To The Castle. Joan Wolf
the mass was over, they left Sybilla’s coffin in the church, where she would be buried alongside her brother, and went out into the windy day.
Nell, her parents and her aunt had stayed overnight in the bishop’s residence, but now that the funeral was over, Nell knew her father was anxious to return to his castle of Bardney, some twenty miles outside of Lincoln. He gave orders to the knights who had accompanied him to bring the horses around and, as Nell stood waiting in front of the cathedral, her eyes took in the unfamiliar part of Lincoln that lay within the outer walls of the castle.
Nell had spent most of her life within the confines of a convent, and this glimpse of the busy outside world was fascinating. People were going about their business, coming and going from the castle, which towered high above them on a rock, or buying and selling from the stalls that lined one of the walls of the Bail. Many cast curious glances at the funeral party—everyone in the town was aware of who was being buried that day.
What different lives people live, Nell thought wonderingly. How different my own life would have been if my parents hadn’t given me to the convent when I was a child.
An old woman passed in front of the cathedral, turning her head to look straight at Nell. Nell could feel the sympathy in her gaze cross the distance between them. She nodded slightly, in acknowledgment, and the old lady nodded back and continued on her way.
The sympathy was kind, but Nell knew it should be directed at her mother and father, not at her. She had hardly known her sister. They had been separated when they were very young and Sybilla had rarely come to visit her in the convent.
“Nell, stop standing there staring and get on your horse.” Her father sounded impatient. She went over to the small mare one of the knights was holding and let him help her into the saddle. She was still a little sore from the ride in yesterday; life in the convent had not included horseback riding.
Her father mounted his big chestnut stallion and the knights who were leading their party started off. Her father’s stallion moved off behind them, followed by her mother, her mother’s sister, Aunt Alida, and Nell. Behind them came another group of knights, to protect their rear.
Nell’s veil blew in the wind and she reached up to anchor it more securely on her head. She would not profess her holy vows until she was eighteen, but the novices at the convent wore wimples and veils like the nuns. Her little mare was very quiet, paying no attention to the people who were staring at them—unlike her father’s stallion, who was dancing and throwing his head around. Her father sat quietly and spoke to him. Nell watched with awe as he controlled the large horse with his voice and gentle hands.
The earl’s cavalcade went down the old Roman road, Ermine Street, through the town with its shops, past the inns that accommodated visitors to Lincoln, past the church of St. Peter ad Placita, across the River Witham and out of the town. Bardney was southeast of Lincoln while Nell’s convent was to the northeast. She had been fetched two days ago by five of her father’s knights and she supposed she would be spending the night at Bardney, then returning to the convent in the morning.
The road to Bardney led through several small villages huddled around their churches, and some fine pastureland where cows grazed peacefully. The castle could be seen from quite a distance, its turreted stone walls rearing up out of the ground with arrogant authority.
Nell had spent the first years of her life at Bardney, but her memories of life in the castle were dim. When she was eight her brother, the much-longed-for male, had been born, and Nell had been sent to the Convent of St. Cecelia in fulfillment of a promise her parents had made to God when they had prayed for a son. The life she knew was life in the convent; she had felt like a stranger when she had dismounted in the inner bailey of the castle two days ago.
She felt like a stranger still as she rode across the bridge, over the moat and under the great iron portcullis that sealed the gate at night and in times of trouble. The cavalcade of horses crossed the huge expanse of the outer bailey, passed through a second gate into the inner bailey, and came to a halt in front of the great stone castle. The knights, who wore mail shirts called hauberks and helmets with the nose guards up, dismounted, and one of them came to lift Nell down from her saddle. Her knees buckled a little when she touched the ground and he reached out quickly to steady her.
“I’m all right,” Nell told the knight, who was young and brown-eyed. “I just have never had the opportunity to do much riding.”
“You did very well, my lady,” he said.
“Come along, Nell,” her mother called. “Don’t stand there dawdling.”
Nell went immediately to her mother and aunt and followed them into the Great Hall, which took up more than half the space of the castle’s ground floor. Nell had been awed by the size of the Great Hall when she had come home two days ago, and she looked around now, still surprised by its immensity and by the colorful painted wall hangings that adorned the high stone walls. At the convent, rooms were small and the stone walls were bare except for a crucifix.
Her father, Lord Raoul, and her mother, Lady Alice, moved toward the chairs that were pulled up in front of the fireplace and Nell and her aunt followed.
“I think we could all use some wine,” Alida said.
“Yes,” the earl said. “Send for some.”
Two young pages sat on a bench along the wall and Lady Alice said peremptorily, “Robin, go and fetch some wine for us.”
The boy jumped up and ran in the direction of the buttery, where the drinks were kept.
Nell looked at her father, who sat in the largest chair with his legs stretched out in front of him. He did not speak and the others respected his silence. Nell looked down at her lap and folded her hands.
The page came back bearing four goblets of wine on a silver tray. He served his lord first, then Lady Alice, Lady Alida and Nell. The earl and countess both took a long drink, but Nell sipped her wine tentatively. The novices in the convent drank ale with their meals; wine was something new to Nell.
“Well,” the earl said, when he had put his drink on the small table next to him. “So that’s that.”
“I can’t believe she’s gone,” Lady Alice said sadly. “I can’t believe that God could be so cruel.”
“God does what He damn well pleases,” the earl said.
Nell looked at her father with horrified eyes.
He caught her look and said harshly, “Despite what you may have heard in your convent, it’s true. There is no making sense of the tragedies in life. No religion can explain to me why I had to lose both my son and my daughter. God does what He damn well pleases and He doesn’t answer any questions.”
Nell tried to think what she could say to answer the earl’s shocking words. “It’s true that we can’t know the mind of God, but we must trust that there is a plan that we can’t understand,” she said, echoing words she had heard more than once in the convent.
“I don’t think I would want to understand a plan that would take my son and my daughter from me,” her father said, turning his grim look on her.
Nell bit her lip. He’s grieving, she thought excusingly. He doesn’t mean it.
Once more silence descended on the small group by the fire. Tears ran from her mother’s eyes and her father looked angry.
I wish I could comfort them, Nell thought with distress. I feel so useless here.
Her mother wiped her eyes and looked at her. “I don’t know what we’re going to do about clothes for you. You’re quite a bit smaller than Sybilla.”
“We can alter some of Sybilla’s gowns,” Alida said. “They will do until we can have her own clothes made.”
Clothes? Nell thought. She looked from her aunt to her mother in puzzlement. “Why should I need clothes, Mama? I have my habit.”
Her mother