Sober & Out. Группа авторов
& Out is a collection of Grapevine stories written primarily by alcoholics who are lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgendered (LGBT) members of AA. Here, along with stories from some other AA friends, they share their experience, strength and hope in recovery, as well as their personal struggles and their hard-fought triumphs.
Getting sober for any alcoholic can be difficult and the stories in this book show that—like most alcoholics—lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender AAs struggle to fit in, to stay sober and to find peace in their lives. Yet, by working the Steps, following the Traditions, doing service and finding a Higher Power, they are now living sober in the Fellowship of AA.
Alcoholism can be a lonely business, and AA has always sought to be inclusive in its membership, keeping its doors open for alcoholics of every description. As stated in AA’s Preamble, “The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.” And, while the LGBT members whose stories appear in this volume clearly meet that requirement, many have also faced challenges of acceptance and discrimination in getting sober. Some turned to the support, identification and understanding found in special-interest AA meetings with other LGBT members, though most have also found that attending regular meetings has helped to broaden and deepen their experience of recovery. Says one member, “When I hear the terms ‘straight AA’ or ‘gay AA,’ I cringe. There is only one AA, ‘a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength and hope with each other that they may solve their common problem and help others to recover from alcoholism.’”
While Grapevine has long been an avenue of expression for the individual stories of AA members, many LGBT members have been hesitant to share their experience, strength and hope openly in meetings, fearing rejection or judgment. However, more often than not, these fears have been unfounded and AA’s primary purpose has shone through. As one AA explains, “When I told my sponsor I am a lesbian, she said, ‘So what? You want to get sober, don’t you?’”
Ultimately, these AAs discovered that recovery from alcoholism is more important than their sexual orientation and that by staying sober and following AA’s program of recovery, full and purposeful lives could be built, one day at a time.
CHAPTER 1
AM I AN ALCOHOLIC?
What it was like for LGBT AAs and how they
reached out for recovery
Every alcoholic in recovery travels their own path to the doors of AA. The authors in this chapter are lesbian, gay, bisexual or transgender. Some didn’t realize their sexual orientation until after getting sober. Others knew who they were but were reluctant to share. But all found they had to be honest about themselves in order to stay sober.
Getting honest for any AA can be difficult, but it is worth it, writes one AA, recognizing “that somewhere among the readership of this magazine there are other persons like me, as I once was—shakily sober, but still living in guilt and the indescribable fear that homosexuality will prove to be an insurmountable obstacle in the path of sobriety and happiness. Have hope, my unknown friends,” he says. “You can be happy and live a useful life.”
The stories in this chapter show how gay and lesbian alcoholics recognized their alcoholism and—quickly or slowly—reached out for recovery and began to accept themselves and become part of the AA Fellowship.
Risking the Truth
FEBRUARY 1987
In Alcoholics Anonymous the importance of identification and honest sharing cannot be overemphasized. When I arrived at the doors of AA, I was isolated, frightened, and convinced that life would never improve. I had a vague hope that there could be something in AA for me—something that could make a sober and drug free life perhaps bearable—but I was not convinced. I have certainly found that “something,” however, and much more, but only over a period of years and with much soul-searching through inventory and risk-taking through honest sharing.
It seems that so many of us on entering AA have our own reasons why the program will not work. If one is married, it is because of a truculent spouse. If one is single, it is because there is no supportive partner. If one is employed, it is due to a demanding, overbearing boss. If one is unemployed, it’s due to the lack of funds. In my case I was gay. No one would want me in meetings and even if I were tolerated there, I would not be allowed to speak of my lifestyle. And if I did listen in meetings, the identification would not be present for me.
Two statements in our literature flash in my mind at this point. One is in the book Alcoholics Anonymous. “Burn the idea into the consciousness of every man that he can get well regardless of anyone. The only condition is that he trust in God and clean house.” The second statement is from the pamphlet “A Member’s Eye View of Alcoholics Anonymous.” “I am personally convinced that the basic search of every human being, from the cradle to the grave, is to find at least one other human being before whom he can stand completely naked, stripped of all pretense or defense, and trust that person not to hurt him, because that other person has stripped himself naked, too. This lifelong search can begin and end with the first AA encounter.” These, and many other statements in AA literature, gave me the hope that AA might work for me.
After I had about six weeks of sobriety, I talked with a man who had many years of sobriety. He told me that if there were anything standing between me and my God, I must get rid of it or risk drinking again. He also said that a man could not act contrary to his particular nature and remain comfortable. Each of us interprets such things differently, depending upon his or her emotional and spiritual status at the time, and I interpreted them as meaning that I must be stark raving heterosexual, and happy with it! I threw myself wholeheartedly into the AA program, my marriage, and my work, expecting that the “cure” would happen at any moment. I became so busy with work, meetings, inventories, housing and furnishings for my family, having children and raising them that I had no time to discover me. Finally, after about three years of frenzied sobriety, I slowed down enough to get in contact with me—with my sadness and emptiness caused by trying to be someone other than who I was. (Really, trying to be who I thought you wanted me to be.)
Because of the pain involved in my self-discovery, I was forced to talk in AA meetings about who I really was, and slowly, over several years, I have discovered a beautiful human being inside this skin. I had to let go of the notion that everyone must like me or approve of my lifestyle. I also needed to realize that when speaking in AA meetings, I must be honest but sensitive to the feelings of others. I had to learn to use the telephone for “one-on-one” conversations, but when my sobriety was at stake, I could not be deterred from honest and open sharing in meetings. (I defend the right of any member of AA to talk in an AA meeting about anything he feels is necessary to keep him from taking a drink.)
Old-timers in AA repeatedly told me that when I became comfortable with me, others would become comfortable with me as well. I find that to be true today. Much has transpired over the last seven and one-half years of my sobriety and abstinence from mind-altering chemicals. I have a very close relationship with my children and my ex-wife, closer than was ever possible when we lived together. We see one another often in a spirit of openness and honesty. I do not hide my homosexuality from my children. Likewise, they have expressed their concerns to me and we deal with our feelings completely “up front.”
My relationships in the gay community are wholesome, loving, dignified. I have had the opportunity to help several gay friends become involved in AA. They are now beginning the journey which I began. They would not have had the identification necessary to begin this journey had someone not been willing to take a risk and be honest and open in an AA meeting.
Finally, I have found in my own way that AA is my solution for sober living. The Steps work in my life for all sorts of problems. In meetings I identify with nearly every person who shares—we are all alcoholics and have similar feelings even though the details of our experience may differ. I listen now to the heart, from the heart. I have learned to trust that God, as I understand him, loves me just as he made me. I walk in life everywhere—at