Linda Vista (TCG Edition). Tracy Letts
to be polite about it.
PAUL: Were you trying to be polite about it?
WHEELER: And we’re supposed to find middle ground with these people. What middle ground, where is this ground in the middle? These people are so fucking stupid, they think human beings walked around with dinosaurs. I have to find middle ground with that? “No, sir, you’re an idiot, I’d prefer not to meet you anywhere near the middle. I’ll stay right here and you stay way over there on the stupid side.” Aren’t you obligated to deal with these assholes at work?
PAUL: Kind of an unwritten rule at City Hall, we never talk politics.
WHEELER: I was out to dinner with this girl and we were talking, turns out she comes from this big military family, like everybody in the family has served, and I hear this and I’m thinking, “Please don’t say some dumb shit about the stupid border wall or NFL players taking a knee cause I just won’t handle it well,” and so I play it cool, y’know, “Thanks for their service,” or whatever, and then I said, very concerned, “Too bad we’re always stuck in these pointless bullshit wars, like too bad all these motherfuckers are dead for no good reason.” And she went off on me! I said, “Didn’t I say, ‘Thanks for their service?’ I’m on their side, I don’t want these guys going off and dying, I think they should just stay anchored out there in the bay doing their dumb fucking maneuvers and doing, y’know, pushups.”
PAUL: How’d that go over?
WHEELER: I got the check while she started singing “Proud to Be an American.” And this girl, my God . . . like Ali Mac-Graw. I would’ve worn a MAGA hat if she’d let me do all my dirty things.
PAUL: Wow. Like Goodbye, Columbus Ali MacGraw?
WHEELER: More like Convoy Ali MacGraw.
PAUL: Ew, with the perm?
WHEELER: She didn’t have a perm.
PAUL: Ali MacGraw had a perm in Convoy.
WHEELER: This girl did not have a perm.
PAUL: Then how is she like Convoy Ali MacGraw?
WHEELER: The essence. The essence of Convoy Ali MacGraw.
PAUL: When you say Convoy Ali MacGraw, I pretty much just picture that perm.
WHEELER: Well, stop picturing that.
PAUL: I don’t get that, why’d they make her perm her hair? That long straight brunette hair was her signature, y’know?
WHEELER: The crooked front tooth was her signature. The long straight brunette hair was a feature, but the crooked front tooth was her signature.
PAUL: She was a sex addict, you know.
WHEELER: Really? How do you know?
PAUL: I don’t have any inside information. She wrote it in her autobiography.
WHEELER: You read Ali MacGraw’s autobiography?
PAUL: No.
WHEELER: She was a sex addict? That pisses me off.
PAUL: Why’s that?
WHEELER: I never meet any female sex addicts. I’ve never once met a female sex addict. Where was I when Ali MacGraw was addicted to sex?
PAUL: You were about nine years old.
WHEELER: Don’t play with numbers. There’s a principle here.
PAUL: There’s no guarantee she would’ve been into you at any age.
WHEELER: Isn’t that the whole thing about a sex addict? They’re not known for their discernment.
PAUL: The most hardcore sex addict still might not be into you.
WHEELER: What kind of addiction is that? C’mon. “Sex addict.” Is that even a real thing? We start throwing around the word addiction for everything we do or use immoderately but does that really make it an addiction?
PAUL: I guess it depends on how you define—
WHEELER: Let me ask you. I don’t even have to ask, I know the answer. When you were a kid, didn’t you jerk off all the time?
PAUL: Sure.
WHEELER: Is that an addiction? When you were thirteen years old, were you addicted to jerking off?
PAUL: I’m still addicted to jerking off.
WHEELER: Up top.
(They slap a casual high five.)
Maybe Ali MacGraw just liked to fuck a lot. Should we criminalize her for that?
PAUL: I’m not criminalizing her. I didn’t call her a sex addict.
WHEELER: You just called her a sex addict.
PAUL: She called herself a sex addict.
WHEELER: Well she’s being too hard on herself. She shoulda just said, “Hi, I’m Ali MacGraw and I like to fuck a lot.”
PAUL: Used to.
WHEELER: “Hi, I’m Ali MacGraw and I used to like to fuck a lot.”
PAUL: What is this she’s doing, is she on a commercial?
WHEELER: Yes, she is. “Hi, I’m Ali MacGraw and I used to like to fuck a lot, so when I use paper towels, I use Brawny.”
PAUL: What does fucking a lot have to do with paper towels?
WHEELER: She’s a celebrity spokesperson, the talent doesn’t have to match the product. Remember Joe DiMaggio and Mr. Coffee? “Hi, I’m Joe DiMaggio, I hit .325 lifetime and have nine rings, so when I drink coffee, I make it in this cheap plastic piece of shit.”
PAUL: Nine rings? Is that right?
WHEELER: Oh yeah. Fucking Yankees.
PAUL: You had a date. I didn’t know you were dating.
WHEELER: I’ve had a couple dates.
PAUL: Anything look promising?
WHEELER: No, nothing serious, I’m really not looking. I mean there’s the new girl at work. Anita.
PAUL: Anita, that’s the brunette.
WHEELER: Yeah, you met her. The new girl. Not really brunette.
PAUL: You’re going out with Anita?
WHEELER: No, we went to lunch. Just over to the food court.
PAUL: She seems great. I mean I barely met her.
WHEELER: She is great.
PAUL: She has ample breasts.
WHEELER: Very large breasts.
PAUL: I mean substantial.
WHEELER: Are we just looking for different ways to say big?
PAUL: Have you seen them?
WHEELER: We had a twenty-minute lunch at the food court,
PAUL. She didn’t expose her bosom at the Lotus Express.
PAUL: I’m glad you’re going out. I’ve been worried about you.
WHEELER: Why?
PAUL: You’ve been through a tough time.
WHEELER: Yeah, but I got this place now and I’m getting it together.
PAUL: How’d you find this place?
WHEELER: The internet.
PAUL: It’s all right.
WHEELER: Anything’s an improvement over the cot in my wife’s garage. My kid looking out there in the morning like, “Who’s the loser sleeping in the garage? Oh that’s right, it’s my dad.”