Natboff! One Million Years of Stupidity. Andy Stanton
GOT CAV?’ say Chunka.
‘YEAH,’ say Natboff.
‘NATBOFF GOT WIFE?’ say Chunka.
‘YEAH,’ say Natboff.
‘WAT WIFE NAME?’ say Chunka.
‘WIFE NAME SALLY,’ say Natboff.
‘WEL, THIS CHUNKA LUKKY DAY,’ say Chunka. ‘NOW CHUNKA COM TO NATBOFF CAV AN STEEL NATBOFF WIFE.’
O NO, thinnk Natboff. NATBOFF WISH NATBOFF NO TELL CHUNKA ABOU CAV AN WIFE .
‘HEY CHUNKA,’ say Natboff, crafty stile. ‘YOU KNO JUS NOW WEN NATBOFF TELL YOU ABOU CAV AN WIFE CAL SALLY? NATBOFF WAS ONLEH MAKK JOKKE! THER NO CAV! THER NO SALLY! JUS FUNNEH JOKKE!’
‘TO LATE,’ say Chunka. ‘CHUNKA CAN TEL THEY REAL. CHUNKA COMIG TO CAV TO STEEL WIFE.’
O NO, thinnk Natboff. CHUNKA NOT JUS FAT AN HARY. CHUNKA A CLEVA FELLO INTO THE BARGEN .
Chunka go to Natboff cav an grab up Sally.
‘HEY SALLY,’ say Chunka. ‘ME CHUNKA. ME MUCH BETER AN FATTER AN HARIER THAN NATBOFF. YOU COM WIV CHUNKA NOW.’
‘IT TRUE,’ say Sally. ‘CHUNKA SO BIG AN FAT AN HARY! SALLY NO LOV NATBOFF NO MORE! SALLY LOV CHUNKA NOW! SALLY AN CHUNKA IN LOV!’
‘HA HA,’ say Chunka. ‘CHUNKA DONE IT AGEN!’
Chunka throw roks at Natboff an Sally spit in Natboff har. Then Chunka an Sally run way way off into foress to do baby cavmas.
Natboff ver sad. Natboff do cry.
Wolf com along an lick up Natboff tears fro eyes.
‘WOLF BE NATBOFF FREND?’ say Natboff.
Wolf nod.
‘WOLF BE NATBOFF WIFE?’ say Natboff hopfuly.
Wolf laff an shak hed.
‘BUT WOLF BE NICE TO NATBOFF AT LEEST?’ say Natboff.
Wolf nod.
‘MEBBE THINNGS NOT SO BAD AFTEH AL,’ say Natboff.
But at night Wolf eat Natboff !
Now Natboff in Wolf tummy.
‘THIS WORST DAY OF NATBOFF LIFF,’ say Natboff. ‘WAT NATBOFF DO NOW?’
Natboff com up wiv plan.
NATBOFF WAIT TIL WOLF NEED TOILET IN BUSH, thinnk Natboff. THEN NATBOFF COM OUT OF WOLF AGEN! BETER THAN EVEH!
So Natboff wait al day wile Wolf run round eatig stuf. Lateh on Wolf get belly rumbles.
‘O NO,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF NEED FIND BUSH BEFOR TO LATE.’
HERE ME CHANSE, thinnk Natboff.
Wolf go to bush an push it al out. Out com Natboff, beter than eveh! (But a bit smel.)
‘NEVEH MIN,’ say Natboff to himsel. ‘STIL GUD TO BE OUT OF WOLF AGEN.’
Natboff go up to Wolf.
‘NAUGTY WOLF!’ shou Natboff. ‘YOU SAY YOU NATBOFF FREND! BUT YOU EAT NATBOFF!’
‘SORY,’ say Wolf. ‘ME FORGET.’
‘OK,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT YOU NATBOFF FREND NOW?’
‘DEFINETT,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF AN NATBOFF FREND. WOLF AN NATBOFF DO DISCO TO SELEBRAT.’
So Wolf an Natboff do disco in cav. It fun, but it stil not solv probbem.
‘IT FUN, BUT IT STIL NOT SOLV PROBBEM,’ say Natboff. ‘SALLY STIL WIV CHUNKA. WAT NATBOFF DO NOW?’
‘GO ON INTERNET,’ say Wolf, ‘MEBBE THAT HELP.’
So Natboff go on internet but it cavma days, long long go, an bak then internet jus big rok wiv ‘Google’ carve on. No help at al!
‘INTERNET RUBISH!’ say Natboff. ‘NATBOFF HATE INTERNET!’
Wolf eat internet.
‘NOW WAT NATBOFF DO?’ say Natboff.
‘WOLF GET HELP FROM FRENDS,’ say Wolf.
‘WOLF GOT MITY FRENDS?’ say Natboff.
‘MITIEST EVEH!’ say Wolf prowdly. ‘WOLF GO AN GET MITY FRENDS. THEN CHUNKA GOT NO CHANSE!’
Wolf run out of cav.
Natboff wait.
Natboff wait a bit mor.
Natboff wait ages.
Natboff wait Stone Ages.
Natboff discoveh fire.
Natboff happy!
Natboff set har on fire!
Natboff not so happy.
‘WOLF TAKIG FOREVEH,’ say Natboff.
Natboff starvig.
Natboff eat own burnned har.
‘BURNNED HAR DISGUSSIG,’ say Natboff.
Natboff spit har out everwher.
Natboff try eatig cav.
No gud.
Evencherlee Wolf come bak wiv frends.
‘LOOK AT MITY FRENDS,’ Wolf say prowdly.
‘MITY ANT!
‘MITY SPIDA!
‘MITY LEEF!’
‘FRENDS NOT LOOK SO MITY,’ say Natboff. ‘NATBOFF THURT WOLF’S FRENDS BE MITY BEAR! MITY MAMMOF! MITY SABE-TOOTH TIGGER!’
‘SORY,’ say Wolf. ‘WOLF NOT KNO THOSE GUYS. WOLF ONLY KNO MITY ANT! MITY SPIDA! MITY LEEF!’
‘ME CAN DO THIRTY PRES-UPS,’ say Mity Leef.
‘OK,’ say Natboff. ‘IT HAV TO DO. WAT THE PLAN?’
‘CHUNKA LIV IN FORESS WIV SALLY NOW,’ say Mity Spida. ‘SO WE GOT TO GO TO FORESS. THEN WE SNEEK UP ON CHUNKA.’
‘IS GUD START TO PLAN,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT WAT NEX?’
‘MITY ANT JUMP ON CHUNKA LEGG AN LICK HIM,’ say Mity Spida. ‘THEN MITY SPIDA (THAT ME) TIKLE CHUNKA FOOT. THEN WOLF BITE OFF CHUNKA FACE. NATBOFF GET SALLY BACK, EESY PEESY LEMMO SQUEE!’
‘MITY SPIDA GUD AT PLAN!’ say Natboff. ‘MABBE THIS WURK AFTEH AL. BUT WAT ABOU MITY LEEF? EVERWUN ELSE DO STUF IN PLAN BUT MITY LEEF DO NUTHIN.’
‘ME DO PRES-UPS TO DISTRAC CHUNKA,’ say Mity Leef, flexig mussels.
‘IT GUDDEST PLAN OF AL TIMM!’ say Wolf. ‘LET DO DISCO TO SELEBRAT.’
Natboff, Wolf, Mity Ant, Mity Spida an Mity Leef do disco.
Gess hoo besst at disco dancc? Mity Ant.
Mity Ant win disco prize!
‘DISCO FUN,’ say Natboff. ‘BUT NOW IT TIMM FOR PUT PLAN INTO ACSHUN. WICH WAY FORESS?’
Mity Leef step forwar.
‘ME WAS BORN IN FORESS,’ say Mity Leef, ‘SO ME KNO EXAC WHER IT IS. FOLLO LEEF!’
‘NATBOFF HAD DOUTS ABOU MITY LEEF TO BEGIN WIV,’ say Natboff, ‘BUT NOW HE GROWIG ON ME.’
‘HA HA,’ say Mity Ant. ‘NATBOFF MAKK BIG FUNNEH!’
‘DISCO TO SELEBRAT?’ say Wolf hopfully.
‘MABBE LATEH,’ say Natboff.