Studies in the Psychology of Sex (Vol. 1-6). Havelock Ellis
after my mother's death. My father superintended my education up to that time, and I had free access to a large and very varied library, and a great deal of solitary leisure to enjoy it in. There were a number of medical and scientific books in it, which were my principal favorites, and I remember deciding at a very early age to be a doctor. When about 5 years old I recollect having a sexual dream connected with a railway porter. It afforded me great pleasure to recall this dream, and about that time I discovered a method of self-gratification (there is not much 'teaching' required in these matters!).
"I cannot say that the dream I have mentioned constituted absolutely the first intimation of inverted feeling, but rather that it crystallized vague ideas which I might have already had on the subject. I can recollect that when about between 3 and 4 years of age a young fellow of about 20 came to our house several times as a visitor. He was fond of children, I suppose, and I generally sat on his knee and was kissed by him. This was a source of great pleasure to me, but I cannot remember if it was accompanied by erection. I can only recall that his attention and caresses made a greater impression upon me than those of women. When about that age too I was often aroused when sleeping with my mother, and told not to lie on my face. I remember that erection was always present on these occasions. The dream was the first of many of its kind, and in my case they have never been accompanied by emission. They have always been of an 'inverted' character, though I have occasionally had dreams about women. These latter, however, have usually partaken somewhat of the nature of a nightmare!
"Up to the age of 14 I felt much perplexed and depressed by my views on sexual desire, and was convinced that they were peculiar to myself. This, combined with the solitary condition of my life, and about four years' continued ill-treatment prior to my mother's death (she had given way to drink for that period), had a very injurious effect on my health, mental and bodily. Looking back from my present point of view, I can understand and forgive many things which appeared monstrous and unjust to me as a child. My mother's life must have been a very unhappy one, and she was bitterly disappointed in many ways, very likely in me as well. My unfortunate, misunderstood temperament led me to be shy and secretive, and I was often ailing, and my training was not calculated to improve matters. At last, however, change and freedom came, and I was sent to a boarding-school. Here, of course, I soon met with attachments and gratifications with other boys. I arrived at puberty, and my health improved under happier surroundings. I was not long in discovering that my companions viewed the pleasures that meant so much to me from an entirely different standpoint. Their gratifications were usually accompanied by conversation about, and a general direction of thought toward, females. When I had turned 15, owing to monetary difficulties I was obliged to leave school, and was soon not only thrown on my own resources, but accountable to no one but myself for my conduct. Of course, my next discovery was that my case, so far from being peculiar, was a most common one, and I was quickly initiated into all the mysteries of inversion, with its freemasonry and 'argot.' Altogether my experience of inverts has been a pretty wide and varied one, and I have always endeavored to classify and compare cases which have come under my notice with a view to arriving at some sort of conclusion or explanation.
"I suppose it is due to female versatility or impressibility that it is possible for me to experience mentally the emotions attributable to either sex, according to the age and temperament of my companion; for instance, with one older than myself, possessing well-marked male characteristics, I am able to feel all that surrender and dependence which is so essentially feminine. On the other hand, if with a youth of feminine type and behavior I can realize, with an equal amount of pleasure, the tender, yet dominant, attitude of the male.
"I experience no particular 'horror' of women sexually. I should imagine that my feeling toward them resembles very much what normal people feel with regard to others of their own sex." M. N. remarks that he cannot whistle, and that his favorite color is green.
In this case the subject easily found a moral modus vivendi with his inverted instinct, and he takes its gratification for granted. In the following case, which, I believe, is typical of a large group, the subject has never yielded to his inverted impulses, and, except so far as masturbation is concerned, has preserved strict chastity.
HISTORY IX.—R. S., aged 31, American of French descent. "Upon the question of heredity I may say that I belong to a reasonably healthy, prolific, and long-lived family. On my father's side, however, there is a tendency toward pulmonary troubles. He himself died of pneumonia, and two of his brothers and a nephew of consumption. Neither of my parents were morbid or eccentric. Excepting for a certain shyness with strangers, my father was a very masculine man. My mother is somewhat nervous, but is not imaginative, nor at all demonstrative in her affections. I think that my own imaginative and artistic temperament must come from my father's side. Perhaps my French ancestry has something to do with it. With the exception of my maternal grandfather, all my progenitors have been of French descent. My mother's father was English.
"I possess a mercurial temperament and a strong sense of the ludicrous. Though my physique is slight, my health has always been excellent. Of late years especially I have been greatly given to introspection and self-scrutiny, but have never had any hallucinations, mental delusions, nor hysterics, and am not at all superstitious. Spiritualistic manifestations, hypnotic dabblings, and the other psychical fads of the day have little or no attraction for me. In fact, I have always been skeptical of them, and they rather bore me.
"At school I was an indolent, dreamy boy, shirking study, but otherwise fairly docile to my teachers. From earliest childhood I have indulged in omnivorous taste for reading, my particular likings being for travels, esthetics, metaphysical and theological subjects, and more recently for poetry and certain forms of mysticism. I never cared much for history or for scientific subjects. From the beginning, too, I showed a strong artistic bent, and possessed an overpowering love for all things beautiful. As a child I was passionately fond of flowers, loved to be in the woods and alone, and wanted to become an artist. My parents opposed the latter wish and I gave way before their opposition.
"In me the homosexual nature is singularly complete, and is undoubtedly congenital. The most intense delight of my childhood (even when a tiny boy in a nurse's charge) was to watch acrobats and riders at the circus. This was not so much for the skillful feats as on account of the beauty of their persons. Even then I cared chiefly for the more lithe and graceful fellows. People told me that circus actors were wicked, and would steal little boys, and so I came to look upon my favorites as half-devil and half-angel. When I was older and could go about alone, I would often hang around the tents of travelling shows in hope of catching a glimpse of the actors. I longed to see them naked, without their tights, and used to lie awake at night thinking of them and longing to be loved and embraced by them. A certain bareback rider, a sort of jockey, used especially to please me on account of his handsome legs, which were clothed in fleshlings up to his waist, leaving his beautiful loins uncovered by a breech-clout. There was nothing consciously sensual about these reveries, because at the time I had no sensual feelings or knowledge. Curiously enough, the women-actors repelled me then (as they do to this day) quite as strongly as I was attracted by the men.
"I used, also, to take great pleasure in watching men and boys in swimming, but my opportunities for seeing them thus were extremely rare. I never dared let my comrades know how I felt about these matters, but the sight of a well-formed, naked youth or man would fill me (and does now) with mingled feelings of bashfulness, anguish, and delight. I used to tell myself endless stories of a visionary castle inhabited by beautiful boys, one of whom was especially my dear chum.
"It was always the prince, in fairy tales, who held my interest or affection. I was constantly falling in love with handsome boys whom I never knew; nor did I ever try to mix in their company, for I was abashed before them, and had no liking nor aptitude for boyish games. Sometimes I played with girls because they were more quiet and gentler, but I cared for them little or not at all.
"As is usually the case, my parents neglected to impart to me any sexual knowledge, and such as I possessed was gathered furtively from tainted sources, bad boys' talk at school and elsewhere. My elders let me know, in a vague way, that talk of the kind was wicked, and natural timidity and a wish to be 'good' kept me from learning much about sexual matters. As I never went to boarding-school, I was spared, perhaps, many of the degrading initiations administered