Theater Plays. Valentin Krasnogorov
serious.
GIRL. I could tell right away that you’re not joking. (Starts to unbutton her dress.) Well?
HUSBAND. Right now?
GIRL. Certainly not tomorrow.
HUSBAND. Right here?
GIRL. Where else?
HUSBAND. Who will start first?
GIRL. Don’t we have to do it together?
HUSBAND. Yes, but somebody has to take the initiative.
GIRL. You have already done it. You offered; I agreed. Now it’s your turn again.
HUSBAND. What should I do?
GIRL. Do what you offered to do, I think.
HUSBAND. That would be great. But I don’t know how to start.
GIRL. That’s the most difficult part.
HUSBAND. What do you suggest?
GIRL. To tell the truth, I don’t have any experience.
HUSBAND. You’ve never had an affair with a man?
GIRL. Never! But men sometimes had an affair with me.
HUSBAND. And how did they start?
GIRL. All sorts of ways.
HUSBAND. I think we’re supposed to talk for a while first.
GIRL. What for?
HUSBAND. I don’t know. That’s how it’s done.
GIRL. What should we talk about?
HUSBAND. I don’t know. Books, movies, painting…
GIRL. And how long do we have to talk?
HUSBAND. I don’t know. It depends.
GIRL. Why not to talk afterwards?
HUSBAND. We can talk afterwards, too, but somehow you don’t want to anymore. Usually the talk comes first.
GIRL. Well, if that’s the way it’s supposed to be, then talk. But make it quick.
Pause.
HUSBAND. Under other circumstances I would offer to take you out to a cafe.
GIRL. Thanks. I already had a cup of coffee today. I thought you were proposing something else.
HUSBAND. That offer remains valid.
GIRL. So, what’s the matter?
HUSBAND. You see, sex should not begin from the end; it should begin from the beginning. There should be a resistance, there should be a struggle, and there should be a victory. That’s what brings satisfaction.
GIRL. We have resistance. On your part.
HUSBAND. I’m not resisting.
GIRL. Oh really? Are you being aggressive, then? Well, I surrender. It’s impossible to resist you. So, we’ve had resistance; we’ve had victory; now it’s time for satisfaction.
HUSBAND. But first let's talk.
GIRL. Haven’t we talked already?
HUSBAND. We haven’t even started to talk.
GIRL. Is that so? Well then, let's talk.
Pause.
HUSBAND. What will we talk about?
GIRL. Tell me about your Don Juan list of conquests. I suppose it’s incredibly long.
HUSBAND. Yes, I have a lot to tell …
GIRL. Well, how many women have you had? Tell the truth. Twenty? Thirty? A hundred?
HUSBAND. Maybe more… (After a pause.) To tell the truth though, not quite that many.
GIRL. Well then, how many? Ten?
HUSBAND. Not quite.
GIRL. Less than ten? And you call that a list? Still, I want to know, how many? Nine? Eight?
HUSBAND. (Reflecting). Including my wife?
GIRL. On the Don Juan list? Absolutely not. You can only include women on the list; is your wife really a woman to you?
HUSBAND. Then… I have to admit… I… I don’t have a Don Juan list. I mean, I do have a list, but there are no women on it.
GIRL. So get started it!
HUSBAND. Right here?
GIRL. Yes, right here, right now.
HUSBAND. You know, right here, just like that, it doesn’t seem right.
GIRL. What do you mean, “just like that”?! We’ve already been talking for five or ten minutes now!
HUSBAND. That’s not much. Imagine that you’re about to start traveling across a country that is completely new to you. Is your purpose just to reach the final point? No. You will be looking forward to the whole journey, from beginning to end, over all the hills and valleys, cliffs and canyons, roads and trails. Or, if you open a new book, will you start reading from the last page? Without a beginning there is no plot, without a plot there is no climax. And do you think that the goal of a climber is just to be on top without making the climb? Without having to make an effort, without the climb, there is no summit point, no climax.
GIRL. I’ll have a climax. But, of course, it depends on you to some extent. So let’s have sex, finally!
HUSBAND. But we are already having it!
GIRL. Really? I am an inexperienced girl, and easy to fool, but it seems to me that we’re doing something else.
HUSBAND. Sex is not what you think, it’s not just the last fifteen minutes. It’s not the curtain falling at the end of the last act; it’s a drama that has to be played out from beginning to end. Words, gestures, looks, serenades, flowers, gifts, advances, retreats, proposals, evasions – they all are a part of the great game called sex. It’s a ceremony, a series of rituals as old as the rutting of deer or the mating dance of cranes. It is a way of life, the foundation of culture. Fine clothes are not just worn to be taken off at the right moment. The most refined rules of etiquette, novels and poems, the sighs of violins and songs of flutes, pictures and sculptures of the beautiful Venus – all of these are created to convey the yearning of body and soul.
GIRL. Listen…
HUSBAND. No, you listen to me! What an intricate interrelation of the sexes mankind has devised! Certain parts of the body are concealed. Different clothes for different sexes. Different standards of behavior for men and women. The “strong heroic man” and the “weak fragile woman.” Don’t you see that none of this is accidental? It all fits together, doesn’t it?
GIRL. Are you all right?
HUSBAND. What do you mean?
GIRL. You’re acting as though you’re from the century before last. You talk too much.
HUSBAND. You oversimplify life.
GIRL. And you make it too complicated. Sex is a very useful, very simple and very necessary thing. Unfortunately, people go about this simple, pleasant and useful act in complicated, roundabout ways and spend a lot of effort, time and money on it. Why not simply approach someone, give them a big smile, stretch your hand and say, “Let’s have sex!” Like saying, “Good morning” or “Good night.” And how can it be a good night without sex?
HUSBAND. You’re right.
GIRL. “Let’s have sex!” should be used as a greeting. What better way to express an openness and willingness to make contact?
HUSBAND. You’re right. And what would be the response to this greeting?
GIRL. Something casual. Like, “Thanks, my pleasure.” Or, “Always at your service.” Or just, “Sure.”
HUSBAND. And how would we say goodbye?
GIRL. There’s no need to change anything. The words “See you later” already have a certain sexual connotation. You can hear in them a promise of something sweet, intimate, and long