The Savvy Ally. Jeannie Gainsburg
teacher in The Catcher in the Rye—he will typically think one of two things. He might think, “That’s not me,” in which case he will go back into the identity confusion stage and wonder, “If I’m not gay, why do I feel so different?” He might also think, “I’m pretty sure I am gay, but being gay is clearly bad. I am never telling anyone.” And he will move into the stage of identity tolerance, feeling pretty crummy about who he is.
Now let’s think about what happens if he looks out into the world and he sees the out gay athlete Jason Collins or the out gay actor Neil Patrick Harris. Truth be told, because of all those societal expectations that he should be straight, he probably is still not jumping up and down with glee, but his journey toward self-acceptance is likely to be a lot smoother. With powerful, bright, and healthy gay role models like Collins and Harris, and better media portrayal of gay men, like Lieutenant Sulu in the Star Trek reboot, he is more likely to move rapidly through this stage of identity comparison, and also through the next stage of identity tolerance.
Identity Tolerance
NOT-SO-FUN FACTS
It has been known for many years that the attempted suicide rate for gay, lesbian, and bisexual people is three to four times higher than it is for those who identify as straight.2 In 2015 the largest survey of transgender individuals ever done showed that the attempted suicide rate for trans-gender people is over 40 percent.3 Over 40 percent of the more than twenty-five thousand transgender people from all fifty states surveyed in this study have attempted suicide! Compare that with the 4.6 percent rate for the general public4 and it’s pretty clear that cisgender allies have a lot of work to do to support our trans friends. It’s important to note that this study also revealed that when transgender individuals have support and, if desired, access to medical care for transitioning, the rate of attempted suicide drops down to the same rate as the general population. Once again, this is not a problem with LGBTQ+ people, this is a problem with our society.
The word tolerance gets thrown around a lot in social justice circles and is often confused with acceptance, but the two are actually pretty different. We tolerate things that we dislike but have no control over, like traffic or a bad cold. Tolerating your identity is not a good or healthy place to be. The identity tolerance stage is when the person has come out to themselves but is unlikely to come out to others. They may think of their identity as their dirty little secret that nobody else ever needs to know. This is the stage where suicidal ideation and suicide attempts are likeliest.
Identity Acceptance
In the stage of identity acceptance, the individual begins to realize that they are not the only LGBTQ+ person in the world and that they are going to be okay. This is the stage where many people begin to seek out others like themselves and make their first attempts at coming out. They may come out to a total stranger to test the waters because it feels safer, or they may come out to a trusted friend or family member. (Perhaps one who is wearing a big rainbow ally pin! Just sayin’.) How their first coming-out reveal is received may affect whether they move into identity pride, hang out in identity acceptance, or move back into identity tolerance.
Identity Pride
Identity pride is the stage I like to call the loud and proud stage. People on the outside looking in often describe people in this stage as obnoxious, aggressive, angry, or over the top. It’s important for allies to understand where these loud and proud behaviors and attitudes are coming from and to appreciate the experience that the person has survived.
Identity pride is the stage where the person is finally out to the world and it feels so good! In many cases it means that the person has come out to some folks during the identity acceptance stage and the world has not ended. In fact, they may have been surprised by the support they received. In the identity acceptance stage they may have met other supportive LGBTQ+ people. Now, in the identity pride stage, they are sloughing off that oppressive cloak of self-hatred, self-doubt, and fear, and stepping out into the world as their authentic, out and proud selves. The aggression and anger that sometimes comes with this stage stems from having had to lie for so long about who they are, an impulse to protect their new authentic selves, and a vow not to go back into the closet and hide who they are ever again.
A participant in one of my workshops had a lightbulb go off when I described the identity pride stage. She said, “Oh wow! This makes so much sense! I had a customer come into my shop recently and she said, ‘I’m a lesbian. Okay? Do you have a problem with that? ’Cause if you have a problem with that I’ll go somewhere else.’ And I thought to myself, ‘What the heck? Did I do something to make her feel unsafe or unwelcome?’ This makes total sense now!”
For a person in the identity pride stage, their identity as LGBTQ+ is likely to be at the forefront of all of their other identities. They may have fewer straight/cisgender friends during this time. They may be intolerant of LGBTQ+ people who are not living out and authentically. If they are a student, every writing assignment is likely to be about their LGBTQ+ identity. If they are in the work-place, they may suddenly add a pride flag to their cubicle. Typically, you know when someone is in the stage of identity pride: You can see the rainbows flowing from the back of their heads.
Identity Synthesis
With time, patience, love, and support, most LGBTQ+ individuals will move into the stage of identity synthesis. In this stage they are, of course, still proud to be LGBTQ+, but it’s not everything they are about. I have a friend who says that when he was in the identity pride stage he was a Capital-G Gay professor. Now in the stage of identity synthesis, he is gay, a professor, a father, a dog owner, a basketball player, a wine enthusiast, etc. Being gay is just a part of who he is.
Is there still anger and aggression in this final stage? There certainly can be—and for good reason. However, the anger is typically more appropriately focused on people who are being disrespectful or discriminatory, not on the entire straight/cisgender population.
In Summary
To sum things up, let’s look at how differently an LGBTQ+ person might respond to a coworker’s question, “Hey! I’m going to the Pride parade this Saturday. Anyone wanna come?” depending on where the LGBTQ+ person is in their process of coming out:
Identity Confusion: “I don’t think so, thanks.”
Identity Comparison: “I don’t think so, thanks.”
Identity Tolerance: “Seriously? No way! I’m no homo.”
Identity Acceptance: “Um … I’ve got other plans on Saturday, but thanks for asking.” (And then a text later in the day: “Actually, I would like to go with u to the parade. LOL”)
Identity Pride: “Hells yeah!!! I’m pumped!!! I’m buying rainbow tutus for everyone!!!”
Identity Synthesis: “I’m pretty sure I can. Let me check with my partner and I’ll let you know. Thanks.”
FROM THEORY TO REALITY
What I’ve shared above is a theoretical developmental model. Now let’s look at the realities of coming out in the real world. Typically, folks do not move seamlessly, in a completely linear fashion through the six stages of the Cass model to the final stage of identity synthesis, and then— ding!—they’re done! The Cass model is a tool that can