Barry Loser and the Holiday of Doom. Jim Smith
Ratboy on my Feeko’s Gamoid to celebrate.
Then I brushed my teeth with my Future Ratboy toothbrush, got into my Future Ratboy pyjamas and snuggled up underneath my Future Ratboy duvet to go to sleep.
‘Wait till Bunky and Nancy hear!’ I whispered to my cuddly Future Ratboy, and I squeezed his fat little belly and waited for him to speak.
‘WHAT IN THE NAME OF UNKEELNESS?!’ he screeched, and I remembered me saying the exact same words to Bunky outside Feeko’s that afternoon.
‘What if Bunky DOES fancy Nancy?’ I yawned, and I squeezed his belly again.
‘PUKESVILLE-O-RAMA!’ he screeched, as I nodded off to sleepypoos.
It was the next morning and I was sitting on my own in our classroom at school. I usually meet Bunky at the end of my road and skateboard to school with him, but for some reason today I’d com-per-lee-ter-ly missed him.
‘Morning, Barold!’ said Darren Darrenofski, wobbling through the door slurping on a can of Fronkle. He took his jacket off and hung it on my nose.
‘Be a loser and look after that,’ he burped, just as I spotted a sticker of a kangaroo doing a thumbs up stuck on to his jumper.
Our teacher, Miss Spivak, had started giving out scratch-and-sniff stickers to people for being well behaved, and even though I’d been a good little Barry for about nine trillion days in a row, I still didn’t have one.
‘How in the name of loserness did you get that?’ I said, because Darren’s the baddest-behaved person in the whole class.
‘I peeled it off Gordon Smugly’s jumper when he wasn’t looking!’ grinned Darren, giving the sticker a scratch, and I breathed in through my nostrils to see if it really did smell of kangaroo, not that I could smell anything apart from the inside of Darren’s jacket, which actually did stink a bit like a kangaroo I’d smelled at Mogden Zoo once.
‘That’s not fair!’ I said, standing up and waggling my nose, and Darren’s jacket flew off my nose into Miss Spivak’s bin.
‘Ooh, what a luvverly strong nose you have, Bazza!’ said an annoying voice, and I spotted Sharonella sitting down at the table next to me, stinking of perfume.
All of a non-sudden Miss Spivak walked into the classroom with Honk the class parrot on her shoulder. ‘I saw that,’ she squawked. ‘I’m watching you, Loser.’
‘But . . .’ I said, starting to explain how it was all Darren’s fault for hanging his kangaroo jacket on my nose, but Miss Spivak wasn’t listening.
‘I’ll never get a scratch-and-sniff sticker now!’ I whisper-shouted to Darren, and Sharonella reached over and scratched my earlobe.
‘You smell nice enough already, Bazza!’ she smiled, sniffing her finger, and I was just about to tell her how much she stank, when Bunky and Nancy walked through the door.
‘Mornkeels!’ I said, grinning at them. I was so excited to tell them they were coming to Plonkton, I wasn’t even annoyed that they’d walked to school together instead of with me.
‘Hi Barry,’ said Bunky, smiling at Nancy, who was wearing a scratch-and-sniff sticker of a mushroom doing a thumbs up she’d got for being the best at spelling.
I looked at my half-dog, half-best- friend and wrinkled my forehead. There was something about him that didn’t make sense.
I Future-Ratboy-zoomed my eyes in and tried to work out what it was.
His trainers looked normal, all scuffed up and stinking of foot cheese like they always did.
His legs were just his boring old legs, standing there with the rest of him balancing on top of them.
And his nose, ears, eyes and mouth were dotted around on his head in pretty much the right places.
‘What else is there?’ I mumbled, scratching my head with my fingers, which were on the end of my hand, which was on the end of my arm.
And that’s when it hit me. Bunky was holding a BOOK.
‘W-what is THAT?’ I stuttered. The whole time I’d known Bunky I’d never seen him even look at a book, and now he was carrying a PINK one with a picture of a KITTEN on it.
‘Weird, isn’t it!’ chuckled Nancy, prodding Bunky like she was checking to see if he was real. ‘It’s not HIS, of course.’ She slid the book out from under Bunky’s arm and put it down on her desk.
‘He said he wanted to carry it for me. I honestly don’t know what’s got into him recently!’ she smiled.
‘Nothing’s got into me, I’m just being well behaved so I get a sticker!’ said Bunky, scratching Nancy’s mushroom one and sniffing his finger. He grinned at Nancy, and his eyes scrinched up into two little upside-down grins as well.
I was just about to tell him to wipe all three of his loserish grins off his face, when Miss Spivak started calling out the register.
I always get nervous waiting to hear my name being called out, and in the panic I forgot all about Bunky carrying the book.
‘I’M HE-ERE!’ I shouted when Miss Spivak finally said my name, and I breathed a sigh of relief.
To celebrate it being over, I thought I’d tell Bunky and Nancy the good news about Plonkton.
‘Psst, Bunky! I’ve got the keelest news ever!’ I whispered-shouted into his ear, and I waited for him to say, ‘WHAT IS IT?’ all excitedly, his nose wagging like a dog’s tail.
‘LOSER!’ shouted Miss Spivak, putting her finger up to her lips. ‘Don’t make me lose my rag!’
‘Oh yeah, sorry!’ I whispered, remembering how we were all supposed to be being good boys and girls, what with the scratch-and-sniff stickers and everything.
I squeezed my lips together as tightly as possible and crossed my arms,