Bringing Metal To The Children: The Complete Berserker’s Guide to World Tour Domination. Rob Zombie
Lombardi trophy. Forget having that crazy birthday party with all of your friends while enjoying Cookie Puss. And definitely forget about throwing back some Viagra and pounding and dominating the living shit out of your slammin’ wife and her hot girlfriend. You ain’t got no cock and balls, you dumb motherfucker! Oh, and another thing, Einstein—you’re fucking dead.
In the end, find a religion that enriches your life and the lives of others and try to avoid religious leaders who land you in jail for thirty years to life. It is also advisable to keep sharp objects away from your genitals—they don’t like that.
Determination only comes with you straight out of the womb. You can’t learn determination. You either have it or you don’t. That’s why as hard as I try to beat it senselessly into JD’s body, I’ll never be successful. His body is already full, but with holes and emptiness that befuddle all laws of physics. Just like you can’t fill a colander with water, you also can’t fill JD’s body with an ounce of determination. Whereas the Black Label creed is stronger than death, JD’s is weaker than life. His heartless, soulless, lifeless, and friendless existence is an astonishing anomaly that will always amaze me.
That being said, the two most determined guys on the planet I’ve ever known are my father and Ozzy. These are two guys who lead by example and who’ve been there, done that. They had their asses handed to them repeatedly and never played the role of a victim. Instead, they said, “Fuck this,” and never stopped pushing forward. If I ever needed advice in my life I could always look up to Dad or Oz—and that advice would always be, “Start drinking heavily until the pain subsides, only to awaken sober, realizing that you’re in a rock band with a wife and three children who you need to provide for. Then keep drinking, trying not to remind yourself how much your wife and children are going to cost you, continually asking yourself why you couldn’t have taken up another hobby, such as basket-weaving or crochet.”
You think I’m fucking kidding? That’s what they both actually told me. After that, they asked me to lean a little closer toward them, and then poked me in the fucking eye. Blinded and confused, I asked my wise elders, as they stood there laughing at my misfortune, “Why did you do that?” And they answered, “We’re not really sure either. It fuckin’ hurts though, doesn’t it?”
I started listening to Ozzy’s music when I was twelve years old. If I had a crappy day at school or whatever, I could get off the school bus, go home, and listen to Sabbath albums, and it would just lift my spirit. Then I would come crashing back down to earth when I realized I was actually forty-four years old and still living at home with my mommy and dada, plus the rude awakening that my allowance hadn’t gone up since I was twenty-eight. So Ozzy’s actually been a part of my life the whole time, far before we ever met or started jamming together.
I’ve seen it a thousand times in my life: The musicians who were determined and had faith became successful, and those who were only looking for a paycheck are no longer around. When I actually auditioned for Ozzy, back when I was nineteen years old, some of the other guys trying out were a lot older than me. They were waiting their turn, saying, “I hear the gig pays pretty well . . . ,” and shit like that. That was the whole motivation for their being there. I would have taken the gig with no pay. I had shrines back home dedicated to Ozzy, Randy, and Black Sabbath. So when I realized that a slew of guys were there looking only for a payday, my attitude changed from nervous to “Fuck those guys, I’m going to get this gig!”
The first time I ever sat down with Ozzy he set me at ease. He said, “Zakk, just play with your heart, man, that’s all I want you to do.” His next piece of advice was for me to go into the kitchen and make him a ham sandwich. “And don’t fuck it up by going in heavy with the mustard,” he counseled me. I took his musical words of wisdom, and his instructions for the perfect lunch, to heart. With these treasures and my love of the music, I landed a gig that changed my life forever.
Determination: You can’t manufacture that shit, it’s gotta come from the heart. A lion doesn’t choose to be a lion, that’s just what he is. He knows what’s expected of him, and he gets it fuckin’ done. Kind of like JD—we expect nothing from him and that’s exactly what we get.
Merciless—to me Merciless means to be relentless in your pursuit, whether it’s for the love of your wife and kids, or for your passions and goals. You never give up on what’s important to you. If you want your band to be successful, or if you want to open the best fucking ham sandwich deli in town, you need to be Merciless in that quest. Just make sure you don’t go in heavy with the mustard—words of wisdom from the Sandwich Tao of Oz.
Black Label Society is going to continue to make records and will never stop kicking ass and tearing across the globe like a nuclear assault vehicle . . . Fuck it—MERCILESS!
If I have to light myself on fire and eat my own shit onstage to outdo the other bands . . . Fuck it—MERCILESS!
If I have to get one more sex change after the three I’ve already undergone to keep selling Black Label records . . . Fuck it—MERCILESS!
If I gotta hang a forty-pound plate from my labia majora to impress some record company executive, if that’s what it takes to keep moving the Black Label Armada forward . . . Fuck it—MERCILESS!
If while doing those special engagement Black Label family meet-and-greets I have to rub all my fans’ shoulders and then finish them off with a happy ending . . . Fuck it—MERCILESS! (Remember—it keeps the vocal cords lubed anyway! Stay positive!)
On my first date with my wife, Barbaranne, the two of us went to see the movie Urban Cowboy. I tried going up her shirt several times and got shut down. But I continued my relentless pursuit of fondling those luscious melons and today we have three children . . . Fuck it—MERCILESS!
Forever—We always say that Black Label is beyond forever. No one has ever been fired from or quit Black Label. Once you’re in, the door is always open. Long after I settle in for my dirt nap and I’m hangin’ up in God’s tavern, people will be listening to Black Label Society, wearing the colors and raising their glasses in the name of kick-ass music—some may argue that it would have to be no music that I’ve ever been part of.
That’s the true essence of Black Label Society and its creed, SDMF. The creed is our foundation, and from that place of strength, the concepts continue to grow and develop. And with all of us fuckin’ idiots involved, it can also be interpreted as Stupid Dumb Mother Fucker—you included.
The Three Black Label R’s: Revenge, Retaliation, Redemption
FACE YOUR FEAR, ACCEPT YOUR WAR, IT IS WHAT IT IS. . .
Being a Berzerker and part of the Black Label Society is also about accepting the responsibility of the Three Black Label R’s:
Revenge—The idea is that you are taking revenge upon your failures through your own achievements. You’re not going around beating anyone’s ass or being a dick because you’re pissed off that you’re not succeeding at life—I do that. Remember, I’m the lead singer fronting this two-bit fucking operation.
Nobody can make you fail; they can create more obstacles and force you to have to be more resourceful, but that just means you have to keep working it. Bottom line is that if you fail at something, if you get knocked down, then you gotta get the fuck back up and any desire for vengeance you feel has to be channeled through yourself into productive energy. Look at me; even with all the times I got shot down by Barbaranne I was still able to plow her sugar walls, dominate her baby maker, and bathe her in conquest enough times to kick out three children.
Retaliation—Revenge is the energy and retaliation is the set of actions you take to exact that revenge. Again, always retaliate upon yourself, because you are the only one who can carry out the steps toward your goals. Lawsuits and jail are no fun.
Redemption—Once you’ve sought revenge and followed through with your plan of retaliation, then you get to take home the prize, the redemption. You have succeeded; you’ve challenged yourself and come through on the other side. Face your fear and accept your war. It is what it is. And after all, life is a test and life is tough—let’s