out.
Before I met Gretchen, I wondered if I’d ever even have a real girlfriend. It seemed impossible, once. I’d gone out with other girls, sure, but nothing had ever lasted. I didn’t think I’d actually find anyone willing to put up with me for more than a month or two.
But I still daydreamed. I’d sit there in health class, my eyes soft-focused on the whiteboard while I pictured some pretty girl and me skipping hand in hand through daisy-strewn meadows, gazing into each other’s eyes, laughing at our little inside jokes and never, ever getting tired of each other. I used to think no real relationship could be as exciting as my health-class fantasy.
What blew me away was that the reality turned out to be so much more. I never imagined that being one half of a whole could make you feel more whole all by yourself. I never dreamed I’d want to tell someone all my secrets and know their secrets, too.
But now everything’s changing. I don’t know what our lives are going to be like after tomorrow, but at least I know that no matter what happens next, we’ll always have each other.
Knowing I can count on that is the only thing holding me in one piece while I count down our last few hours together. I’m trying to act like it’s not a big deal, but as the minutes tick by it’s getting harder and harder