Little Mr. Bouncer; and Tales of College Life Little Mr Bouncer and His Friend Verdant Green. Cuthbert Bede
Charles Larkyns; "without leaving you even the tea-dust."
"I thought it better to mention it to Mrs. Tester, and asked her if she knew anything about it. She said, oh, yes! she had taken it, because 'gentlemen in general liked their tea-chestes to be cleared out, so that they might begin afresh next Term.' Is that the case?" asked Mr. Verdant Green.
"Well, I expect it is—with Freshmen," replied Charles Larkyns; "but you will be able to begin afresh next Term, old fellow, without being a Freshman; and you can then be quits with old Mother Tester, and wide awake to her pickings and stealings. Has she got much brandy out of you lately, eh, Verdant?"
"Not much," replied that goodnatured gentleman. "Her spasms began to be somewhat of a bore; for, she was always attacked by them whenever she found me alone in the room; and as I did not like to refuse her request to ease them with three drops of brandy on a lump of sugar—which was the remedy that she was accustomed to take whenever she was suffering from an attack—I have tried, lately, to avoid her, and to go out whenever I thought she was coming in."
Nevertheless, on the following morning, when Mr. Verdant Green had "tipped" his scout and bed-maker, before setting off homewards, Mrs. Tester was opportunely seized with spasms, as she was bidding him farewell. And as she pressed and thumped her sides in a terrific manner, and made every outward demonstration that she was suffering from internal agony, Verdant benevolently inquired what was the matter.
"It 's the spazzums, my good young sir!" groaned Mrs. Tester, dropping courtesys at every sentence, like the beats of a conductor's baton. "To which you be'old me a hafflicted martyr. And can only be heased with three spots of brandy on a lump of sugar. And how I am to get through these spazzums doorin' the veccation. Without a havin' em heased by going to your cupboard. For just three spots o' brandy on a lump o' sugar. Is a summat as I am afeerd to think on, my good young sir."
Whereupon Mrs. Tester was so completely overcome by the mingled pain of spasms and the prospect of losing Mr. Verdant Green's source of relief, that the Freshman was weak enough to present her with an extra half-sovereign for the express purpose of supplying her, during his absence, with the means of obtaining her accustomed medicine.
"Which a half sufferin', my good young sir!" said Mrs. Tester, as she pocketed the gold coin, "is more than I expected on. And will hease my spazzums like the Poor Man's Friend. Which my own son once'st gave me a bottle on. As had beautiful red whiskers with a tendency to drink. And was known to his friends by a strawbery mark in the small of his back. And was fine growed and the very moral of you, my good young sir,—which drink were his rewing and enlisted him for a soger,—when the yaller fever cut him off like a flower in the West Ingies,—which the remembrance brings on the spazzums, to which I 'm a hafflicted martyr,—and my grateful thanks to you, my good young sir, and wishin' you a safe journey 'ome and 'ealth and 'appiness."
But we are somewhat anticipating events. It was not yet the next morning, nor was little Mr. Bouncer's breakfast at an end.
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