The Essential Russian Plays & Short Stories. Максим Горький
the less you know what's going on in your head. I'm as dizzy as if I were standing in a belfry, or if I were going to be hanged, the devil take it!
ANNA. And I didn't feel the least bit afraid. I simply saw a high-toned, cultured man of the world, and his rank and titles didn't make me feel a bit queer.
GOVERNOR. Oh, well, you women. To say women and enough's said. Everything is froth and bubble to you. All of a sudden you blab out words that don't make the least sense. The worst you'd get would be a flogging; but it means ruination to the husband.—Say, my dear, you are as familiar with him as if he were another Bobchinsky.
ANNA. Leave that to us. Don't bother about that. [Glancing at Marya.] We know a thing or two in that line.
GOVERNOR [to himself]. Oh, what's the good of talking to you! Confound it all! I can't get over my fright yet. [Opens the door and calls.] Mishka, tell the sergeants, Svistunov and Derzhimorda, to come here. They are near the gate. [After a pause of silence.] The world has turned into a queer place. If at least the people were visible so you could see them; but they are such a skinny, thin race. How in the world could you tell what he is? After all you can tell a military man; but when he wears a frock-coat, it's like a fly with clipped wings. He kept it up a long time in the inn, got off a lot of allegories and ambiguities so that you couldn't make out head or tail. Now he's shown himself up at last.—Spouted even more than necessary. It's evident that he's a young man.
SCENE X
The same and Osip. All rush to meet Osip, beckoning to him.
ANNA. Come here, my good man.
GOVERNOR. Hush! Tell me, tell me, is he asleep?
OSIP. No, not yet. He's stretching himself a little.
ANNA. What's your name?
OSIP. Osip, madam.
GOVERNOR [to his wife and daughter]. That'll do, that'll do. [To Osip.] Well, friend, did they give you a good meal?
OSIP. Yes, sir, very good. Thank you kindly.
ANNA. Your master has lots of counts and princes visiting him, hasn't he?
OSIP [aside]. What shall I say? Seeing as they've given me such good feed now, I s'pose they'll do even better later. [Aloud.] Yes, counts do visit him.
MARYA. Osip, darling, isn't your master just grand?
ANNA. Osip, please tell me, how is he—
GOVERNOR. Do stop now. You just interfere with your silly talk. Well, friend, how—
ANNA. What is your master's rank?
OSIP. The usual rank.
GOVERNOR. For God's sake, your stupid questions keep a person from getting down to business. Tell me, friend, what sort of a man is your master? Is he strict? Does he rag and bully a fellow—you know what I mean—does he or doesn't he?
OSIP. Yes, he likes things to be just so. He insists on things being just so.
GOVERNOR. I like your face. You must be a fine man, friend. What—?
ANNA. Listen, Osip, does your master wear uniform in St. Petersburg?
GOVERNOR. Enough of your tattle now, really. This is a serious matter, a matter of life and death. (To Osip.) Yes, friend, I like you very much. It's rather chilly now and when a man's travelling an extra glass of tea or so is rather welcome. So here's a couple of rubles for some tea.
OSIP [taking the money.] Thank you, much obliged to you, sir. God grant you health and long life. You've helped a poor man.
GOVERNOR. That's all right. I'm glad to do it. Now, friend—
ANNA. Listen, Osip, what kind of eyes does your master like most?
MARYA. Osip, darling, what a dear nose your master has!
GOVERNOR. Stop now, let me speak. [To Osip.] Tell me, what does your master care for most? I mean, when he travels what does he like?
OSIP. As for sights, he likes whatever happens to come along. But what he likes most of all is to be received well and entertained well.
GOVERNOR. Entertained well?
OSIP. Yes, for instance, I'm nothing but a serf and yet he sees to it that I should be treated well, too. S'help me God! Say we'd stop at some place and he'd ask, "Well, Osip, have they treated you well?" "No, badly, your Excellency." "Ah," he'd say, "Osip, he's not a good host. Remind me when we get home." "Oh, well," thinks I to myself [with a wave of his hand]. "I am a simple person. God be with them."
GOVERNOR. Very good. You talk sense. I've given you something for tea. Here's something for buns, too.
OSIP. You are too kind, your Excellency. [Puts the money in his pocket.] I'll sure drink your health, sir.
ANNA. Come to me, Osip, and I'll give you some, too.
MARYA. Osip, darling, kiss your master for me.
Khlestakov is heard to give a short cough in the next room.
GOVERNOR. Hush! [Rises on tip-toe. The rest of the conversation in the scene is carried on in an undertone.] Don't make a noise, for heaven's sake! Go, it's enough.
ANNA. Come, Mashenka, I'll tell you something I noticed about our guest that I can't tell you unless we are alone together. [They go out.]
GOVERNOR. Let them talk away. If you went and listened to them, you'd want to stop up your ears. [To Osip.] Well, friend—
SCENE XI
The same, Derzhimorda and Svistunov.
GOVERNOR. Sh—sh! Bandy-legged bears—thumping their boots on the floor! Bump, bump as if a thousand pounds were being unloaded from a wagon. Where in the devil have you been knocking about?
DERZHIMORDA. I had your order—
GOVERNOR. Hush! [Puts his hand over Derzhimorda's mouth.] Like a bull bellowing. [Mocking him.] "I had your order—" Makes a noise like an empty barrel. [To Osip.] Go, friend, and get everything ready for your master. And you two, you stand on the steps and don't you dare budge from the spot. And don't let any strangers enter the house, especially the merchants. If you let a single one in, I'll—The instant you see anybody with a petition, or even without a petition and he looks as if he wanted to present a petition against me, take him by the scruff of the neck, give him a good kick, [shows with his foot] and throw him out. Do you hear? Hush—hush!
He goes out on tiptoe, preceded by the Sergeants.
CURTAIN
ACT IV
SCENE: Same as in Act III.
SCENE I
Enter cautiously, almost on tiptoe, Ammos Fiodorovich, Artemy Filippovich, the Postmaster, Luka Lukich, Dobchinsky and Bobchinsky in full dress-uniform.
AMMOS. For God's sake, gentlemen, quick, form your line, and let's have more order. Why, man alive, he goes to Court and rages at the Imperial Council. Draw up in military line, strictly in military line. You, Piotr Ivanovich, take your place there, and you, Piotr Ivanovich, stand here. [Both the Piotr Ivanoviches run on tiptoe to the places indicated.]
ARTEMY. Do as you please, Ammos Fiodorovich, I think we ought to try.
AMMOS. Try what?
ARTEMY. It's clear what.
AMMOS. Grease?
ARTEMY. Exactly, grease.
AMMOS. It's