Five Television Plays (David Mamet). David Mamet
JOHN LARUE
BOSS
COP
DOUG MAGEE, WINNIE’S SON (AGE 10)
RADIO ANNOUNCER (VOICE OVER ONLY)
POLICEMAN
SECOND POLICEMAN
JUDGE
BAILIFF
LAWYER FOR CONGRESSMAN
CONVICT (FEMALE)
GUARD
BUS DRIVER
STATE TROOPER
SECOND STATE TROOPER
RALPH BLUM (THE MAGIC WOODSMAN)
Narrator takes stage. Dressed as park ranger.
RANGER: Winnie was a waitress. She worked for tips. Here is a tip: a bad situation generally grows worse.
Things which can get no worse improve. There are exceptions: here is not one. Winnie caught a guy lifting a tip off of her table. Told him “who do you think you are?” and she read him out to the onlooking crowd, what sort of you-fill-in-the-blank that he was . . . which he was.
It turns out this man was a congressman. In an election year. He had to keep a shining image in the public eye, which is exactly where he kept it.
Would have been better off to be what he wished to seem, but barring that he took the secondary course, lived like a thief and made the Public Pay.
Winnie and her son Doug. Had planned a trip to Yellowstone. To celebrate his Tenth Birthday. He'd, as you might imagine, looked forward to that trip all year. And it was the object of much of their talk and much of their joint happiness.
At the restaurant.
WAITRESS: Hey, Winnie, quit dreaming, table number three wants the check!
(OLD COUPLE.)
OLD MAN: Could I have the check, please.
WINNIE: Here you are.
OLD MAN: Thank you. See you tomorrow, Winnie . . .
WINNIE: No you won't, sir. Tomorrow my boy and I leave for our vacation. I'll see you in two weeks.
OLD MAN: Where are you going?
WINNIE: Yellowstone Park.
OLD MAN: That's right, you told me. Here's a little extra, you have a fine trip.
(The OLD COUPLE starts up to leave.)
WINNIE: That's very generous of you, sir . . . thank you . . . (Before she can gather the money, etc., she is called to another table.)
CONGRESSMAN: Miss!
WINNIE (to OLD MAN): Thank you very much.
CONGRESSMAN: Miss!
WINNIE: I'm coming! (To CONGRESSMAN:) Yes, sir?
CONGRESSMAN (of check): What is the meaning of this?
WINNIE (checking bill): Ninety-five cents, for a substitution. You had beans instead of the creamed spinach.
CONGRESSMAN: You never told me that.
WINNIE: Yes, sir, I did.
CONGRESSMAN: You certainly did not. You did not tell me that.
WINNIE: Yes, sir, I am certain, you said “I'll have the Special.” Look: It's not important. If you take the check to the boss, I'm sure that he'll . . .
CONGRESSMAN: Well, that's not the point, is it? The point is that you never told me . . .
WINNIE: Well, if that's true, I'm sorry, sir.
CONGRESSMAN: No: say you never told me . . .
WINNIE: Excuse me . . .
CONGRESSMAN: You owe me an apology.
WINNIE: I think that I apologized, excuse me . . . (She walks away. To another WAITRESS:) Some people have too much salt in their diet . . . (To CONGRESSMAN:) WAIT A SECOND WAIT A SECOND WAIT A SECOND: WAIT A SECOND THERE!
(She walks back to his table, which he has gotten up from. He is standing near the table vacated by the OLD COUPLE. To CONGRESSMAN:)
You wanna put something back? (Pause.) You wanna put something back, or you want me to call the police.
CONGRESSMAN: I don't know what you're talking about.
WINNIE: I'm talking about you just lifted my tip off of that table. Now: you put it back or I call the cops.
CONGRESSMAN: You're saying . . . (Pause.) You're saying I did whhh . . . ? Get out of my way. (Tries to push past her.)
WINNIE: In a pig's eye I will. Somebody call the cops! Somebody call the cops, this guy took my tip off the . . . (To CONGRESSMAN:) You aren't going anywhere!
BOSS: What's the trouble?
WINNIE: This guy took my tip off the table.
CONGRESSMAN: Lady, you're in a world of trouble here.
WINNIE: Well, we're just going to see . . .
COP: What seems to be the trouble?
WINNIE: This guy lifted my tip off the table.
CONGRESSMAN: Not only is it not true, but I want to tell you you've just caused yourself a lot of pain. What's your name, Officer? I'm John Larue, I am the congressman for this district, and this deranged and sick individual has just slandered me. Pick her tip off the table? You know WHO I AM???
(The CONGRESSMAN sings about the exalted position he enjoys. He finishes singing.)
CONGRESSMAN: Now: I'll give you one last chance to retract what you said and take back your vicious lie, or you're going to wish you never were born.
WINNIE: Well, to wish you never were born you have to be born. Which gives you the option, and I think I'll stick with the truth. You should be ashamed of yourself. Good-bye.
(The COP takes the CONGRESSMAN away.)
WINNIE: What kind of a world is it? That guy should be setting an example . . .
(WINNIE and the assembled CUSTOMERS sing “What Kind of a World Is It?” peppering the song with examples from their own lives. The second verse is: “On the Other Hand,” where WINNIE sings about some of the good things which may be had simply in life, in her case, the trip with her son to Yellowstone Park.
As the clock strikes twelve she sings “My Day Is Done, and I'm Going on Vacation,” and leaves the restaurant. She walks home.)
WINNIE: Look at the stars, what a beautiful night it is. Always various. (She walks into her house.) Look at my son, isn't he gorgeous. And now we have all this vacation time to be alone together. All the rest is basically illusion.
RANGER: And so she fell asleep, and she and her son dreamed the same dream. In which they were in Yellowstone Park, high upon a ridge, upon a summit, looking down, and they saw mountain sheep, and they saw deer, and when the rain came unexpectedly they made a shelter from a fallen tree. And as in the wild of sleep and as in the wild of the forest their cares fell away. And when Winnie awoke, she saw her son, already dressed, sitting at the breakfast table, and he had made her a cup of tea.
(N.B. They are both dressed in full camp regalia.)
WINNIE: Good morning. What are you doing up so early?
DOUG: Oh, I couldn't sleep.
WINNIE: Why? You worried about school, shouldn't you be off to school?
DOUG: Well, I thought I wouldn't go to school today?
WINNIE: Wouldn't go to school? Why, of course, you have to go to school today, why wouldn't you?
DOUG: ’CAUSE WE'RE GOING TO YELLOWSTONE PARK!!!!!
(They