Leo Tolstoy: His Life and Work. Paul Birukoff
his fine, bronzed face, shaven, save for thick white whiskers down to the corners of the mouth and similarly white curly hair. I should like to relate much about this extraordinary, guilty, and attractive man!"
Here, unfortunately, these reminiscences stop short.
Let us conclude this chapter on the childhood of Tolstoy with the poetic memory in his published story.
"Happy, happy, irrevocable period of childhood! How can one help loving and cherishing its memories? These memories refresh and elevate my soul and serve me as a source of my best enjoyments. …
"After the prayer I rolled myself into my coverlet, and my heart felt light and cheerful. One dream chased another, but what were they about? They were intangible, but filled with pure love and hope for the bright happiness. I thought of Karl Ivanovich and his bitter fate, of the only man whom I knew to be unhappy, and I felt so sorry for him, and so loved him, that the tears gushed from my eyes, and I thought: God grant him happiness, and me an opportunity of helping him, and alleviating his sorrow; I was ready to sacrifice everything for him. Then I stuck my favorite china toy--a hare or a dog--into the corner of the down pillow, and I was happy seeing how comfortable and snug the toy was there. I also prayed the Lord that He would give happiness to everybody, and that all should be satisfied, and that tomorrow should be good weather for the outing, and then I turned on my other side, my thoughts and dreams became mixed and disturbed, and I fell softly, quietly asleep, my face wet with tears.
"Will that freshness, carelessness, need of love, and strength of faith, which one possesses in childhood, ever return? What time can be better than that when all the best virtues--innocent merriment and limitless need of love--are the only incitements in life?
"Where are all those ardent prayers, where is the best gift--those tears of contrition? The consoling angel came on his pinions, with a smile wiped off those tears, and fanned sweet dreams to the uncorrupted imagination of the child.
"Is it possible life has left such heavy traces in my heart that these tears and that ecstasy have forever gone from me? Is it possible, nothing but memories are left?"
Footnotes
1 ↑ N. P. Zagoskin, "Count L.N. Tolstoy and his Student Years." Historic Review, Jan. 1894, p. 87.
2 ↑ The governess; see concerning her further on in the following chapter.
3 ↑ First Reminiscences (from unpublished autobiographical sketches). Tolstoy's Complete Works, tenth Russian edition, vol. xiii, p. 515.
4 ↑ "Toinette, oh! she was charming!"
5 ↑ "16th August 1836.--Nicholas has today made me a strange proposal - that I should marry him, be a mother to his children, and never desert them. I refused the first proposal, I have promised to fulfill the other as long as I live."
6 ↑ From Tolstoy's rough Memories and uncorrected notes intrusted to me.
7 ↑ The leader of a widespread and bloody rebellion in the reign of Catherine II.
8 ↑ From Tolstoy's draft Reminiscences.
9 ↑ Sixth of January.
10 ↑ Instead of the singular "thou," as is usual in Russian between near relatives or friends.
11 ↑ The word for ant in Russian is "muravey," whence the similarity.
12 ↑ From Tolstoy's draft Reminiscences.
13 ↑ From Tolstoy's draft Reminiscences.
14 ↑ In Russia, in the days of serfdom, the enlisting of a serf into the ranks for the fifteen years was regarded as the severest punishment short of flogging him to death.
15 ↑ This estate of 900 acres which we received by inheritance was sold for the purpose of feeding the starving during the great famine of 1840.
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