The Complete Works of William Shakespeare. William Shakespeare
be here anon.
MRS. FORD
I am undone! the knight is here.
MRS. PAGE
Why, then, you are utterly shamed, and he’s but a dead man. What a woman are you! Away with him, away with him! better shame than murder.
MRS. FORD
Which way should he go? How should I bestow him? Shall I put him into the basket again?
[Re-enter FALSTAFF.]
FALSTAFF
No, I’ll come no more i’ the basket. May I not go out ere he come?
MRS. PAGE
Alas! three of Master Ford’s brothers watch the door with pistols, that none shall issue out; otherwise you might slip away ere he came. But what make you here?
FALSTAFF
What shall I do? I’ll creep up into the chimney.
MRS. FORD
There they always use to discharge their birding-pieces.
MRS. PAGE
Creep into the kiln-hole.
FALSTAFF
Where is it?
MRS. FORD
He will seek there, on my word. Neither press, coffer, chest, trunk, well, vault, but he hath an abstract for the remembrance of such places, and goes to them by his note: there is no hiding you in the house.
FALSTAFF
I’ll go out then.
MRS. PAGE
If you go out in your own semblance, you die, Sir John. Unless you go out disguised, —
MRS. FORD
How might we disguise him?
MRS. PAGE
Alas the day! I know not! There is no woman’s gown big enough for him; otherwise he might put on a hat, a muffler, and a kerchief, and so escape.
FALSTAFF
Good hearts, devise something: any extremity rather than a mischief.
MRS. FORD
My maid’s aunt, the fat woman of Brainford, has a gown above.
MRS. PAGE
On my word, it will serve him; she’s as big as he is; and there’s her thrummed hat, and her muffler too. Run up, Sir John.
MRS. FORD
Go, go, sweet Sir John. Mistress Page and I will look some linen for your head.
MRS. PAGE
Quick, quick! we’ll come dress you straight; put on the gown the while.
[Exit FALSTAFF.]
MRS. FORD
I would my husband would meet him in this shape; he cannot abide the old woman of Brainford; he swears she’s a witch, forbade her my house, and hath threatened to beat her.
MRS. PAGE
Heaven guide him to thy husband’s cudgel; and the devil guide his cudgel afterwards!
MRS. FORD
But is my husband coming?
MRS. PAGE
Ay, in good sadness is he; and talks of the basket too, howsoever he hath had intelligence.
MRS. FORD
We’ll try that; for I’ll appoint my men to carry the basket again, to meet him at the door with it as they did last time.
MRS. PAGE
Nay, but he’ll be here presently; let’s go dress him like the witch of Brainford.
MRS. FORD
I’ll first direct my men what they shall do with the basket. Go up; I’ll bring linen for him straight.
[Exit MISTRESS FORD.]
MRS. PAGE
Hang him, dishonest varlet! we cannot misuse him enough.
We’ll leave a proof, by that which we will do,
Wives may be merry and yet honest too.
We do not act that often jest and laugh;
‘Tis old but true: “Still swine eats all the draff.”
[Exit.]
[Re-enter MISTRESS FORD, with two SERVANTS.]
MRS. FORD
Go, sirs, take the basket again on your shoulders; your master is hard at door; if he bid you set it down, obey him. Quickly, dispatch.
[Exit MISTRESS FORD.]
FIRST SERVANT
Come, come, take it up.
SECOND SERVANT
Pray heaven, it be not full of knight again.
FIRST SERVANT
I hope not; I had lief as bear so much lead.
[Enter FORD, PAGE, SHALLOW, CAIUS, and SIR HUGH EVANS.]
FORD
Ay, but if it prove true, Master Page, have you any way then to unfool me again? Set down the basket, villain! Somebody call my wife. Youth in a basket! O you panderly rascals! there’s a knot, a ging, a pack, a conspiracy against me. Now shall the devil be shamed. What, wife, I say! Come, come forth! behold what honest clothes you send forth to bleaching!
PAGE
Why, this passes, Master Ford! you are not to go loose any longer; you must be pinioned.
EVANS
Why, this is lunatics! this is mad as a mad dog.
SHALLOW
Indeed, Master Ford, this is not well, indeed.
FORD
So say I too, sir. —
[Re-enter MISTRESS FORD.]
Come hither, Mistress Ford, the honest woman, the modest wife, the virtuous creature, that hath the jealous fool to her husband! I suspect without cause, Mistress, do I?
MRS. FORD
Heaven be my witness, you do, if you suspect me in any dishonesty.
FORD
Well said, brazen-face! hold it out. Come forth, sirrah. [Pulling clothes out of the basket]
PAGE
This passes!
MRS. FORD
Are you not ashamed? Let the clothes alone.
FORD
I shall find you anon.
EVANS
‘Tis unreasonable. Will you take up your wife’s clothes? Come away.
FORD
Empty the basket, I say!
MRS. FORD
Why, man, why?
FORD
Master Page, as I am a man, there was one conveyed out of my house yesterday in this basket: why may not he be there again? In my house I am sure he is; my intelligence is true; my jealousy is reasonable. Pluck me out all the linen.
MRS. FORD
If you find a man there, he shall die a flea’s death.
PAGE
Here’s no man.
SHALLOW
By my fidelity, this is not well, Master Ford; this wrongs you.
EVANS
Master Ford, you must pray, and not follow the imaginations of your own heart;