On Planet Fruitcake. Anne Fine
So he was quiet. What was wrong with that?
Beth was still going on about how lucky they were. ‘Miss Dove never snaps at us like Mr Huggett does when he catches us mucking about in the corridors.’
‘No,’ Astrid said. ‘And her eyes never go all narrow, like a cat’s, and flash the scary way Miss Gelland’s do if you forget your sports stuff.’
Still Philip said nothing. He was remembering the last time his mum and dad came back from meeting Miss Dove on parents’ evening.
‘She says you’re very quiet in class,’ his mum had told him.
‘Too quiet,’ said his dad. ‘She says you don’t join in the class discussions. Why is that, Philip? Are you a little scared of her?’
Scared of Miss Dove? How could you ever be scared of Miss Dove. She never made them jump by hissing at them to be quiet, like Mr Pound. Or gave them really fierce looks, like Mrs Carter did if ever they whispered in Assembly. She was the nicest teacher he’d ever had.
Still, on his end of term report she’d written, Philip must try to make more of an effort to speak up in class discussions.
Not that it was easy to get a word in edgeways with his class. Someone was always talking. Even now, James was giving everyone another reason why Miss Dove was the best teacher they could ever have.
‘She never tells us off as strictly as Miss Sprout does.’
‘Or shouts at us, like Mrs Moran does when she’s had enough. Miss Dove would never, ever, ever lose her temper.’
‘We are so lucky,’ Beth reminded them all over again. ‘We’re lucky, lucky, lucky to have Miss Dove.’
And Philip just stayed very quiet.
2
‘Is something wrong with your brains?’
That day it was really, really hot – far too hot to work. Miss Dove was starting a new project, all about travel. First, they made a list on the whiteboard of all the different ways there were of getting to other places. They’d called out all the easy ones like planes and cars and trains and feet and bicycles and buses, but Miss Dove was still standing waiting.
She tried encouraging them. ‘I know you can come up with a few more! Let’s all try to think a bit more and a little harder. Come on, now. Who’s going to be the first to think of another one?’
Still nobody spoke. A bee buzzed in the window and then buzzed out again. Sarah flopped on her desk and spread her arms to try to cool herself. Paul picked up his workbook and used it as a fan.
Miss Dove sighed. ‘What is the matter with you all?’ she said. ‘Is something wrong with your brains today? Why aren’t they working properly?’
‘It’s too hot,’ Amari moaned.
‘And too stuffy,’ wailed Connor.
Astrid hated hot weather. It made her hands go sticky and her plaits feel heavy. So when Miss Dove told Connor and Amari, ‘I don’t see why the weather makes a difference. I don’t see why you can’t just think ’, Astrid said grumpily, ‘You probably wouldn’t like it if we did.’
Miss Dove turned from the whiteboard. Gently she smiled. ‘Now you don’t really believe that, do you, Astrid?’
‘Maybe,’ said Astrid. (She was in the mood to quarrel with anyone, even Miss Dove.) ‘Maybe if we began to use our brains a lot, we would start arguing with you. I don’t think you’d like that.’
Miss Dove beamed. ‘Of course I wouldn’t mind! It is my job to teach you how to think. So if you all began to think really hard about everything, I’d be delighted.’ Miss Dove let out one of her merry, tinkling laughs. ‘Why, Astrid, did you think I might get cross Or lose my temper?’
‘You might,’ said Astrid.
‘Only if we lived on Planet Fruitcake!’
‘Perhaps we do,’ said Astrid stubbornly.
3
On Planet Fruitcake. Philip sat quietly, wondering what it meant. It sounded like some upside-down world in which teachers didn’t want anyone to have ideas of their own, and people like him put up their hands in class and joined in the discussions.
It was a really strange idea. And he wasn’t the only one to think so. Clearly Miss Dove did too, because she was saying, ‘Of course we don’t live on Planet Fruitcake! And I’m so sure we don’t, I’ll make a bet with you. You can all use your brains and think for a whole day, and if I once get cross or lose my temper, I’ll buy the whole class a present.’
Everyone giggled at the very idea of sweet, kind, gentle Miss Dove losing her temper.
Except for Astrid. She just asked, ‘What sort of present?’
‘I haven’t had time to think.’ Miss Dove smiled. ‘And you’re not going to get one anyway. I’m going to win the bet because we don’t live on Planet Fruitcake. No one does.’
Still, Philip thought, it was a nice idea. On Planet Fruitcake he’d be someone who put up his hand and joined in the discussions, just like everyone else.
Yes, Planet Fruitcake was the place to be.
4
‘Right,’ Miss Dove said encouragingly next morning. ‘Ready to use your brains? Are all the tiny wheels inside your heads well-oiled and spinning nicely?’
Everyone nodded. It was cloudier today, and nowhere near so hot and stuffy. Everyone, even Astrid, felt ready to think.
‘Good.’ Miss Dove beamed. ‘Then we’ll begin the minute we get back from Assembly.’
But Philip started sooner than that. Because in Assembly Mrs Carter gave a little talk. ‘Anyone can knock someone over in the playground by accident,’ she said. ‘But they should never try to put the blame on someone else. It’s never, ever right to tell a lie.’
All the way back to the classroom, Philip was thinking. He knew that, if he lived on Planet Fruitcake, he would have something to say to the whole class. He’d put his hand up, just like all the others did.
Why not? Why couldn’t he pretend he lived there. No one would know.
Before he could