Future Ratboy and the Quest for the Missing Thingy. Jim Smith
bag filled with eight trillion other leaf socks.
Jamjar pointed at the hover-bin bag and pushed her glasses up her nose. ‘One of the keel things about living here in the future,’ she said to me, ‘is that nobody has to buy socks any more!’
‘Amazekeels,’ I said, even though I didn’t have to buy socks when I lived in the olden days either, because my mum and dad always bought them for me.
‘Heading into town are you, gang?’ said Dr Smell, waggling his nostrils. ‘I can smell excitement in the air!’
That’s how good Dr Smell’s sense of smell is – he can even smell excitement.
Wheelie flapped his lid open and shut, and Dr Smell stuck two of his fingers up his nostrils to stop the bin stink floating up them.
‘OOH YES,’ bleeped Wheelie in his posh new computery voice, and I thought how weird it was that my normal old bin from home could now speak. ‘TODAY IS A MOST IMPORTANT DAY!’
‘What’s happening?’ asked Dr Smell, and Wheelie rolled the bits of his lid where his eyes would’ve been if he’d had eyes, because he couldn’t believe Dr Smell didn’t know.
burped Wheelie.
Dr Smell knocked on his head like it was a front door.
‘Blistering bogazoids, I’d completely forgotten!’ he said. ‘Ratboy, isn’t YOUR birthday coming up soon too?’
‘Next week,’ I said.
squawked Not Bird, even though my birthday really was next week.
‘Got anything planned?’ asked Dr Smell.
‘No,’ I mumbled, imagining my mum and dad and little sister back home in the olden days, hanging bunting and crossing their fingers I’d turn up again one day at their front door.
‘What, no party?’ said Dr Smell, and I shook my head.
Twoface’s two faces smiled to themselves. ‘Old RatNOSE here is scared his bday bash wouldn’t be as good as Mayor Goodhair’s,’ he sneered.
‘No I’m not,’ I said, and Not Bird squawked,
‘It’s true, the mayor’s parties are hard to beat,’ said Splorg. ‘Free food and drink for everybody – plus he’s unveiling a brand new statue of himself today at seven billion o’clock on the dot!’
Dr Smell twitched his nose. ‘ANOTHER Mayor Goodhair statue?’ he said. ‘That’s the 57th one this year!’
‘You know Mayor Goodhair – he loves a statue of himself!’ chuckled Jamjar, and I put my hand up, like I was in school.
‘Erm, I don’t want to sound stupid or anything, but can anyone tell me who Mayor Goodhair is exactly?’ I asked.
‘Mayor Goodhair is the mayor of Shnozville,’ said Jamjar.
‘Obviouskeely,’ chuckled Twoface, and Not Bird did a sniggle.
Jamjar ignored Twoface. ‘You know how Mr X goes round town blowing things up and causing trouble?’ she said, and I nodded. ‘Well the mayor is sort of the opposite of that – he replaces hover-pavements when they’re broken and makes sure everything’s clean and tidy.’
‘And why is he called “Mayor GOODHAIR”? I asked.
Jamjar pointed across the road at a statue of a man with an extremely good head of hair. Underneath his head was a little brass plaque with writing on it.
I Future- Ratboy- zoomed my eyes in and read the words ‘Mayor Goodhair’.
‘Because he’s got the keelest hair in the whole of Shnozville!’ chuckled Dr Smell.
said Twoface, as we waved goodbye to Dr Smell and carried on walking towards Shnozville Town Square. ‘Ever since he kidnapped The Wise Old Vending Machine he’s completely disappeared off the face of Shnozville!’
‘Maybe I scared him off,’ I smiled, pointing to myself. ‘I am the Shnozville Superhero of the Month, after all!’
‘NOT!’ screeched Not Bird, and Twoface cackled.
Not Bird squawks ‘NOT’ after everything I say, in case you haven’t noticed. And it’s been really getting on my nerves recently.
‘You do realise you’re my sidekick, don’t you, Not Bird?’ I asked. ‘That means you’re sposed to be on my side.’
‘NOT!’ squawked Not Bird again, and I picked up a leaf sock off the pavement and thought about stuffing it into his mouth, just to shut him up.
Jamjar did her serious face. ‘I wish Mr X WOULD disappear off the face of Shnozville,’ she said. ‘I’ve got a feeling he’ll turn up again sooner or later, though.’
I dropped my leaf sock and put my arm round Jamjar. ‘Don’t worry, Jamjar. Future Ratboy will protect you from the evil Mr X!’ I said in my keelest superhero voice.
‘NOT!’ screeched Not Bird for the seven trillionth time that morning. He high-fived Twoface with his wing and I felt the TV on my belly fizzle like a shaken-up can of Hedgehog Cola.
‘I tell you what, Not Bird,’ I snapped. ‘Why don’t you just be Twoface’s sidekick? Because it’s pretty obvious you don’t want to be mine!’
‘NOT!’ screeched Not Bird, snuggling into Twoface’s neck.
‘NOT YOURSELF!’ I shouted back.
‘Ratboy! Not Bird!’ cooed a familikeels voice, and Bunny appeared behind us, wobbling along the pavement to catch up. ‘Stop bickering, you two!’
Splorg looked at Bunny like he’d never seen her outside of Bunny Deli before. ‘What are YOU doing here?’ he asked.
‘I couldn’t miss Mayor Goodhair’s birthday party, could I?’ smiled Bunny, looking round at us all. ‘Ooh, you are a bunch of adorable little weirdos!’ she giggled, giving us a cuddle each, which didn’t take that long seeing as she’s got ten arms.
I glanced over at Splorg with his shiny