Windows of Opportunities. Heinrich Psscht
A robot!
– But, sir, it’s politically incorrect to call anthropomorphic servitors robots…
– Liza, go to the cargo hold and perform the first category maintenance there! Hans, What The Femme! Do we really need problems with an anthropomorphic broad on board?
– Sorry sir, she looks so much like my girlfriend…
– Hans, at your age, everyone looks like your girlfriend, everyone who moves… When she’s finished cleaning, I’ll send her off for an upgrade to a second-class servitor with the best recommendations. May she serve somewhere far away from here…
– Should I help her in the cargo hold, sir?
– What for? With her coefficients of utility and efficiency, you would only interfere with her! There is more important work for you!
– What work, sir?
– Recalculate the fuel report!
– Sir, so we won’t have an intern anymore?
– Nope! Unless they’ve designed a crocomorphic servitor specially for you, but I doubt it…
Air
– Hans, we seem to be losing air! I can’t breathe!
– I’m doing the airing, sir!
– You’re out of your mind, Hans! We are in another galaxy! How can you do the airing in an airless space?
– Well, I’m bleeding the air out, sir. After a while, the air cylinders will open, and the pressure will be restored!
– But why are you doing this?
– Stinking beetles, sir! I don’t understand where they came from! Especially as we are in another galaxy as you rightly say!
– These stinkers are from our galaxy, that is, they bear the smell of our homeland, like it or not, Hans!
– Yes, sir, but how? How did they get here?
– You don’t need to know, Hans!
– Serving the System, sir!
– Carry on, Hans!
Buoy
– Hans, what are you doing there? What’s on your screen?
– Corresponding with my girlfriend, sir!
– Hans, you’re out of your mind! We are in another galaxy! The signal will be traveling from here for a million years!
– I’m using hyperspace, sir.
– And how? We did not enter hyperspace! Well, come on, tell me how are you doing that? That’s an order!
– With a rescue buoy, sir.
– You sent a rescue buoy into hyperspace as a repeater?
– Yes, sir.
– But where did you learn this, this is not in the manual!
– At the Academy, sir. In a practical lesson. Everyone was laughing then, sir. It is so simple!
– Do you know why you can’t use a life buoy for this?
– No sir…
– You see, you don’t know, but you still use it!
– But we have two, sir…
– There were two, Hans, but not anymore!
– And where did the second go, sir?
– You don’t need to know that, Hans! But what you need to do is to order a new buoy! Have it teleported during the next session! The lifeboat buoy on the ship is an important safety feature, Hans.
– Yes, sir! Should I write that the old one broke, sir?
– In no case! Buoys don’t break! This will be the first time in buoy history. We do not need that kind of fame!
– Then what should be indicated as the reason why we need a new one?
– The truth, Hans, the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth…
– Should I write that the buoy was lost in hyperspace, sir?
– Yep! During the flight safety training that I successfully conducted and which you completed with honors! It was carried away by a meteorite! Or a Russian Sputnik wandering in space in a search of vodka! Whichever you prefer… On second thought, do not write about vodka yet!
– Yes, sir! Serving the System, sir!
– And I congratulate you on that!
Others
– Permission to ask, Sir?
– What have you got, Hans?
– Have you ever been to other planets?
– Of course, Hans!
– In our System?
– What do you mean in our System? There is only one System, and there will never be another one! Have you forgotten the Anthem?
– No, sir, but there are planets so far away, to which the light travels millions of years…
– All planets and all stars in the System belong to the System! There is only one, and there will be no other one!
– But there may be some dissenting, I mean, underdeveloped planets, sir, who do not know about the System…
– Everyone and everything belong to the System and everything is the System, whether they know or don’t know, whether they want or don’t want! Who cares what they know or want? Damn whims! Today they do want, tomorrow they do not want, the day after tomorrow they will have a new bawler leader and they will start pumping rights!
– But it may happen, sir!
– Certainly, it may, Hans!
– They may be plotting something, sir, some mean conspiracy against the System…
– To surpass the System in deviousness, Hans? Are you out of your mind?
– And what about the Russians, sir?
– What Russians?
– Are they also part of the System?
– Of course, Hans! It’s Russian part.
– But their trickery is incomparable, sir!
– Exactly, Hans, it’s unrivaled through and through! With nothing!
– But if they are so shrewd, sir, they might be craftier than the System?
– As part of the System, they cannot transcend the System, Hans. What nonsense do they teach you in academies! Refresh the Hymn in your memory, there are answers to all questions in it, and report back in 20 minutes!
– Yes, sir!
Exoplanet
– Sir, we are approaching some planet, the information on the screen gives the probability of life on this planet over 86%.
– So what?
– I mean… Maybe we can fly in and see, sir?
– What’s the idea?
– Well, there may be interesting species of animals or plants…
– As well as dangerous viruses that cause incurable diseases, Hans!
– Yes, sir, but there may be a human civilization!
– Here you are again! For all civilizations, history develops in the same way: first fratricide, then prostitution, slavery, human sacrifice, the invention of the wheel, writing, gunpowder,