The Chekhov Collection: Novellas, Short Stories, Plays, Letters & Diary. Anton Chekhov
eight of diamonds ——
LEBEDIEFF. [Puts his fingers into his ears] Stop, for heaven’s sake, stop!
AVDOTIA. [Yelling] I said no-trumps, and not he!
KOSICH. [Furiously] I’ll be damned if I ever sit down to another game of cards with that old cat!
He rushes into the garden. The SECOND GUEST follows him. GEORGE is left alone at the table.
AVDOTIA. Whew! He makes my blood boil! Old cat, indeed! You’re an old cat yourself!
MARTHA. How angry you are, aunty!
AVDOTIA. [Sees MARTHA and claps her hands] Are you here, my darling? My beauty! And was I blind as a bat, and didn’t see you? Darling child! [She kisses her and sits down beside her] How happy this makes me! Let me feast my eyes on you, my milk-white swan! Oh, oh, you have bewitched me!
LEBEDIEFF. Why don’t you find her a husband instead of singing her praises?
AVDOTIA. He shall be found. I shall not go to my grave before I have found a husband for her, and one for Sasha too. I shall not go to my grave — [She sighs] But where to find these husbands nowadays? There sit some possible bridegrooms now, huddled together like a lot of half-drowned rats!
THIRD GUEST. A most unfortunate comparison! It is my belief, ladies, that if the young men of our day prefer to remain single, the fault lies not with them, but with the existing, social conditions!
LEBEDIEFF. Come, enough of that! Don’t give us any mo re philosophy; I don’t like it!
Enter SASHA. She goes up to her father.
SASHA. How can you endure the stuffy air of this room when the weather is so beautiful?
ZINAIDA. My dear Sasha, don’t you see that Martha is here?
SASHA. I beg your pardon.
[She goes up to MARTHA and shakes hands.]
MARTHA. Yes, here I am, my dear little Sasha, and proud to congratulate you. [They kiss each other] Many happy returns of the day, dear!
SASHA. Thank you! [She goes and sits down by her father.]
LEBEDIEFF. As you were saying, Avdotia Nazarovna, husbands are hard to find. I don’t want to be rude, but I must say that the young men of the present are a dull and poky lot, poor fellows! They can’t dance or talk or drink as they should do.
AVDOTIA. Oh, as far as drinking goes, they are all experts. Just give them — give them ——
LEBEDIEFF. Simply to drink is no art. A horse can drink. No, it must be done in the right way. In my young days we used to sit and cudgel our brains all day over our lessons, but as soon as evening came we would fly off on some spree and keep it up till dawn. How we used to dance and flirt, and drink, too! Or sometimes we would sit and chatter and discuss everything under the sun until we almost wagged our tongues off. But now — [He waves his hand] Boys are a puzzle to me. They are not willing either to give a candle to God or a pitchfork to the devil! There is only one young fellow in the country who is worth a penny, and he is married. [Sighs] They say, too, that he is going crazy.
MARTHA. Who is he?
LEBEDIEFF. Nicholas Ivanoff.
MARTHA. Yes, he is a fine fellow, only [Makes a face] he is very unhappy.
ZINAIDA. How could he be otherwise, poor boy! [She sighs] He made such a bad mistake. When he married that Jewess of his he thought of course that her parents would give away whole mountains of gold with her, but, on the contrary, on the day she became a Christian they disowned her, and Ivanoff has never seen a penny of the money. He has repented of his folly now, but it is too late.
SASHA. Mother, that is not true!
MARTHA. How can you say it is not true, Sasha, when we all know it to be a fact? Why did he have to marry a Jewess? He must have had some reason for doing it. Are Russian girls so scarce? No, he made a mistake, poor fellow, a sad mistake. [Excitedly] And what on earth can he do with her now? Where could she go if he were to come home some day and say: “Your parents have deceived me; leave my house at once!” Her parents wouldn’t take her back. She might find a place as a housemaid if she had ever learned to work, which she hasn’t. He worries and worries her now, but the Count interferes. If it had not been for the Count, he would have worried her to death long ago.
AVDOTIA. They say he shuts her up in a cellar and stuffs her with garlic, and she eats and eats until her very soul reeks of it. [Laughter.]
SASHA. But, father, you know that isn’t true!
LEBEDIEFF. What if it isn’t, Sasha? Let them spin yarns if it amuses them. [He calls] Gabriel!
GABRIEL brings him another glass of vodka and a glass of water.
ZINAIDA. His misfortunes have almost ruined him, poor man. His affairs are in a frightful condition. If Borkin did not take such good charge of his estate he and his Jewess would soon be starving to death. [She sighs] And what anxiety he has caused us! Heaven only knows how we have suffered. Do you realise, my dear, that for three years he has owed us nine thousand roubles?
MARTHA. [Horrified] Nine thousand!
ZINAIDA. Yes, that is the sum that my dear Paul has undertaken to lend him. He never knows to whom it is safe to lend money and to whom it is not. I don’t worry about the principal, but he ought to pay the interest on his debt.
SASHA. [Hotly] Mamma, you have already discussed this subject at least a thousand times!
ZINAIDA. What difference does it make to you? Why should you interfere?
SASHA. What is this mania you all have for gossiping about a man who has never done any of you any harm? Tell me, what harm has he done you?
THIRD GUEST. Let me say two words, Miss Sasha. I esteem Ivanoff, and have always found him an honourable man, but, between ourselves, I also consider him an adventurer.
SASHA. I congratulate you on your opinion!
THIRD GUEST. In proof of its truth, permit me to present to you the following facts, as they were communicated to me by his secretary, or shall I say rather, by his factotum, Borkin. Two years ago, at the time of the cattle plague, he bought some cattle and had them insured —
ZINAIDA. Yes, I remember hearing’ of that.
THIRD GUEST. He had them insured, as you understand, and then inoculated them with the disease and claimed the insurance.
SASHA. Oh, what nonsense, nonsense, nonsense! No one bought or inoculated any cattle! The story was invented by Borkin, who then went about boasting of his clever plan. Ivanoff would not forgive Borkin for two weeks after he heard of it. He is only guilty of a weak character and too great faith in humanity. He can’t make up his mind to get rid of that Borkin, and so all his possessions have been tricked and stolen from him. Every one who has had anything to do with Ivanoff has taken advantage of his generosity to grow rich.
LEBEDIEFF. Sasha, you little firebrand, that will do!
SASHA. Why do you all talk like this? This eternal subject of Ivanoff, Ivanoff, and always Ivanoff has grown insufferable, and yet you never speak of anything else. [She goes toward the door, then stops and comes back] I am surprised, [To the young men] and utterly astonished at your patience, young men! How can you sit there like that? Aren’t you bored? Why, the very air is as dull as ditchwater! Do, for heaven’s sake say something; try to amuse the girls a little, move about! Or if you can’t talk of anything except Ivanoff, you might laugh or sing or dance ——
LEBEDIEFF. [Laughing] That’s right, Sasha! Give them a good scolding.
SASHA. Look here, will you do me a favour? If you refuse to dance or sing or laugh, if all that is tedious, then let me beg you, implore you, to summon all your powers, if only for this once, and make one witty or clever remark. Let it be as impertinent and malicious as you like, so long as it is funny and original. Won’t you perform this miracle, just once, to surprise us and make us laugh? Or else you