Chasing Worthiness. Tammy Sherger
right path should be when I was growing up: I was supposed to graduate high school, otherwise I would never find a job. Honestly, the truth, when I was growing up, was more about getting a job than going to college. Get a good job, hopefully one with a pension, work there for forty years, retire, and have security. Along the way, get married, have two children, work hard, and buy a home. After that, buy a bigger home and a bigger car. Then raise those children, have some grandchildren, retire, and die.
If we stop to think about it, most of us do have this perceived right path we’re supposed to follow. And if we don’t follow it, we don’t feel like we can be successful. Sometimes we’re following it and asking, as I did at times, “Hey! Is this all there is? Shouldn’t there be more?”
That’s the question. I want you to think about that for a second. What do you believe is the right path? As you were growing up, what were you told was the right path to success and happiness? The messages you received about the right path and the people who told you are important when considering the impact on your life as an adult. They could have been people you looked up to. Together the message and the speakers set you up to follow paths that were right for them, but not necessarily right for you.
Your First Job
I’m going to take you back to where I can recall being impacted by the “right path.” I’m going to go back to my first job at Ponderosa Steak House. Can you remember your first job?
I was thirteen. I lied about my age to get this job. A dollar thirty-five an hour. Can you imagine that as your starting wage? I had to wear a nice little shirt and a cowboy hat. I was a bus girl. I cleared tables and sang “Happy Birthday” to children. I really, really needed that job because I wanted something: I wanted a pair of star jeans with the star on the back pocket. Oh my, they were designer jeans back in my day! And they cost twenty-five dollars. Although my dad worked hard every day, he couldn’t afford twenty-five dollars for a pair of jeans. Hence, I was willing to put on that cowboy hat. Even if I didn’t look cool while at the job, I was going to look cool when I went to school in my star jeans.
I learned belief number one while in this environment. It came directly from my parents, Toivo and Florence. My dad would say, “Just go to work. Go to work and work hard. Because if you work hard and you’re good to your boss, everything is going to be okay.” That’s what I learned: to work hard. I took this belief to heart, and I developed a very strong work ethic. Much later in life I learned that working hard and waiting for people to notice was not going to guarantee success.
I jumped off my proposed right path. I dropped out of school, I was a teenage mother, and I was married before I was old enough to vote. If you look at the list of everything I was supposed to do to be on the right path, I wasn’t.
Another belief was formed from these experiences. Success is for other people. Because I didn’t take my parents’ right path, I was never going to be successful. And there was nothing I could do to change that. I gave myself a life sentence. So, I didn’t dream very big. And the beliefs snowballed from there. I’m not smart enough because I didn’t finish school. I will never be successful because I was a teenage mother.
But is that really true? No. Think about what you believe to be the right path. What was the right path you thought you had to take? What beliefs did you develop from childhood? What beliefs are you carrying still? I carried my beliefs from childhood just like you. But I challenged those beliefs to become a different person, to define my own path. I found my worthiness.
What is worthiness made of? Worthiness is made up of your beliefs. And what is a belief? It’s an acceptance, by you, of a statement. You decide that statement is true. That’s the only thing a belief is. It doesn’t matter what belief you have. It only exists and persists because you decide it to be true. Your decisions on what is true about yourself impact the way you are living your life.
My dad Toivo in 1945
My parents, Toivo and Florence, 1950
All the words you tell yourself are made up in the context of the messages, the people, and your experiences. Things like I’m not good at reading. I’ve failed already. I’m not smart enough. Success is not for me. Worthiness—or its negative flipside, the feeling of unworthiness—is made up of all the beliefs you have. So I ask you to consider how important it is to be aware of the process that creates these beliefs. We are not aware of the origins and impact of most of our beliefs. Remember this: whether you believe you’re worth it or not, beliefs are not true unless you decide they are.
The Virtue of Judgment
Is it possible that judgment is good for you? Have you ever tried to stop judging other people? You might say, “I don’t want to be a judger,” pulling all the books and articles you can on the topic so you can discover the secret to stop judging. “I am such a bad person because I judge.” But that’s not true and here’s why. You can’t stop judging. I don’t care what you read or what you do, you cannot stop judging because judging is natural to your brain network. Your brain is looking at what’s happening around you. It’s deciding whether those happenings match your beliefs. If they don’t match, the judging rises to the surface. Those beliefs are strong and engrained. Your brain does not easily give them up, and it always uses beliefs to judge.
Let me give you an example. I love these belief-one-liners that really stick with us, like “children should be seen and not heard.” When I was young, I heard that one a lot. Imagine you go into a restaurant and see this family, parents and their two children. The kids are having fun. They’re coloring and being rambunctious. Sure, they’re making a little noise, but they’re not being bad. You sit down and think to yourself, For goodness’ sakes, can’t that mother handle her children? Notice you probably said mother and not father, so there’s another belief. But are those children really being bad? Or is it because what’s happening outside of you does not match what you believe? We can all recognize the feeling of judging, whether we are judging others or judging ourselves.
If I took you aside and asked, “What do you believe in?” you would likely respond, “I don’t know,” or list common beliefs regarding religion or politics. Most people have never examined the hidden beliefs that are driving their behavior. But if you use judging as a tool, you can immediately recognize where your beliefs lie. Whenever you get annoyed, uncomfortable, or upset when looking at someone else, these are the moments when you identify your beliefs. More importantly, when you’re looking inside and hear that inside voice—your inner critic, as it is commonly called—you are also uncovering your beliefs about yourself.
Those are the prime opportunities to stop for a minute and ask, “Why is that judgment coming up? What is happening that does not match the way I believe it should be?” Always follow up by asking yourself, “Do I still believe this?” and “Does this belief still serve me?” The magic of this is that you can decide to change your mind, delete the data, and get rid of beliefs that do not serve you in living your most passionate life.
Defining Worthiness
Let’s explore a worthiness definition. I employed Google, of course, to find a definition. Worthiness is the quality of being good enough. How much time have you spent chasing worthiness? Chasing the feeling of being good enough, smart enough, thin enough, or any of the hundreds of other types of enough we yearn for? Let me tell you, my love, no matter what you have done in your past, or what you will do in your future, just the way you are right now reading this page, you are enough. You, my love, are most definitely worth it!
Empty Worthiness Tank?
I did not discover my worthiness until