The Collected Works of Anton Chekhov: Plays, Novellas, Short Stories, Diary & Letters. Anton Chekhov
you are a funny chap. [He stops laughing] But how is this, gentlemen? Here we are talking Germany, Germany, and never a word about vodka! Repetatur! [He fills three glasses] Here’s to you all! [He drinks and eats] This herring is the best of all relishes.
SHABELSKI. No, no, these cucumbers are better; every wise man since the creation of the world has been trying to invent something better than a salted cucumber, and not one has succeeded. [To PETER] Peter, go and fetch some more cucumbers. And Peter, tell the cook to make four little onion pasties, and see that we get them hot.
PETER goes out.
LEBEDIEFF. Caviar is good with vodka, but it must be prepared with skill. Take a quarter of a pound of pressed caviar, two little onions, and a little olive oil; mix them together and put a slice of lemon on top — so! Lord! The very perfume would drive you crazy!
BORKIN. Roast snipe are good too, but they must be cooked right. They should first be cleaned, then sprinkled with bread crumbs, and roasted until they will crackle between the teeth — crunch, crunch!
SHABELSKI. We had something good at Martha’s yesterday: white mushrooms.
LEBEDIEFF. You don’t say so!
SHABELSKI. And they were especially well prepared, too, with onions and bay-leaves and spices, you know. When the dish was opened, the odour that floated out was simply intoxicating!
LEBEDIEFF. What do you say, gentlemen? Repetatur! [He drinks] Good health to you! [He looks at his watch] I must be going. I can’t wait for Nicholas. So you say Martha gave you mushrooms? We haven’t seen one at home. Will you please tell me, Count, what plot you are hatching that takes you to Martha’s so often?
SHABELSKI. [Nodding at BORKIN] He wants me to marry her.
LEBEDIEFF. Wants you to marry her! How old are you?
SHABELSKI. Sixty-two.
LEBEDIEFF. Really, you are just the age to marry, aren’t you? And Martha is just suited to you!
BORKIN. This is not a question of Martha, but of Martha’s money.
LEBEDIEFF. Aren’t you moonstruck, and don’t you want the moon too?
SHABELSKI. Borkin here is quite in earnest about it; the clever fellow is sure I shall obey orders, and marry Martha.
BORKIN. What do you mean? Aren’t you sure yourself?
SHABELSKI. Are you mad? I never was sure of anything. Bah!
BORKIN. Many thanks! I am much obliged to you for the information. So you are trying to fool me, are you? First you say you will marry Martha and then you say you won’t; the devil only knows which you really mean, but I have given her my word of honour that you will. So you have changed your mind, have you?
SHABELSKI. He is actually in earnest; what an extraordinary man!
BORKIN. [losing his temper] If that is how you feel about it, why have you turned an honest woman’s head? Her heart is set on your title, and she can neither eat nor sleep for thinking of it. How can you make a jest of such things? Do you think such behaviour is honourable?
SHABELSKI. [Snapping his fingers] Well, why not play her this shabby trick, after all? Eh? Just out of spite? I shall certainly do it, upon my word I shall! What a joke it will be!
Enter LVOFF.
LEBEDIEFF. We bow before you, Aesculapius! [He shakes hands with LVOFF and sings]
“Doctor, doctor, save, oh, save me,
I am scared to death of dying!”
LVOFF. Hasn’t Ivanoff come home yet?
LEBEDIEFF. Not yet. I have been waiting for him myself for over an hour.
LVOFF walks impatiently up and down.
LEBEDIEFF. How is Anna to-day?
LVOFF. Very ill.
LEBEDIEFF. [Sighing] May one go and pay one’s respects to her?
LVOFF. No, please don’t. She is asleep, I believe.
LEBEDIEFF. She is a lovely, charming woman. [Sighing] The day she fainted at our house, on Sasha’s birthday, I saw that she had not much longer to live, poor thing. Let me see, why did she faint? When I ran up, she was lying on the floor, ashy white, with Nicholas on his knees beside her, and Sasha was standing by them in tears. Sasha and I went about almost crazy for a week after that.
SHABELSKI. [To LVOFF] Tell me, most honoured disciple of science, what scholar discovered that the frequent visits of a young doctor were beneficial to ladies suffering from affections of the chest? It is a remarkable discovery, remarkable! Would you call such treatment Allopathic or Homeopathic?
LVOFF tries to answer, but makes an impatient gesture instead, and walks out of the room.
SHABELSKI. What a withering look he gave me!
LEBEDIEFF. Some fiend must prompt you to say such things! Why did you offend him?
SHABELSKI. [Angrily] Why does he tell such lies? Consumption! No hope! She is dying! It is nonsense, I can’t abide him!
LEBEDIEFF. What makes you think he is lying?
SHABELSKI. [Gets up and walks up and down] I can’t bear to think that a living person could die like that, suddenly, without any reason at all. Don’t let us talk about it!
KOSICH runs in panting.
KOSICH. Is Ivanoff at home? How do you do? [He shakes hands quickly all round] Is he at home?
BORKIN. No, he isn’t.
KOSICH. [Sits down and jumps up again] In that case I must say goodbye; I must be going. Business, you know. I am absolutely exhausted; run off my feet!
LEBEDIEFF. Where did you blow in from?
KOSICH. From Barabanoff’s. He and I have been playing cards all night; we have only just stopped. I have been absolutely fleeced; that Barabanoff is a demon at cards. [In a tearful voice] Just listen to this: I had a heart and he [He turns to BORKIN, who jumps away from him] led a diamond, and I led a heart, and he led another diamond. Well, he didn’t take the trick. [To LEBEDIEFF] We were playing three in clubs. I had the ace and queen, and the ace and ten of spades —
LEBEDIEFF. [Stopping up his ears] Spare me, for heaven’s sake, spare me!
KOSICH. [To SHABELSKI] Do you understand? I had the ace and queen of clubs, the ace and ten of spades.
SHABELSKI. [Pushes him away] Go away, I don’t want to listen to you!
KOSICH. When suddenly misfortune overtook me. My ace of spades took the first trick —
SHABELSKI. [Snatching up a revolver] Leave the room, or I shall shoot!
KOSICH. [Waving his hands] What does this mean? Is this the Australian bush, where no one has any interests in common? Where there is no public spirit, and each man lives for himself alone? However, I must be off. My time is precious. [He shakes hands with LEBEDIEFF] Pass!
General laughter. KOSICH goes out. In the doorway he runs into AVDOTIA.
AVDOTIA. [Shrieks] Bad luck to you, you nearly knocked me down.
ALL. Oh, she is always everywhere at once!
AVDOTIA. So this is where you all are? I have been looking for you all over the house. Good-day to you, boys!
[She shakes hands with everybody.]
LEBEDIEFF. What brings you here?
AVDOTIA. Business, my son. [To SHABELSKI] Business connected with your highness. She commanded me to bow. [She bows] And to inquire after your health. She told me to say, the little birdie, that if you did not come to see her this evening she would cry her eyes out. Take him aside, she said, and whisper in his ear. But why should I make a secret of her message? We are not stealing chickens, but arranging an affair of lawful love by mutual consent of both parties.