Debts of Honor. Mór Jókai
they said they did not like the country. We were indeed surprised at this. Not to like the country—to wander in the fields, on flowery meadows; to breathe the precious perfumed air; to gather round one the beautiful, sagacious, and useful domestic animals? Can there be any one in the world who does not love that? Child, I know there is none.
My brother was all excitement for the chase. How he would enter forest and reeds! what beautiful green-necked wild duck he would shoot. How many multi-colored birds' eggs he would bring home to me.
"I will go with you, too," I said.
"No; some ill might befall you. You can remain at home in the garden to angle in the brook, and catch tiny little fishes."
"And we shall cook them for dinner." What a splendid idea! Long, long we remained awake; first Lorand, then I, was struck by some idea which had to be mentioned; and so each prevented the other from sleeping. Oh! how great the gladness that awaited us on the morrow!
Late in the night a noise as of fire arms awoke me. It is true that I always dreamed of guns. I had seen Lorand at the chase, and feared he would shoot himself.
"What have you shot, Lorand?" I asked half asleep.
"Remain quite still," said my brother, who was lying in the bed near me, and had risen at the noise. "I shall see what has happened outside." With these words he went out.
Several rooms divided our bedroom from that of our parents. I heard no sound except the opening of doors here and there.
Soon Lorand returned. He told me merely to sleep on peacefully—a high wind had risen and had slammed to a window that had remained open; the glass was all broken into fragments; that had caused the great noise.
And therewith he proceeded to dress.
"Why are you dressing?"
"Well, the broken window must be mended with something to prevent the draught coming in; it is in mother's bedroom. You can sleep on peacefully."
Then he placed his hand on my head, and that hand was like ice.
"Is it cold outside, Lorand?"
"No."
"Then why does your hand tremble so?"
"True; it is very cold. Sleep on, little Desi."
As he went out he left an intermediate door open for a moment; and in that moment the sound of mother's laughter reached my ears. That well-known ringing sweet voice, that indicates those naïve women who among their children are themselves the greatest children.
What could cause mother to laugh so loudly at this late hour of the night? Because the window was broken? At that time I did not yet know that there is a horrible affliction which attacks women with agonies of hell, and amidst these heart-rending agonies forces them to laugh incessantly.
I comforted myself with what my brother had said, and forcibly buried my head in my pillow that I might compel myself to fall asleep.
It was already late in the morning when I awoke again. This time also my brother had awakened me. He was already quite dressed.
My first thought was of our visit to the country.
"Is the carriage already here? Why did you not wake me earlier? Why, you are actually dressed!"
I also immediately hastened to get up, and began to dress; my brother helped me, and answered not a word to my constant childish prattling. He was very serious, and often gazed in directions where there was nothing to be seen.
"Some one has annoyed you, Lorand?"
My brother did not reply, only drew me to his side and combed my hair. He gazed at me incessantly with a sad expression.
"Has some evil befallen you, Lorand?"
No sign, even of the head, of assent or denial; he merely tied my neckerchief quietly into a bow.
We disputed over the coat I should wear; I wished to put on a blue one. Lorand, on the contrary, wished me to wear a dark green one.
I resisted him.
"Why, we are going to the country! There the blue doublet will be just the thing. Why don't you give it to me? Because you have none like it!"
Lorand said nothing; he merely looked at me with those great reproachful eyes of his. It was enough for me. I allowed him to dress me in the dark green coat. And yet I would continually grumble about it.
"Why, you are dressing me as if we were to go to an examination or to a funeral."
At these words Lorand suddenly pressed me to him, folding me in his embrace, then knelt down before me and began to weep, and sob so that his tears bedewed my hair.
"Lorand, what is the matter?" I asked in terror; but he could not speak for weeping. "Don't weep, Lorand. Did I annoy you? Don't be angry."
Long did he weep, all the time holding me in his arms. Then suddenly he heaved a deep and terrifying sigh, and in a low voice stammered in my ear:
"Father—is—dead."
I was one of those children who could not weep; who learn that only with manhood. At such a time when I should have wept, I only felt as if some worm were gnawing into my heart, as if some languor had seized me, which deprived me of all feeling expressed by the five senses—my brother wept for me. Finally, he kissed me and begged me to recover myself. But I was not beside myself. I saw and heard everything. I was like a log of wood, incapable of any movement.
It was unfortunate that I was not gifted with the power of showing how I suffered.
But my mind could not fathom the depths of that thought. Our father was dead!
Yesterday evening he was still talking with us; embracing and kissing us; he had promised to take us to the country, and to-day he was not: he was dead. Quite incomprehensible! In my childhood I had often racked my brains with the question, "What is there beyond the world?" Void. Well, and what surrounds that void? Many times this distracting thought drove me almost to madness. Now this same maddening dilemma seized upon me. How could it be that my father was dead?
"Let us go to mother!" was my next thought.
"We shall go soon after her. She has already departed."
"Whither?"
"To the country."
"But, why?"
"Because she is ill."
"Then why did she laugh so in the night?"
"Because she is ill."
This was still more incomprehensible to my poor intellect.
A thought then occurred to me. My face became suddenly brighter.
"Lorand, of course you are joking; you are fooling me. You merely wished to alarm me. We are all going away to the country to enjoy ourselves! and you only wished to take the drowsiness from my eyes when you told me father was dead."
At these words Lorand clasped his hands, and, with motionless, agonized face, groaned out:
"Desi, don't torture me; don't torture me with your smiling face."
This caused me to be still more alarmed. I began to tremble, seized one of his arms, and implored him not to be angry. Of course, I believed what he said.
He could see that I believed, for all my limbs were trembling.
"Let us go to him, Lorand."
My brother merely gazed at me as if he were horrified at what I had said.
"To father?"
"Yes. What if I speak to him, and he awakes?"
At this suggestion Lorand's two eyes became like fire. It seems as if he were forcibly holding back the rush of a great flood of tears. Then between his teeth he