Pygmalion and Other Plays. GEORGE BERNARD SHAW
wakes up with a shock, exclaiming.] What a pair of fools we are! Come: sit up. Gracious! your hair. [She smooths it.] I wonder do all grown up people play in that childish way when nobody is looking. I never did it when I was a child.
FRANK. Neither did I. You are my first playmate. [He catches her hand to kiss it, but checks himself to look around first. Very unexpectedly, he sees Crofts emerging from the box hedge.] Oh damn!
VIVIE. Why damn, dear?
FRANK. [Whispering.] Sh! Here’s this brute Crofts. [He sits farther away from her with an unconcerned air.]
CROFTS. Could I have a few words with you, Miss Vivie?
VIVIE. Certainly.
CROFTS. [To Frank.] You’ll excuse me, Gardner. They’re waiting for you in the church, if you don’t mind.
FRANK. [Rising.] Anything to oblige you, Crofts—except church. If you should happen to want me, Vivvums, ring the gate bell. [He goes into the house with unruffled suavity.]
CROFTS. [Watching him with a crafty air as he disappears, and speaking to Vivie with an assumption of being on privileged terms with her.] Pleasant young fellow that, Miss Vivie. Pity he has no money, isn’t it?
VIVIE. Do you think so?
CROFTS. Well, what’s he to do? No profession. No property. What’s he good for?
VIVIE. I realize his disadvantages, Sir George.
CROFTS. [A little taken aback at being so precisely interpreted.] Oh, it’s not that. But while we’re in this world we’re in it; and money’s money. [Vivie does not answer.] Nice day, isn’t it?
VIVIE. [With scarcely veiled contempt for this effort at conversation.] Very.
CROFTS. [With brutal good humor, as if he liked her pluck.] Well that’s not what I came to say. [Sitting down beside her.] Now listen, Miss Vivie. I’m quite aware that I’m not a young lady’s man.
VIVIE. Indeed, Sir George?
CROFTS. No; and to tell you the honest truth I don’t want to be either. But when I say a thing I mean it; and when I feel a sentiment I feel it in earnest; and what I value I pay hard money for. That’s the sort of man I am.
VIVIE. It does you great credit, I’m sure.
CROFTS. Oh, I don’t mean to praise myself. I have my faults, Heaven knows: no man is more sensible of that than I am. I know I’m not perfect: that’s one of the advantages of being a middle-aged man; for I’m not a young man, and I know it. But my code is a simple one, and, I think, a good one. Honor between man and man; fidelity between man and woman; and no can’t about this religion or that religion, but an honest belief that things are making for good on the whole.
VIVIE. [With biting irony.] “A power, not ourselves, that makes for righteousness,” eh?
CROFTS. [Taking her seriously.] Oh certainly. Not ourselves, of course. Y o u understand what I mean. Well, now as to practical matters. You may have an idea that I’ve flung my money about; but I haven’t: I’m richer today than when I first came into the property. I’ve used my knowledge of the world to invest my money in ways that other men have overlooked; and whatever else I may be, I’m a safe man from the money point of view.
VIVIE. It’s very kind of you to tell me all this.
CROFTS. Oh well, come, Miss Vivie: you needn’t pretend you don’t see what I’m driving at. I want to settle down with a Lady Crofts. I suppose you think me very blunt, eh?
VIVIE. Not at all: I am very much obliged to you for being so definite and business-like. I quite appreciate the offer: the money, the position, Lady Crofts, and so on. But I think I will say no, if you don’t mind, I’d rather not. [She rises, and strolls across to the sundial to get out of his immediate neighborhood.]
CROFTS. [Not at all discouraged, and taking advantage of the additional room left him on the seat to spread himself comfortably, as if a few preliminary refusals were part of the inevitable routine of courtship.] I’m in no hurry. It was only just to let you know in case young Gardner should try to trap you. Leave the question open.
VIVIE. [Sharply.] My no is final. I won’t go back from it. [Crofts is not impressed. He grins; leans forward with his elbows on his knees to prod with his stick at some unfortunate insect in the grass; and looks cunningly at her. She turns away impatiently.]
CROFTS. I’m a good deal older than you. Twenty-five years: quarter of a century. I shan’t live for ever; and I’ll take care that you shall be well off when I’m gone.
VIVIE. I am proof against even that inducement, Sir George. Don’t you think you’d better take your answer? There is not the slightest chance of my altering it.
CROFTS. [Rising, after a final slash at a daisy, and coming nearer to her.] Well, no matter. I could tell you some things that would change your mind fast enough; but I wont, because I’d rather win you by honest affection. I was a good friend to your mother: ask her whether I wasn’t. She’d never have make the money that paid for your education if it hadn’t been for my advice and help, not to mention the money I advanced her. There are not many men who would have stood by her as I have. I put not less than forty thousand pounds into it, from first to last.
VIVIE. [Staring at him.] Do you mean to say that you were my mother’s business partner?
CROFTS. Yes. Now just think of all the trouble and the explanations it would save if we were to keep the whole thing in the family, so to speak. Ask your mother whether she’d like to have to explain all her affairs to a perfect stranger.
VIVIE. I see no difficulty, since I understand that the business is wound up, and the money invested.
CROFTS. [Stopping short, amazed.] Wound up! Wind up a business that’s paying 35 per cent in the worst years! Not likely. Who told you that?
VIVIE. [Her color quite gone.] Do you mean that it is still—? [She stops abruptly, and puts her hand on the sundial to support herself. Then she gets quickly to the iron chair and sits down.] What business are you talking about?
CROFTS. Well, the fact is it’s not what would considered exactly a high-class business in my set—the country set, you know—our set it will be if you think better of my offer. Not that there’s any mystery about it: don’t think that. Of course you know by your mother’s being in it that it’s perfectly straight and honest. I’ve known her for many years; and I can say of her that she’d cut off her hands sooner than touch anything that was not what it ought to be. I’ll tell you all about it if you like. I don’t know whether you’ve found in travelling how hard it is to find a really comfortable private hotel.
VIVIE. [Sickened, averting her face.] Yes: go on.
CROFTS. Well, that’s all it is. Your mother has got a genius for managing such things. We’ve got two in Brussels, one in Ostend, one in Vienna, and two in Budapest. Of course there are others besides ourselves in it; but we hold most of the capital; and your mother’s indispensable as managing director. You’ve noticed, I daresay, that she travels a good deal. But you see you can’t mention such things in society. Once let out the word hotel and everybody thinks you keep a public-house. You wouldn’t like people to say that of your mother, would you? That’s why we’re so reserved about it. By the way, you’ll keep it to yourself, won’t you? Since it’s been a secret so long, it had better remain so.
VIVIE. And this is the business you invite me to join you in?
CROFTS. Oh no. My wife shan’t be troubled with business. You’ll not be in it more than you’ve always been.
VIVIE. I always been! What do you mean?
CROFTS. Only that you’ve always lived on it. It paid for your education and the dress you have on your back. Don’t turn up your nose at business, Miss Vivie: where would your Newnhams and Girtons be without it?
VIVIE. [Rising, almost beside herself.] Take care. I know what this business is.
CROFTS.