Men on Strike. Helen Smith
For example, I found some research done by researchers at Rutgers University that looked like a decent study on why men don’t get married, until I looked a little closer. Sixty “not-yet-married” men were interviewed in northern New Jersey, Chicago, Washington, D.C., and Houston. The men were ages twenty-five to thirty-three, and none of them was gay. The researchers found that the top three reasons that men did not marry was “they can get sex without marriage more easily than in times past,” “they can enjoy the benefits of having a wife by cohabiting rather than marrying,” and “they want to avoid divorce and its financial risks.”23
The interpretation? Men don’t need to get married to get what they want these days—mainly sex. But dig a little deeper and you find this statement in the article: “Men see marriage as a final step in a prolonged process of growing up.” One of the Rutgers’ researchers, David Popenoe, in a New York Times piece on marriage, says “men do not marry because they do not want to. As unwilling to commit as ever, men have been let off the hook by more permissive social mores that have made it acceptable to live together and raise children out of wedlock.”24
Yes, perhaps men do feel less pressure to marry, which is a good thing in many ways. But rather than “let off the hook by permissive social mores,”25 the real reason many rational men do not marry is that the incentives have changed and growing up is no longer a reward but a punishment for men—so why do it? More readily available sex may be the by-product of not having to grow up, but to grow up to possibly not get sex, to lose your dignity, your rights, your kids, and possibly your financial freedom and to be hurt is hardly worth the chance for some, and can be suicidal for others. Instead of spending our time trying to figure out how to get men to commit to marriage in its current state, we should be asking more questions like how can we make marriage more appealing to young men so that they want to get married? And why have so many men gone on a marriage strike?
Why not talk to some normal, everyday guys and the people who work with them to shed light on these questions? First, we must understand what normal, everyday guys in their natural habitats think of marriage and do so without the preconceived notion that they are losers who are failing to launch if they won’t satisfy a woman’s every whim. What a novel idea! “Where are these odd birds?” I wondered. Since many men seem to go underground these days, I decided to check around to see if I could find some of the haunts that these guys frequent. I figured that guys like technology, so a good place to start would be on the Internet and in the gaming world of guys who like video games. One good thing about the Internet: People are more likely to say in cyberspace what they will not say to your face. After all, studies consistently show that people tend to reveal more personal and potentially embarrassing information in a computer-administered interview than a face-to-face interaction.26
WHAT MEN ON THE INTERNET ARE SAYING ABOUT MARRIAGE
It is said that men can’t handle intimacy. That’s not it at all. It is sadness that men can’t handle and they fear that intimacy will take them there.
—Jack at Dr. Helen blog27
Since I have a men’s rights blog, I looked back at some posts on marriage where I had asked men if they wanted to marry and, if not, why? I initially made the mistake of suggesting that men who didn’t marry were missing out.28 My readers set me straight about the ramifications of being married in a society that puts women’s legal and psychological needs first and men’s needs last or not at all. First off, let me say that I am a libertarian and do not believe much in the state being involved in marriage in the first place. I think people should have the right to decide for themselves the rules of their marriages and should do so with private contracts. However, since the state is involved and I don’t make the rules, let’s deal with the real world.
I followed up the marriage blog post with an article for PJ Media that asked men if they should marry, and hundreds of readers contributed their experiences; many did so anonymously.29 There was a lot of anger and sadness in the responses and typically, you know what that means to the politically correct or even the white-knight crowd: Men who complain are either wimps or misogynists or both. In reality, they are usually neither. Plenty of feminists are angry or sad, after all, but those emotions are just seen as lending authenticity to their complaints. The men who responded to the question I posed had legitimate legal and psychological concerns. Some of the commenters felt that marriage was too much of a risk for men and had been warned by other men not to make a mistake. Here is one example from an anonymous commenter:
Problem is, at least 7 out of 10 guys I talk to tell me that it is one of the worst mistakes that they ever made. Some tell me not to marry American women, that they are all feminist at heart. One married guy told me that I could get the same effect by selling my house, giving all my money away and having someone castrate me. This is really starting to unnerve me and the more I learn about the legal bias against men, I’m beginning to back off of marriage. I love my girlfriend, but all of these guys say their girlfriends changed once they married and begin to dominate and control. I am starting to think marriage in America cannot be saved.30
Still others, such as the following commenter, have made commitments to marriage but found out they were on the short end of the stick from both the women and the law once they were in the middle of a divorce:
I met a woman that I was sure was my soul mate. I was deeply in love and so, I thought, was she. All this changed when I lost my high paying job through downsizing. To my credit, I went to work immediately and had two jobs, but still only made about 80% of my old income. My wife gave me a year and then began sleeping with a man, who hadn’t lost his job, in my bed while I was at work. She left with him, taking almost all of my savings and anything else she could carry. Her explanation was that she was “an expensive bitch” and she was unhappy because I worked so much. The adultery doesn’t seem to matter to the court and she got essentially everything. Besides the financial losses, I was so devastated by the betrayal that I could barely function for months. She treated me like garbage and I never worked harder at any endeavor in my life.31
Another commenter by the name of “confused” stated:
. . . the problem is that marriage is quite explicitly NOT a contract in our modern society. Instead, it’s a collection of whatever the judiciary/legislature decides it is today.32
Psychologically astute commenter Jack weighed in with:
It is said that men can’t handle intimacy. That’s not it at all. It is sadness that men can’t handle and they fear that intimacy will take them there.33
Barry states:
Personally I hate the idea that a woman can stop anything and everything I care about doing just by making my life a living hell until I concede to her demands. I must hold my tongue, hold my temper and “be the man there” while the spouse screams invectives and shouts how I should stop riding my bike, horse etc. if I loved her! And let’s not even go to the “I want you to stop riding the bike, horses etc. because YOU WANT TO,” not because I am bitching you off of the bike, horse etc. You name the hobby and the only recourse is divorce where the state takes all my toys and gives them to her. Yes, marriage ain’t what it used to be.34
Though some will dismiss these men’s voices as bitter rants on the Internet, in hearing the more angry or frustrated views of those who speak out, we can understand better what many other men secretly think but won’t say. In doing so, we can learn what truly needs to be changed for men to feel that marriage is a more rewarding experience. Next, let’s turn to what guys who like video games think of women and marriage.
WHAT GAMERS ARE SAYING ABOUT MARRIAGE
A lot of the guys who opt out aren’t particularly angry at women, they just don’t see much point to pursuing involvement with them.
—Vox Day, game designer and blogger at Alpha Game blog
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