Thin Places. Lesley Choyce
Out of Place, Out of Time
I think I might have been about twelve
when
one of my imaginary friends
Garth
told me I didn’t belong here.
Wrong time
wrong place
was his way of explaining it.
Garth looked like a cartoon character
except he was real
well, he felt real
and talked real
(with a voice that sounded just like me)
but seemed much wiser than I was.
Declan
he told me
have you noticed you are different
from everyone else?
Yes
I said.
But there’s not much I can do about it.
That’s true
he said.
But I think someone or something
goofed
and you were supposed to be born
a long time ago
or a long time in the future.
Definitely not
here and now.
Which could explain why I never felt like
part of the crowd
like other kids.
Never felt
truly at ease at school
comfortable in groups
or even at home
in my own skin.
Save Me from Myself
Garth’s news scared me at first
because I knew
I would never fit in
and might never
be happy.
So I started trying to fit in
to be normal
have normal conversations
say things like
Hi, how are you?
and always got predictable answers
so instead I’d ask a kid at school
What is your favourite planet?
or
Where were you before you were born?
But
the harder I tried to fit in
the worse it got.
People looked at me
with scrunched-up faces.
The voices in my head got louder
angrier.
Garth said
You can’t deny who you are.
I said
But I don’t know who I am.
And I had an image of myself
unzipping the body I was in
and travelling someplace else.
A war began inside me
between the me who wanted to be normal
and the me who wanted to leave
and go somewhere else.
One day I screamed it out
in the middle of that tangled forest
Please!
I shouted.
Someone save me!
But no one did.
There was only one voice.
The voice was me
saying I was doomed
to live in a world
where I did not belong.
That Was Then
It’s a weird thing.
You find yourself
to be sixteen years old
and the voice in your head
changes.
It’s not your voice
anymore.
(Where did my voice go?)
(What the hell is happening to me?)
It’s the voice of
a girl.
Yes, a girl.
Her voice is beautiful
and she’s talking to me.
Yes
talking directly to me.
It went like this:
I was walking home from school
not thinking
about much of anything.
My mind was empty.
Relaxed.
This was a totally new thing
for me.
I was always agitated
about something.
Now this extremely weird
calm.
And then
boom. I hear her.
Declan
she says.
Declan.
I’m sorry to
barge in like this.
It didn’t seem like a voice inside.
I was sure it was someone talking.
I looked around but there were only cars and trees
and a cat
but I was sure it was not the cat
talking.
It will take a while
to explain myself
she said.
She had a soft and kind voice.
A most wonderful accent
and some kind of funny, beautiful
way of speaking.
Who are you?
I asked.
Rebecca
she said.
How do you know my name?
Well, I’m inside your head, aren’t I?
Are you real?
Yes, very real.
Then let me see you.
Close your eyes.
I closed them.
Can you see me?
Holy