The Collected Plays of George Bernard Shaw - 60 Titles in One Edition (Illustrated Edition). GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
on her family. If she had any sense of danger, perhaps she would keep out of it.
BRASSBOUND. Well, sir, if she were ten Lady Cicelys, she must consult me while she is here.
DRINKWATER. Thet’s rawt, kepn. Let’s eah you steblish yr hawthority. (Brassbound turns impatiently on him: He retreats remonstrating) Nah, nah, nah!
SIR HOWARD. If you feel at all nervous, Captain Brassbound, I will mention the matter with pleasure.
BRASSBOUND. Nervous, sir! no. Nervousness is not in my line. You will find me perfectly capable of saying what I want to say — with considerable emphasis, if necessary. (Sir Howard assents with a polite but incredulous nod.)
DRINKWATER. Eah, eah!
Lady Cicely returns with Johnson and Redbrook. She carries a jar.
LADY CICELY (stopping between the door and the arch). Now for the water. Where is it?
REDBROOK. There’s a well in the courtyard. I’ll come and work the bucket.
LADY CICELY. So good of you, Mr. Redbrook. (She makes for the horseshoe arch, followed by Redbrook.)
DRINKWATER. Nah, Kepn Brassbound: you got sathink to sy to the lidy, ynt yr?
LADY CICELY (stopping). I’ll come back to hear it presently, Captain. And oh, while I remember it (coming forward between Brassbound and Drinkwater), do please tell me Captain, if I interfere with your arrangements in any way. It I disturb you the least bit in the world, stop me at once. You have all the responsibility; and your comfort and your authority must be the first thing. You’ll tell me, won’t you?
BRASSBOUND (awkwardly, quite beaten). Pray do as you please, madam.
LADY CICELY. Thank you. That’s so like you, Captain. Thank you. Now, Mr. Redbrook! Show me the way to the well. (She follows Redbrook out through the arch.)
DRINKWATER. Yah! Yah! Shime! Beat baw a woman!
JOHNSON (coming forward on Brassbound’s right). What’s wrong now?
DRINKWATER (with an air of disappointment and disillusion). Down’t awsk me, Miste Jornsn. The kepn’s naow clawss arter all.
BRASSBOUND (a little shamefacedly). What has she been fixing up in there, Johnson?
JOHNSON. Well: Marzo’s in your bed. Lady wants to make a kitchen of the Sheikh’s audience chamber, and to put me and the Kid handy in his bedroom in case Marzo gets erysipelas and breaks out violent. From what I can make out, she means to make herself matron of this institution. I spose it’s all right, isn’t it?
DRINKWATER. Yuss, an horder huz abaht as if we was keb tahts! An the kepn afride to talk bawck at er!
Lady Cicely returns with Redbrook. She carries the jar full of water.
LADY CICELY (putting down the jar, and coming between Brassbound and Drinkwater as before). And now, Captain, before I go to poor Marzo, what have you to say to me?
BRASSBOUND. I! Nothing.
DRINKWATER. Down’t fank it, gavner. Be a men!
LADY CICELY (looking at Drinkwater, puzzled). Mr. Drinkwater said you had.
BRASSBOUND (recovering himself). It was only this. That fellow there (pointing to Drinkwater) is subject to fits of insolence. If he is impertinent to your ladyship, or disobedient, you have my authority to order him as many kicks as you think good for him; and I will see that he gets them.
DRINKWATER (lifting up his voice in protest). Nah, nah —
LADY CICELY. Oh, I couldn’t think of such a thing, Captain Brassbound. I am sure it would hurt Mr. Drinkwater.
DRINKWATER (lachrymosely). Lidy’s hinkyp’ble o sich bawbrous usage.
LADY CICELY. But there’s one thing I SHOULD like, if Mr. Drinkwater won’t mind my mentioning it. It’s so important if he’s to attend on Marzo.
BRASSBOUND. What is that?
LADY CICELY. Well — you WON’T mind, Mr. Drinkwater, will you?
DRINKWATER (suspiciously). Wot is it?
LADY CICELY. There would be so much less danger of erysipelas if you would be so good as to take a bath.
DRINKWATER (aghast). A bawth!
BRASSBOUND (in tones of command). Stand by, all hands. (They stand by.) Take that man and wash him. (With a roar of laughter they seize him.)
DRINKWATER (in an agony of protest). Naow, naow. Look eah —
BRASSBOUND (ruthlessly). In COLD water.
DRINKWATER (shrieking). Na-a-a-a-ow. Aw eawn’t, aw toel yer. Naow. Aw sy, look eah. Naow, naow, naow, naow, naow, NAOW!!!
He is dragged away through the arch in a whirlwind of laughter, protests and tears.
LADY CICELY. I’m afraid he isn’t used to it, poor fellow; but REALLY it will do him good, Captain Brassbound. Now I must be off to my patient. (She takes up her jar and goes out by the little door, leaving Brassbound and Sir Howard alone together.)
SIR HOWARD (rising). And now, Captain Brass —
BRASSBOUND (cutting him short with a fierce contempt that astonishes him). I will attend to you presently. (Calling) Johnson. Send me Johnson there. And Osman. (He pulls off his coat and throws it on the table, standing at his ease in his blue jersey.)
SIR HOWARD (after a momentary flush of anger, with a controlled force that compels Brassbound’s attention in spite of himself). You seem to be in a strong position with reference to these men of yours.
BRASSBOUND. I am in a strong position with reference to everyone in this castle.
SIR HOWARD (politely but threateningly). I have just been noticing that you think so. I do not agree with you. Her Majesty’s Government, Captain Brassbound, has a strong arm and a long arm. If anything disagreeable happens to me or to my sister-in-law, that arm will be stretched out. If that happens you will not be in a strong position. Excuse my reminding you of it.
BRASSBOUND (grimly). Much good may it do you! (Johnson comes in through the arch.) Where is Osman, the Sheikh’s messenger? I want him too.
JOHNSON. Coming, Captain. He had a prayer to finish.
Osman, a tall, skinny, whiteclad, elderly Moor, appears in the archway.
BRASSBOUND. Osman Ali (Osman comes forward between Brassbound and Johnson): you have seen this unbeliever (indicating Sir Howard) come in with us?
OSMAN. Yea, and the shameless one with the naked face, who flattered my countenance and offered me her hand.
JOHNSON. Yes; and you took it too, Johnny, didn’t you?
BRASSBOUND. Take horse, then; and ride fast to your master the Sheikh Sidi el Assif.
OSMAN (proudly). Kinsman to the Prophet.
BRASSBOUND. Tell him what you have seen here. That is all. Johnson: give him a dollar; and note the hour of his going, that his master may know how fast he rides.
OSMAN. The believer’s word shall prevail with Allah and his servant Sidi el Assif.
BRASSBOUND. Off with you.
OSMAN. Make good thy master’s word ere I go out from his presence, O Johnson el Hull.
JOHNSON. He wants the dollar.
Brassbound gives Osman a coin.
OSMAN (bowing). Allah will make hell easy for the friend of Sidi el Assif and his servant. (He goes out through the arch.)
BRASSBOUND (to Johnson). Keep the men out of this until the Sheikh comes. I have business to talk over. When he does come, we must keep together all: Sidi el Assif’s natural instinct will be to cut every Christian throat here.
JOHNSON. We look to you, Captain, to square him,