Bringing Metal To The Children: The Complete Berserker’s Guide to World Tour Domination. Rob Zombie
should actually add a fourth Black Label R: Remove—as in please remove JD from my life. Yep. Now there are four. Moving on.
We pray for war and we pray for adversity, because we bleed for a challenge—something that’s bigger than us. You can either get discouraged and crawl into a corner and cry about it, or you can come out dick fuckin’ swinging. That goes for the ladies as well. Yeah. You heard me right. Around this camp, it’s not out of the ordinary to have a few of them motherfuckers rolling around—a nice round apple-bottom power-ass of doom—only to turn around swinging a cock bigger than the migraine I get from hanging out with JD.
Remember, life’s a mountain and we’re either going over it, going around it, going through it, or completely dismantling it.
Final score: Mountain—0, Black Label Order—1.
Flying the Colors
NOW, YOU’VE HEARD STUFF LIKE “THESE COLORS DON’T TOUCH THE ground,” like with the American flag and other patriotic or revered symbols. Well with Black Label, our colors do touch the ground. Sometimes it feels like they’ve been pounded into the ground and then shit on, but they always get back up again. The Black Label colors themselves represent family and unity. I’ve always referred to our fans as our fams. That’s what Black Label is, one gigantic extended family—something bigger than yourself and bigger than a band.
Back Patches—The original BLS patch set started with a bowling ball and pins to represent all of the shenanigans and the true concept of Black Label—that of a secret Illuminati bowling society. We had the bowling ball and pins in the center, and then “Black Label” across the top and “Society” below. As the concept grew, more patches were added to the front of the vests. Eventually we came up with a few different back patches as well. Each patch reinforces a different virtue of the Berzerker.
Skully—I chose Skully from an old medical manual, mostly because he looks like my favorite actress and the most handsome woman in show business—Bea Arthur. She ran the Golden Girls ship with an iron fist. There are numbers and locations on different areas of Skully. And the joke in our band has always been that the locations are the parts of your brain that are affected by booze, weed, painkillers, and stuff like that—not that we take any of that shit. One time someone in the Doom Crew suggested that the two circles and shaft near the top of the head look like a set of cock ’n’ balls on Skully’s forehead. And it’s ironic, because JD often accuses us of tea-bagging him while he’s sleeping on the bus. The problem is that his only proof is having a forehead that smells like an unwashed nut sac—that could come from anywhere. Between all the cock pumps (which you’ll be hearing about later) and all the jerkin’ off and porn that goes on in this outfit, I guess we really do have cock ’n’ balls on the brain!
If you take a look at the lyrics in the song “Berzerkers” (Drinking, puking, pissing, and fighting—Starting all over again), that’s the way the guys live. With the amount of pain pills going down, the amount of booze, and God only knows what else flyin’ around, things get a little crazy. But in the end, no matter how banged up you get, you gotta answer the bell the next day. That’s how the acronym GIFD was born.
GIFD—Get It Fucking Done. Elvis coined the acronym TCB, “Taking Care of Business.” He had the lightning bolt going through the TCB. We added the lightning bolt going through Skully on the GIFD patch, in the spirit of the King and out of respect for the Memphis Mafia. It’s a way to pay homage to Elvis’s work ethic and his relentlessness in keeping his operation moving forward. No matter what obstacles he faced, how many zeppelins jam-packed with narcotics flew into Graceland, how many televisions he shot, or how many late-night fried peanut-butter-and-banana sandwiches he devoured, the King was pure Black Label, always getting it fuckin’ done.
Chapters—The chapter patches identify where each Berzerker lives. Mine says “Los Angeles Chapter.” JD is in the Jersey chapter. Nick is in the Pittsburgh chapter—you get the picture. The idea is that a couple of guys from the same chapter can meet up, start a bowling team, come up with a cure for children’s cancer, end up millionaires, and bring joy to countless families across the globe. Or you can end up just like JD and his chapter—shoot heroin, share dirty needles, and bitch and moan that you all got nothin’ except that you’re in the same chapter and you now have the same blood type.
Berzerker Casket—Once you’re a Berzerker, you’re a lifer, as long as you’re bleedin’ it and you’re committed. That’s the mentality you live with, living life full-bore, stronger than death (or as I mentioned earlier in JD’s case, weaker than life—God bless the Mongoose)—a term of endearment we have long since bestowed upon the little fella. You’re a Berzerker long after they shovel the dirt on top of you and that’s the reason we have the word on a fuckin’ coffin.
Silhouette of My Testicles on a Shield—This is not a patch on the vest at all, it’s a silhouette of my nut sac. I tried to get this particular image printed with a scratch ’n’ sniff effect, but we were unable to reproduce the correct scent, so you’ll have to use your imagination or just sniff your own nut sac. We were originally going to use this design for our crest shield patch, but after a band vote, the idea was completely shut down.
BLS Crest Shield—The shield of strength represents family heritage. In the Black Label family crest you’ll see everything that Black Label is: the unbreakable chains to represent determination and faith; SDMF between the two images of Skully, which represent strength in numbers; and the black and white colors illustrating that there are no gray issues. There’s only yes and no, right and wrong, as in “Yes, Barb, I would love a blow job this morning,” and “Right, I haven’t bathed since the deployment of our tour over six weeks ago.”
When you’re on tour, your goal is to get yourself from point A (your hotel room) to point B (the rock show that night). Everything in between is the gray area that nobody gives a fuck about. You get a flat tire on the way to the gig, you stop by the liquor store and get shot at, and your dog eats your fucking homework. Nobody wants to hear about all that stuff. Just get it fuckin’ done. Get yourself from point A to point B and handle your business. Black and white.
Doom Crew Iron Cross—The Doom Crew patch honors the hardworking crew involved in keeping the Black Label Armada rolling.
BLS Nation Flag—Represents the BLS Nation and everyone that belongs to it, including all you Society-Dwelling Mother Fuckers!
The Black Label Order—The Order is a lot like the Illuminati—it’s a secret religious order with its foundations deeply embedded in the Black Label code. Members of the Order belong to their respective chapters worldwide, signified by the crucifix and the unbreakable circle that supports the cross standing in front of it. As the circle represents everlasting faith and commitment, the crucifix represents unconquerable strength, blood, and sacrifice. Skully is at the bottom, representing the foundation and the true secrets of the almighty Black Label Order.
Basically, it’s so