The Collected Works of Anton Chekhov. Anton Chekhov
My whole body’s inflamed. Shivering, fever, coughing; I’ve got rheumatism in my legs, things keep coming in front of my eyes. (Sits down.) Our old joker, this brute, this managing director, is going to read the report to-day at the general meeting: “Our bank at the present moment and in time to come” — you’d think he was Gambetta. (Writes.) Two, one, one, six, nought, seven, add six, nought, one, six — He wants to throw dust in their eyes; so I’ve got to sit here and work for him like a nigger. He just puts the poetry into the report; but I must tap away on the counting machine all day long, hell take him. (Taps the machine.) I can’t stand it. (Writes.) One to carry, three, seven, two, one, nought. He promised to pay me for my trouble. If everything goes off well to-day and he takes in the public, he’s promised me a gold pendant and three hundred roubles. We’ll see. (Writes.) Well, and if all my trouble goes for nothing, well, my friend, I’m sorry — I’m a passionate man! Yes, my friend, in a fit of temper I can even commit a crime. Yes! (Off, noise and applause. Shipuchin’s voice, “Thank you! Thank you! I am moved!” Enter Shipuchin, middle-aged, in a frock-coat and white tie, with a monocle. He carries an album which has just been presented to him. All the while he is on the stage, employees bring him papers to sign.)
Shipuchin (standing at the door): This gift of yours, dear colleagues, I shall preserve to my death, as a remembrance of the happiest days of my life! Yes, my dear, dear sirs! Once again I thank you. (Throws them a kiss, and goes up to Hirin.) My dear fellow, my esteemed Hirin!
Hirin (rising): I have the honour to congratulate you, Mr. Shipuchin, on your fifteenth year at the head of the bank and I hope that ——
Shipuchin (squeezing his hand): Thank you, my dear fellow. Thank you! This notable day, this jubilee — Very, very glad! Thank you for your services, for everything; for everything I thank you. If, while I have had the honour to be managing director of this bank, if anything useful has been done, then I am indebted for it before all else to my colleagues. (Sighs.) Yes, my dear fellow, fifteen years! Fifteen years, or I’m not Shipuchin! (Briskly.) Well, what about my report? Is it coming along?
Hirin: Yes. There are about five pages left.
Shipuchin: Excellent. That means, it will be ready at three?
Hirin: If nobody disturbs me, it’ll be finished. There’s just rubbish left.
Shipuchin: Magnificent. Magnificent, or I’m not Shipuchin! The general meeting will be at four. Please, dear old chap; give me the first half, and I’ll study it. Give it me quick. (Takes the report.) I base gigantic hopes on this report. It’s my “profession de foi,” or, to put it better, my firework — my firework, or I’m not Shipuchin! (Sits down and reads the report to himself.) But I’m devilish tired. Last night I had an attack of gout, all the morning I’ve been busy with little affairs and running about, then these commotions and ovations and agitations — I’m tired.
Hirin: Two, nought, nought, three, nine, two, nought — It’s all green before my eyes with figures. Three, one, six, four, one, five. (Taps the machine.)
Shipuchin: And another bother — This morning your wife called on me and complained about you again. She said, last night you ran after her and your sister-in-law with a knife. What does that look like, Hirin? Come, come!
Hirin (roughly): I take the liberty, Mr. Shipuchin, on the occasion of the jubilee, to make a request to you. I beg you, if only out of consideration for my working like a nigger, not to interfere with my family life. Please don’t!
Shipuchin (sighs): You’ve got an impossible character, Hirin. You’re an excellent fellow and respectable, but when it comes to women you behave like Jack the Ripper. Really, I can’t understand why you dislike them so!
Hirin: And I can’t understand why you like them so. (Pause.)
Shipuchin: The employees have just presented me with an album and the managers, so I hear, want to present me with an address and a silver bowl. (Plays with his monocle.) Good, or I’m not Shipuchin! That’s not without its use. For the reputation of the bank, some pomp is necessary, damn it all. You’re a good fellow; after all, you know all about it. I wrote the address myself and bought the silver bowl as well. The binding for the address cost a lot, but it wouldn’t do without it. By themselves they wouldn’t have been good for anything. (Looks round.) What an establishment! What an establishment! They may say I am trivial, because I want the brass on the doors polished and the people on my staff to wear fashionable ties and a fat porter to stand at the door. Not at all, gentlemen. The brass on the doors and the fat porter are not trifles. At my own home I can be an ordinary person, eat and sleep like a pig, and drink and drink ——
Hirin: No allusions, if you please!
Shipuchin: Oh, nobody’s making allusions. What an impossible character you’ve got! This is what I’m saying — at home I can be an ordinary person, a parvenu, a slave to habits, but here everything must be “en grand!” This is the bank! Here every detail must, so to speak, be imposing and have a dignified appearance. (Picks up a piece of paper and throws it in the grate.) It is my particular pride that I have raised high the reputation of the bank. It’s a big thing, tone, a big thing, or I’m not Shipuchin! (Looks at Hirin.) My dear fellow, at any moment the deputation of the managers may arrive, and you’re in felt slippers, in that scarf, in that wild-coloured jacket; you might have put on a frock-coat, well, anyhow, a black coat ——
Hirin: My health is more to me than your bank-managers. My whole body’s inflamed.
Shipuchin (disturbed) : But agree with me that it’s untidy! You spoil the ensemble.
Hirin: When the deputation comes, I can hide — that’s not a great misfortune. (Writes.) Seven, one, seven, two, one, five, nought. I too don’t like untidiness. Seven, two, nine. (Taps the machine.) I can’t bear untidiness! You’d have done well to-day not to invite ladies to the jubilee dinner.
Shipuchin: What nonsense!
Hirin: I know you are letting them in to-day so as to be elegant. But, you see, they’ll spoil everything for you. From them comes all untidiness.
Shipuchin: On the contrary, women’s society elevates.
Hirin: Yes! Now, you’d call your wife an educated woman; and last Monday she said a thing that made me gasp for a couple of days. Suddenly she asked me before strangers, “Is it true that at our bank my husband bought those shares in the Drage-Prage bank which dropped on the Exchange? Oh, my husband is so uneasy!” And that before strangers! And why you’re so open with them, I can’t understand. Do you want them to lead you into the courts?
Shipuchin: All right, enough, enough. This is all too gloomy for a jubilee. But you do well to remind me. (Looks at his watch.) My wife should be here immediately. In the ordinary way I should have driven to the station to meet the poor girl, but there’s not time and — and I’m tired. To tell the truth, I’m not glad she’s coming. I’m glad, but it would have been better for me if she had stayed just another two days with her mother. She wants me to spend the whole evening with her to-day, and all the time there’s a little excursion arranged for after dinner. (Shudders.) That nervous shivering’s starting already. My nerves are so strained that I think the slightest little thing would start me crying. No, I must be strong; or I’m not Shipuchin! (Enter Tatiana Shipuchin, twenty-five years old, in a waterproof, carrying an expensive bag.)
Shipuchin: Bah! Talk of the devil!
Tatiana: Darling! (Runs to her husband. A long kiss.)
Shipuchin: Why, we were just talking about you. (Looks at his watch.)
Tatiana (breathlessly): Lonely? Quite well? I haven’t been home yet — came straight here from the station. I must tell you, lots and lots — I can’t keep it — I won’t take off my waterproof — I shall only be a minute. (To Hirin.) Good morning, Mr. Hirin. (To Shipuchin.) Everything all right at home?