60 Plays: The George Bernard Shaw Edition (Illustrated). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
(encouragingly). General.
NAPOLEON. I cannot persuade this lady to give me much information; but there can be no doubt that the man who tricked you out of your charge was, as she admitted to you, her brother.
LIEUTENANT (triumphantly). What did I tell you, General! What did I tell you!
NAPOLEON. You must find that man. Your honor is at stake; and the fate of the campaign, the destiny of France, of Europe, of humanity, perhaps, may depend on the information those despatches contain.
LIEUTENANT. Yes, I suppose they really are rather serious (as if this had hardly occurred to him before).
NAPOLEON (energetically). They are so serious, sir, that if you do not recover them, you will be degraded in the presence of your regiment.
LIEUTENANT. Whew! The regiment won’t like that, I can tell you.
NAPOLEON. Personally, I am sorry for you. I would willingly conceal the affair if it were possible. But I shall be called to account for not acting on the despatches. I shall have to prove to all the world that I never received them, no matter what the consequences may be to you. I am sorry; but you see that I cannot help myself.
LIEUTENANT (goodnaturedly). Oh, don’t take it to heart, General: it’s really very good of you. Never mind what happens to me: I shall scrape through somehow; and we’ll beat the Austrians for you, despatches or no despatches. I hope you won’t insist on my starting off on a wild goose chase after the fellow now. I haven’t a notion where to look for him.
GIUSEPPE (deferentially). You forget, Lieutenant: he has your horse.
LIEUTENANT (starting). I forgot that. (Resolutely.) I’ll go after him, General: I’ll find that horse if it’s alive anywhere in Italy. And I shan’t forget the despatches: never fear. Giuseppe: go and saddle one of those mangy old posthorses of yours, while I get my cap and sword and things. Quick march. Off with you (bustling him).
GIUSEPPE. Instantly, Lieutenant, instantly. (He disappears in the vineyard, where the light is now reddening with the sunset.)
LIEUTENANT (looking about him on his way to the inner door). By the way, General, did I give you my sword or did I not? Oh, I remember now. (Fretfully.) It’s all that nonsense about putting a man under arrest: one never knows where to find — (Talks himself out of the room.)
LADY (still at the sideboard). What does all this mean, General?
NAPOLEON. He will not find your brother.
LADY. Of course not. There’s no such person.
NAPOLEON. The despatches will be irrecoverably lost.
LADY. Nonsense! They are inside your coat.
NAPOLEON. You will find it hard, I think, to prove that wild statement. (The Lady starts. He adds, with clinching emphasis) Those papers are lost.
LADY (anxiously, advancing to the corner of the table). And that unfortunate young man’s career will be sacrificed.
NAPOLEON. HIS career! The fellow is not worth the gunpowder it would cost to have him shot. (He turns contemptuously and goes to the hearth, where he stands with his back to her.)
LADY (wistfully). You are very hard. Men and women are nothing to you but things to be used, even if they are broken in the use.
NAPOLEON (turning on her). Which of us has broken this fellow — I or you? Who tricked him out of the despatches? Did you think of his career then?
LADY (naively concerned about him). Oh, I never thought of that. It was brutal of me; but I couldn’t help it, could I? How else could I have got the papers? (Supplicating.) General: you will save him from disgrace.
NAPOLEON (laughing sourly). Save him yourself, since you are so clever: it was you who ruined him. (With savage intensity.) I HATE a bad soldier.
He goes out determinedly through the vineyard. She follows him a few steps with an appealing gesture, but is interrupted by the return of the lieutenant, gloved and capped, with his sword on, ready for the road. He is crossing to the outer door when she intercepts him.
LADY. Lieutenant.
LIEUTENANT (importantly). You mustn’t delay me, you know. Duty, madame, duty.
LADY (imploringly). Oh, sir, what are you going to do to my poor brother?
LIEUTENANT. Are you very fond of him?
LADY. I should die if anything happened to him. You must spare him. (The lieutenant shakes his head gloomily.) Yes, yes: you must: you shall: he is not fit to die. Listen to me. If I tell you where to find him — if I undertake to place him in your hands a prisoner, to be delivered up by you to General Bonaparte — will you promise me on your honor as an officer and a gentleman not to fight with him or treat him unkindly in any way?
LIEUTENANT. But suppose he attacks me. He has my pistols.
LADY. He is too great a coward.
LIEUTENANT. I don’t feel so sure about that. He’s capable of anything.
LADY. If he attacks you, or resists you in any way, I release you from your promise.
LIEUTENANT. My promise! I didn’t mean to promise. Look here: you’re as bad as he is: you’ve taken an advantage of me through the better side of my nature. What about my horse?
LADY. It is part of the bargain that you are to have your horse and pistols back.
LIEUTENANT. Honor bright?
LADY. Honor bright. (She offers her hand.)
LIEUTENANT (taking it and holding it). All right: I’ll be as gentle as a lamb with him. His sister’s a very pretty woman. (He attempts to kiss her.)
LADY (slipping away from him). Oh, Lieutenant! You forget: your career is at stake — the destiny of Europe — of humanity.
LIEUTENANT. Oh, bother the destiny of humanity (Making for her.) Only a kiss.
LADY (retreating round the table). Not until you have regained your honor as an officer. Remember: you have not captured my brother yet.
LIEUTENANT (seductively). You’ll tell me where he is, won’t you?
LADY. I have only to send him a certain signal; and he will be here in quarter of an hour.
LIEUTENANT. He’s not far off, then.
LADY. No: quite close. Wait here for him: when he gets my message he will come here at once and surrender himself to you. You understand?
LIEUTENANT (intellectually overtaxed). Well, it’s a little complicated; but I daresay it will be all right.
LADY. And now, whilst you’re waiting, don’t you think you had better make terms with the General?
LIEUTENANT. Oh, look here, this is getting frightfully complicated. What terms?
LADY. Make him promise that if you catch my brother he will consider that you have cleared your character as a soldier. He will promise anything you ask on that condition.
LIEUTENANT. That’s not a bad idea. Thank you: I think I’ll try it.
LADY. Do. And mind, above all things, don’t let him see how clever you are.
LIEUTENANT. I understand. He’d be jealous.
LADY. Don’t tell him anything except that you are resolved to capture my brother or perish in the attempt. He won’t believe you. Then you will produce my brother —
LIEUTENANT (interrupting as he masters the plot). And have the laugh at him! I say: what a clever little woman you are! (Shouting.) Giuseppe!
LADY. Sh! Not a word to Giuseppe about me. (She puts her finger on her lips. He does the same. They look at one another warningly. Then, with a ravishing smile, she changes the gesture into wafting him a kiss, and runs out through the inner door. Electrified, he bursts into a volley of chuckles. Giuseppe comes