Collected Works. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
I don't care two straws what it says about it. Does it say anything about me?
BURGE-LUBIN. Yes.
BARNABAS. Oh, does it? What?
BURGE-LUBIN. It points out that an extraordinary number of first-rate persons like you and me have died by drowning during the last two centuries, and that when this invention of breathing under water takes effect, your estimate of the average duration of human life will be upset.
BARNABAS [alarmed] Upset my estimate! Gracious Heavens! Does the fool realize what that means? Do you realize what that means?
BURGE-LUBIN. I suppose it means that we shall have to amend the Act.
BARNABAS. Amend my Act! Monstrous!
BURGE-LUBIN. But we must. We cant ask people to go on working until they are forty-three unless our figures are unchallengeable. You know what a row there was over those last three years, and how nearly the too-old-at-forty people won.
BARNABAS. They would have made the British Islands bankrupt if theyd won. But you dont care for that; you care for nothing but being popular.
BURGE-LUBIN. Oh, well: I shouldn't worry if I were you; for most people complain that there is not enough work for them, and would be only too glad to stick on instead of retiring at forty-three, if only they were asked as a favor instead of having to.
BARNABAS. Thank you: I need no consolation. [He rises determinedly and puts on his fillet].
BURGE-LUBIN. Are you off? Where are you going to?
BARNABAS. To that cinema tomfoolery, of course. I shall put this American impostor in his place. [He goes out].
BURGE-LUBIN [calling after him] God bless you, dear old chap! [With a chuckle, he switches off; and the screen becomes blank. He presses a button and holds it down while he calls] Hallo!
A WOMAN'S VOICE. Hallo!
BURGE-LUBIN [formally] The President respectfully solicits the privilege of an interview with the Chief Secretary, and holds himself entirely at his honor's august disposal.
A CHINESE VOICE. He is coming.
BURGE-LUBIN. Oh! That you, Confucius? So good of you. Come along [he releases the button].
A man in a yellow gown, presenting the general appearance of a Chinese sage, enters.
BURGE-LUBIN [jocularly] Well, illustrious Sage-&-Onions, how are your poor sore feet?
CONFUCIUS [gravely] I thank you for your kind inquiries. I am well.
BURGE-LUBIN. Thats right. Sit down and make yourself comfortable. Any business for me today?
CONFUCIUS [sitting down on the first chair round the corner of the table to the President's right] None.
BURGE-LUBIN. Have you heard the result of the bye-election?
CONFUCIUS. A walk-over. Only one candidate.
BURGE-LUBIN. Any good?
CONFUCIUS. He was released from the County Lunatic Asylum a fortnight ago. Not mad enough for the lethal chamber: not sane enough for any place but the division lobby. A very popular speaker.
BURGE-LUBIN. I wish the people would take a serious interest in politics.
CONFUCIUS. I do not agree. The Englishman is not fitted by nature to understand politics. Ever since the public services have been manned by Chinese, the country has been well and honestly governed. What more is needed?
BURGE-LUBIN. What I cant make out is that China is one of the worst governed countries on earth.
CONFUCIUS. No. It was badly governed twenty years ago; but since we forbade any Chinaman to take part in our public services, and imported natives of Scotland for that purpose, we have done well. Your information here is always twenty years out of date.
BURGE-LUBIN. People don't seem to be able to govern themselves. I cant understand it. Why should it be so?
CONFUCIUS. Justice is impartiality. Only strangers are impartial.
BURGE-LUBIN. It ends in the public services being so good that the Government has nothing to do but think.
CONFUCIUS. Were it otherwise, the Government would have too much to do to think.
BURGE-LUBIN. Is that any excuse for the English people electing a parliament of lunatics?
CONFUCIUS. The English people always did elect parliaments of lunatics. What does it matter if your permanent officials are honest and competent?
BURGE-LUBIN. You do not know the history of this country. What would my ancestors have said to the menagerie of degenerates that is still called the House of Commons? Confucius: you will not believe me; and I do not blame you for it; but England once saved the liberties of the world by inventing parliamentary government, which was her peculiar and supreme glory.
CONFUCIUS. I know the history of your country perfectly well. It proves the exact contrary.
BURGE-LUBIN. How do you make that out?
CONFUCIUS. The only power your parliament ever had was the power of withholding supplies from the king.
BURGE-LUBIN. Precisely. That great Englishman Simon de Montfort—
CONFUCIUS. He was not an Englishman: he was a Frenchman. He imported parliaments from France.
BURGE-LUBIN [surprised] You dont say so!
CONFUCIUS. The king and his loyal subjects killed Simon for forcing his French parliament on them. The first thing British parliaments always did was to grant supplies to the king for life with enthusiastic expressions of loyalty, lest they should have any real power, and be expected to do something.
BURGE-LUBIN. Look here, Confucius: you know more history than I do, of course; but democracy—
CONFUCIUS. An institution peculiar to China. And it was never really a success there.
BURGE-LUBIN. But the Habeas Corpus Act!
CONFUCIUS. The English always suspended it when it threatened to be of the slightest use.
BURGE-LUBIN. Well, trial by jury: you cant deny that we established that?
CONFUCIUS. All cases that were dangerous to the governing classes were tried in the Star Chamber or by Court Martial, except when the prisoner was not tried at all, but executed after calling him names enough to make him unpopular.
BURGE-LUBIN. Oh, bother! You may be right in these little details; but in the large we have managed to hold our own as a great race. Well, people who could do nothing couldnt have done that, you know.
CONFUCIUS. I did not say you could do nothing. You could fight. You could eat. You could drink. Until the twentieth century you could produce children. You could play games. You could work when you were forced to. But you could not govern yourselves.
BURGE-LUBIN. Then how did we get our reputation as the pioneers of liberty?
CONFUCIUS. By your steadfast refusal to be governed at all. A horse that kicks everyone who tries to harness and guide him may be a pioneer of liberty; but he is not a pioneer of government. In China he would be shot.
BURGE-LUBIN. Stuff! Do you imply that the administration of which I am president is no Government?
CONFUCIUS. I do. I am the Government.
BURGE-LUBIN. You! You!! You fat yellow lump of conceit!
CONFUCIUS. Only an Englishman could be so ignorant of the nature of government as to suppose that a capable statesman cannot be fat, yellow, and conceited. Many Englishmen are slim, red-nosed, and modest. Put them in my place, and within a year you will be back in the anarchy and chaos of the nineteenth and twentieth centuries.
BURGE-LUBIN. Oh, if you go back to the dark ages, I have nothing more to say. But