Valentine M'Clutchy, The Irish Agent. William Carleton
on both sides. As your agent, my Lord, I should regret such popularity, at the same time, I think the intentions of poor, sweet, amiable Hickman's heart, are such as we must all love and admire.
“With respect, my Lord, to the manufacture of the “forties,” as a certain comical class of freeholders are termed, I could have easily undertaken to double the number you mention, on the most reasonable terms, were it not for the discouraging system adopted by Mr. Hickman. As it is, I must see what can be done; but your lordship knows that I can take no step either in this or anything else, until my appointment shall be finally confirmed. Perhaps you are not aware of the remarkable document, on the subject in question, which has recently gone its rounds in this country. It is called—
“'A RECEIPT TO MAKE A FORTY SHILLING FREEHOLDER.'
“'Take the poorest Irishman you can get, he must be destitute and ignorant, for then he will be slavish, give him a mud cabin, but no education; let the former be a bad model of an indifferent pig-stye, and held at thrice its value. Put him to repose on a comfortable bed of damp straw, with his own coat and his wife's petticoat, for bed-clothes. Pamper him on two half meals of potatoes and point per day—with water ad libitum. For clothing—let him have a new shirt once every three years—to give him exercise and keep him clean—a hat once in every seven, and brogues whenever he can get them. His coat and breeches—lest he might grow too independent—must be worn upon the principle of the Highlander's knife, which, although a century in the family, was never changed, except sometimes the handle and sometimes the blade. Let his right to vote be founded upon a freehold property of six feet square, or as much as may be encompassed by his own shift, and take care that there be a gooseberry bush in the centre of it; he must have from four to ten children, as a proof of his standing in society, all fashionably dressed, and coming at the rate of one every twelve months. Having thus, by a liberal system of feeding and clothing, rendered him strong for labor, you must work him from dark to dark—pay him fourpence a day for three quarters of the year, with permission to beg or starve for the remainder. When in health task him beyond his strength, and when sick neglect him—for there is nothing so beautiful as kindness in a landlord, and gratitude in a tenant—and thus will your virtues become reciprocal. He must live under a gradation of six landlords, so that whoever defaults, he may suffer—and he will have the advantage of six tyrants instead of one. Your agent is to wheedle, and your bailiff to bully him; the one must promise, and the other threaten; but if both fail, you must try him yourself. Should he become intractable under all this, you must take purer measures.—Compliment him on his wife—praise and admire his children—play upon his affections, and corrupt him through his very virtues—for that will show that you love your country and her people better than your own interests. Place a promise of independence on one side of him, but a ruined cottage and extermination on the other. When all his scruples are thus honorably overcome, and his conscience skilfully removed, take him for twenty minutes or so out of his rags, put him into a voting suit that he may avoid suspicion, bring him up to the poll—steep him in the strongest perjury, then strip him of his voting suit, clap him into his rags, and having thus fitted him for the perpetration of any treachery or crime, set him at large once more, that he may disseminate your own principles upon your own property, until you may require him again. Having thus honestly discharged your duty to God and your country, go calmly to your pillow, where you can rest in the consciousness of having done all that a virtuous man and true patriot can do, to promote the comfort and independence of his fellow creatures.'
“I have the honor to be, &c., &c., “VAL M'CLUTCHY,”
Lord Cumber to Solomon M'Slime, Esq., Attorney at Law:
“DEAR SIR:
“Enclosed is a letter to Mr. M'Clutchy, which I will trouble you to forward to him as soon as you can. It contains his appointment to the vacant agency, together with the proper power of attorney, and I have every reason to hope that my property will improve under him. I did think it no breach of any honorable principle to make him advance, by way of compensation, the sum of two thousand pounds. It is a thing very usually done, I am aware, and by men who would not bear any imputation against their honor. But I know not how it is, his letter has deterred me from taking the money in that light. It would be certainly too bad to allow a person of his birth and standing in the world to teach one of mine a lesson in delicacy of feeling. For this reason, then, let him advance the money on the usual terms of loan:—that you can adjust between you. All I ask is, that you will not lose one moment of unnecessary time in accomplishing this business, and remitting the money. Two thousand in a fortnight will be of more value to me than four in a month, owing to the peculiar difficulties in which I am placed.
“Yours, CUMBER.
“P.S.—I say, my little saint, I hope you are as religious as ever—but in the meantime as it is not unlikely—but on the contrary very probable—if not altogether certain—that I shall be in Ireland should the election take place, I trust you will have the kindness to let me know if there's e'er a pretty girl in the neighborhood—that wants a friend and protector—ha, ha, ha—as great a sinner as ever, you see—but for that reason you know the more entitled to your prayers for my conversion. The greater the saint, the greater the sinner now-a-days—or is it the other way? I forget.
“CUMBER.”
Lord Cumber to Val M'Clutchy, enclosed in the above:
“Dear Sir:
“I am very happy in appointing you to the important situation of my agent, with all the necessary powers and authority to act as may best seem to you for my advantage. The money I will take on your own terms, only I beg that you will lose no time in remitting it. I agree with you in thinking that Mr. Hickman, however well meaning, was deficient in firmness and penetration of character, so far as the tenants were concerned; and I would recommend you to avoid the errors which you perceived in him. With many principles laid down in your letter I agree, but not with all. For instance, if I understand you right, you would appear to advocate too much indulgence to the tenantry at my expense; for what else is allowing them to run into arrears. This certainly keeps the money out of my pocket, and you cannot surely expect me to countenance such a proceeding as that:—whilst I say this, it is due to you that I consider your ultimate object a correct one. Property loses a great portion of its value, unless a landlord's influence over the people be as strong as his right to the soil; and for this reason, the duty of every landlord is to exercise as powerful a control over the former, and get as much out of the latter as he can. The landlords, to be sure, are of one religion and the people of another; but so long as we can avail ourselves of the latter for political purposes, we need care but little about their creed. The results in this case are precisely the same as if the country were Protestant, and that is as much as we want. Indeed I question if the whole Irish population were Protestant to-morrow, whether the fact would not be against us. I now speak as identifying myself with British interests. Would we find them as manageable and as easily shaped to our purposes? I fear not. They would demand education, knowledge, and all the fulness of civil liberty; they would become independent, they would think for themselves, and in what predicament would that place us? Could we then work our British interests, foster British prejudices, and aid British ambition as we do? Certainly not, unless we had the people with us, and without them we are nothing.
“On the whole, then, so long as we continue to maintain our proper influence over them, I think, without doubt, we are much safer as we stand.
“With respect to the discharge of your duty, your own judgment will be a better guide than mine. As I said before, avoid Hickman's errors; I fear he was too soft, credulous, and easily played upon. Excess of feeling, in fact, is a bad qualification in an agent. Humanity is very well in its place; but a strong sense of duty is worth a thousand of it. It strikes me, that you would do well to put on a manner in your intercourse with the tenants, as much opposed to Hickman's as possible. Be generally angry, speak loud, swear roundly, and make them know their place. To bully and browbeat is not easily done with success, even in a just cause, although with a broken-spirited people it is a good gift; but after all I apprehend the best method is just to adapt your bearing to the character of the person you have to deal with, if you wish, as you ought, to arrive at that ascendency of feeling on your part, and subserviency