I Was Gone Long Before I Left. Peter C. Wilcox
and psychologically.
Sometimes, we have to deal with other questions before we can find the right question. That is the way it was for me. Ever since I was a novice in our Order in 1962, I was constantly plagued by questions whether I could live this life. Could I live my vows in a healthy way and not be crippled by them? Could I find happiness in living community life? Over the years, I had lived with some friars who seemed to be unhappy all the time. For a variety of reasons, they were difficult to live with. Had religious life made them this way? Did living the vows end up having this kind of negative impact on their development? I was afraid that this might happen to me.
Later on, some of my other questions focused on several physical ailments I was constantly experiencing. What was causing these daily headaches that were so difficult to treat? Why was my stomach always bothering me? At other times, my questions would center around the depression I was struggling with. Not only why was I depressed but what could I do about it? I struggled with these types of questions for years looking for answers before I allowed the right question to seep into my consciousness—should I stay in religious life and the priesthood or not? What was the “afternoon of my life” saying to me?
8. Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet, 34–35.
9. de Mello, The Heart of the Enlightened, 38.
10. Merton, Conjectures, 1.
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