60 Plays: The George Bernard Shaw Edition (Illustrated). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
in the happiness of (kissing her hand) my dear Julia (kissing the other), my beautiful Julia. (She tears her hands away and raises them as if to strike him, as she did the night before at Cuthbertson’s.) No use to threaten me now: I am not afraid of those hands — the loveliest hands in the world.
JULIA. How have you the face to turn round like this after insulting and torturing me!
CHARTERIS. Never mind, dearest: you never did understand me; and you never will. Our vivisecting friend has made a successful experiment at last.
JULIA (earnestly). It is you who are the vivisector — a far crueller, more wanton vivisector than he.
CHARTERIS. Yes; but then I learn so much more from my experiments than he does! And the victims learn as much as I do. That’s where my moral superiority comes in.
JULIA (sitting down again on the couch with rueful humour). Well, you shall not experiment on me any more. Go to your Grace if you want a victim. She’ll be a tough one.
CHARTERIS (reproachfully sitting down beside her). And you drove me to propose to her to escape from you! Suppose she had accepted me, where should I be now?
JULIA. Where I am, I suppose, now that I have accepted Paramore.
CHARTERIS. But I should have made Grace unhappy. (Julia sneers). However, now I come to think of it, you’ll make Paramore unhappy. And yet if you refused him he would be in despair. Poor devil!
JULIA (her temper flashing up for a moment again). He is a better man than you.
CHARTERIS (humbly). I grant you that, my dear.
JULIA (impetuously). Don’t call me your dear. And what do you mean by saying that I shall make him unhappy? Am I not good enough for him?
CHARTERIS (dubiously). Well, that depends on what you mean by good enough.
JULIA (earnestly). You might have made me good if you had chosen to. You had a great power over me. I was like a child in your hands; and you knew it.
CHARTERIS (with comic acquiescence). Yes, my dear. That means that whenever you got jealous and flew into a violent rage, I could always depend on it’s ending happily if I only waited long enough, and petted you very hard all the time. When you had had your fling, and called the object of your jealousy every name you could lay your tongue to, and abused me to your heart’s content for a couple of hours, then the reaction would come; and you would at last subside into a soothing rapture of affection which gave you a sensation of being angelically good and forgiving. Oh, I know that sort of goodness! You may have thought on these occasions that I was bringing out your latent amiability; but I thought you were bringing out mine, and using up rather more than your fair share of it.
JULIA. According to you, then, I have no good in me! I am an utterly vile, worthless woman. Is that it?
CHARTERIS. Yes, if you are to be judged as you judge others. From the conventional point of view, there’s nothing to be said for you, Julia — nothing. That’s why I have to find some other point of view to save my selfrespect when I remember how I have loved you. Oh, what I have learnt from you! — from you, who could learn nothing from me! I made a fool of you; and you brought me wisdom: I broke your heart; and you brought me joy: I made you curse your womanhood; and you revealed my manhood to me. Blessings forever and ever on my Julia’s name! (With genuine emotion, he takes her hand to kiss it again.)
JULIA (snatching her hand away in disgust). Oh, stop talking that nasty sneering stuff.
CHARTERIS (laughingly appealing to the heavens). She calls it nasty sneering stuff! Well, well: I’ll never talk like that to you again, dearest. It only means that you are a beautiful woman, and that we all love you.
JULIA. Don’t say that: I hate it. It sounds as if I were a mere animal.
CHARTERIS. Hm! A fine animal is a very wonderful thing. Don’t let us disparage animals, Julia.
JULIA. That is what you really think me.
CHARTERIS. Come, Julia: you don’t expect me to admire you for your moral qualities, do you? (She turns and looks hard at him. He starts up apprehensively and backs away from her. She rises and follows him up slowly and intently.)
JULIA (deliberately). I have seen you very much infatuated with this depraved creature who has no moral qualities.
CHARTERIS (retreating). Keep off, Julia. Remember your new obligations to Paramore.
JULIA (overtaking him in the middle of the room). Never mind Paramore: that is my business. (She grasps the lappels of his coat in her hands, and looks fixedly at him.) Oh, if the people you talk so cleverly to could only know you as I know you! Sometimes I wonder at myself for ever caring for you.
CHARTERIS (beaming at her). Only sometimes?
JULIA. You fraud! You humbug! You miserable little plaster saint! (He looks delighted.) Oh! (In a paroxysm half of rage, half of tenderness, she shakes him, growling over him like a tigress over her cub. Paramore and Craven at this moment return from the consulting room, and are thunderstruck at the spectacle.)
CRAVEN (shouting, utterly scandalized). Julia!! (Julia releases Charteris, but stands her ground disdainfully as they come forward, Craven on her left, Paramore on her right.)
PARAMORE. What’s the matter?
CHARTERIS. Nothing, nothing. You’ll soon get used to this, Paramore.
CRAVEN. Now really, Julia, this is a very extraordinary way to behave. It’s not fair to Paramore.
JULIA (coldly). If Dr. Paramore objects he can break off our engagement. (To Paramore) Pray don’t hesitate.
PARAMORE (looking doubtfully and anxiously at her). Do you wish me to break it off?
CHARTERIS (alarmed). Nonsense! don’t act so hastily. It was my fault. I annoyed Miss Craven — insulted her. Hang it all, don’t go and spoil everything like this.
CRAVEN. This is most infernally perplexing. I can’t believe that you insulted Julia, Charteris. I’ve no doubt you annoyed her — you’d annoy anybody; upon my soul you would — but insult! — now what do you mean by that?
PARAMORE (very earnestly). Miss Craven; delicacy and sincerity I ask you to be frank with me. What are the relations between you and Charteris?
JULIA. Ask him. (She goes to the fireplace, her back on them.)
CHARTERIS. Certainly: I’ll confess. I’m in love with Miss Craven — always have been; and I’ve persecuted her with my addresses ever since I knew her. It’s been no use: she utterly despises me. A moment ago the spectacle of a rival’s happiness stung me to make a nasty, sneering speech; and she — well, she just shook me a little, as you saw.
PARAMORE (chivalrously). I shall never forget that you helped me to win her, Charteris. (Julia quickly, a spasm of fury in her face.)
CHARTERIS. Sh! For Heaven’s sake don’t mention it.
CRAVEN. This is a very different story to the one you told Cuthbertson and myself this morning. You’ll excuse my saying that it sounds much more like the the truth. Come: you were humbugging us, weren’t you?
CHARTERIS. Ask Julia. (Paramore and Craven turn to Julia. Charteris remains doggedly looking straight before him.)
JULIA. It’s quite true. He has been in love with me; he has persecuted me; and I utterly despise him.
GRAVEN. Don’t rub it in, Julia: it’s not kind. No man is quite himself when he’s crossed in love. (To Charteris.) Now listen to me, Charteris. When I was a young fellow, Cuthbertson and I fell in love with the same woman. She preferred Cuthbertson. I was taken aback: I won’t deny it. But I knew my duty; and I did it. I gave her up and wished Cuthbertson joy. He told me this morning, when we met after many years, that he has respected and liked me ever since for it. And I believe him and feel the better for it. (Impressively.) Now, Charteris, Paramore and you stand to-day where Cuthbertson and I stood on a certain July evening thirty-five years ago.