If Wishes Were Horses.... Judith Duncan
after he died just how bad it was.” She turned her head toward the window, her profile stark against the bright light. “I didn’t find out until then that he had a serious gambling problem as well—a very serious gambling problem. I knew he gambled, but I really thought it was strictly recreational.” She finally looked at Conner, her gaze bleak. “He owed hundreds of thousands of dollars. And when the people started calling his loans, I couldn’t believe it at first. He had borrowed from everyone. His teammates, his friends, the kids’ educational funds. I found records for all those personal loans in his safety deposit box. I used all our savings and his insurance money to pay off his friends, and I thought I had it under control.”
She clutched her arms tighter, then tipped her head back, staring at the ceiling. “Then I started getting calls from a string of his bookies. And there was another huge loan from a loan company in the States— I found out later he’d borrowed that to pay off another huge drug and gambling debt.” She closed her eyes, the muscles in her jaw working; then she let out another sigh and looked at him. “To make a long story short,” she said, her voice devoid of any emotion, “I had to remortgage the house, and I sold off every piece of art we had, my jewelry, his cars—anything and everything that had any kind of value.” She held up her naked left hand. “Even my rings. But I got the bookies all paid off, and I had to cut a deal with the loan company for me to pay them back. Everything was gone—the equity in the house, all our investments…everything. Thank God the kids’ school tuition is covered by a trust fund from my parents’ estate, or I would have had to pull them out.”
As if everything was crowding in on her, she got up and went over to the patio doors and stood staring out, her arms still clutched in front of her. She didn’t say anything for a moment, then spoke, her voice barely audible. “I had managed to pay back most of the last loan, except there’s still twenty thousand dollars owing. I knew, given time, I’d get it paid off. Then I lost my job. The company I work for was part of a merger, and my position was eliminated. I got a decent severance package, but that was it. Kaput.” She lifted one shoulder in a small, defeated shrug. “When the loan company found out, they called their note.” She turned and faced him, giving him a wan smile. “Of course I couldn’t pay it, so now they’ve threatened to take me to court.” Her face ashen and her hands visibly trembling, she came back over to the table and sat down, not a trace of animation in her. She clasped her hands together on the table, rubbing one thumb against the other. Her attempt at a smile failed. “It’s been a bit of a bitch, Conner.”
He had forced himself to remain disengaged during her telling—not allowing any kind of feeling to surface. But now, as she sat there, her animation gone, the vibrancy beat right out of her, he experienced a rush of rage. She was out of a job, just about out of money, and her once-perfect life was a total mess. He wanted to kill somebody.
She tipped her head back and closed her eyes, and Conner could see tears gathering in her lashes. Her despair cut him to the quick. And something gave way inside him. He had only ever initiated touching her twice before—once when he’d kissed Scotty’s bride after the wedding. And then the night Scotty had died, when he’d pulled her onto his lap like a small wounded child, and held her as she wept for their awful loss. That time had been about offering comfort, and nothing more. This time, though, would be about something entirely different.
Knowing he was stepping across a very dangerous line, and sharply aware of how hard his heart was pounding in his chest, he reached across the table and grasped her cold, thin hands between his. The feel of her was almost enough. Almost.
His heart lumbering, he tightened his hold, rubbing her hands between his, trying to infuse her with his warmth. Then he drew in a deep, uneven breath and spoke, his voice very gruff. “You could have called me, Abby,” he said quietly.
She opened her eyes, tears catching in her long lashes. “I couldn’t,” she whispered. “You had lost him, too. I couldn’t dump this in your lap.”
Holding her gaze, he managed a lopsided smile. “Well, consider it dumped.” He gave her hands a reassuring squeeze. “Between us, we’ll straighten this whole mess out. But the first rule is that you’re not to worry anymore, okay?”
She stared at him, more tears damming up, and the look in her eyes almost did him in. Disconnecting from the feelings rising up in him, he gave her hands another squeeze, prompting an answer. “Okay?”
She managed a wobbly smile and nodded, and he rewarded her effort with a smile of his own. “Okay.” He gave her hands another reassuring little shake, then released her. Leaning back in his chair, he scrutinized her. “How much sleep have you had in the past couple of weeks?”
Some of the old Abby resurfaced. She managed an almost real smile. “Good grief, Conner. Don’t you know anything? No one sleeps when you’re lost in the swamp and up to your armpits in alligators.”
He rewarded her effort with a soft chuckle, then he stood up. “Well, I’m here to drain the swamp, lady. So go to bed and get some sleep.”
“I can’t. The kids are home early from school today, and…”
Conner broke his self-imposed rule for the second time that day. He grasped her hand, pulled her to her feet, then pushed her toward the front foyer and the stairs. “Damn it,” he said, trying to sound as if he meant it, “don’t start arguing with me already, Abigail. For the rest of the day, I’m the boss.”
She turned at the bottom of the stairs and looked up at him, a faint glimmer appearing in her eyes. “All right. I’ll give you today, Calhoun. But tomorrow is mine, and don’t you forget it.” Catching him totally by surprise, she gripped his arm, then stretched up and kissed him on the cheek. “Thank you, Conner,” she whispered unevenly. Then she turned and went up the stairs, and Conner watched her go, his lungs suddenly so tight it was impossible to get air into them.
A rush of emotion jammed up in his chest, and he anchored his hand on the heavy oak newel post. God help him, he had to keep his head on straight. And he had to do right by her. Because, in the end, that was all he could ever give her.
Beginning to feel the effects of a sleepless night, he returned to the kitchen and poured himself another coffee, then went out and stood on the raised deck, staring out over the expensively designed landscape. Right now a half-hour nap would do wonders, but he knew he’d never sleep with her trapped in his head. Clamping his jaw shut, he forced himself to concentrate on other things, like how he was going to get her out of this pickle without walking all over that damned pride of hers. But he really didn’t have a whole lot of options. Yeah, Abigail Allistair had put on a brave face, and she didn’t expect anyone to bail her out, but he could tell that she was damned near at the end of her rope. There was no way he could walk off and leave her in this mess. So that gave him only one alternative. He was stepping in whether she liked it or not. And it was too damned bad if he tramped on her pride.
His expression set, he went back into the house. For his own peace of mind, he needed to check on her—she was just too eaten up by stress and strain, and far too thin for his liking.
The master bedroom door was ajar, and Conner pushed it open with one finger. She was curled up on the bed, very soundly asleep, her hands tucked under her face. Resting his shoulder against the door frame, he hooked his thumb in the front pocket of his jeans, his expression fixed as he watched her sleep. She was far too thin, but what bothered him more than anything was that her special effervescence was gone—that rare kind of energy that could light up a whole room. It was as if her bright spirit had been extinguished, and she just looked so fragile. He’d give anything if he had the right to hold her, to wrap her up and keep her safe.
Ever since she’d appeared that long-ago Christmas, she had been his still center, and in spite of the emptiness in his life, he wouldn’t know what to do without her there. Just knowing she was alive fortified him somehow.
Abby stirred, curling up tighter, and Conner suspected she was cold. Careful not to make a sound, he went into the room, picked up a throw off the wing chair by the bed, then carefully covered her with it. Some of her hair had come loose from the ponytail, and he very gently lifted the strands away from