A Man She Couldn't Forget. Kathryn Shay
smiled over at her from where she sat on a stuffed chair in her hospital office. Clare had taken a similar chair opposite her in the cheery space—sand-colored walls, nice Berber carpet, wooden accents. She felt good in here, too, and had been more than willing to come back on this Wednesday morning.
“It’s better than being in the hospital. Some of my memory’s come back.” She told Anna about the flashes she’d had about Brady, Delia and Don, Max and cooking.
“Interesting. They’re all about the people from the house.” She cocked her head. “None about Jonathan?”
“I hadn’t thought of it that way. Maybe because he had to go away and the others are around all the time. I’ve talked to him every day on the phone but, truthfully, the conversations are strained. It’s hard enough facing people you don’t know in person.”
“Maybe it’s his absence. But you’ve known him the shortest time. Remember, with retrograde amnesia, the earlier memories come back first.”
“I was just talking to Brady about that.”
Anna crossed her legs and adjusted the skirt of her beige suit. “How does it feel to be in your house?”
“What do you mean?”
“Is it like sleeping in a stranger’s bed? Like you’re wearing someone else’s clothes?”
“Not at all. I sense everything’s mine. I chose something to wear this morning without fretting about it and felt immediately at home in the kitchen.”
“It’s good that everything isn’t foreign.”
“I guess. But other things aren’t so good.”
“Like?”
Clare fidgeted with the bracelet she’d put on with khaki pants and a yellow blouse. “I’ve found some other things out about my life. About me. Some bad things.”
“From these flashes of memories?”
“No, those were all good. But the tension among Max, Delia and me became obvious right away. So I asked about it.” She told Anna that she’d grown away from her group of friends. “The problem is I don’t feel that way about them now. I’m sad that they’re so wary and I want to be closer to them.” She thought for a minute. “Anna, do personalities change when someone has amnesia?”
“Sometimes. Especially in cases of permanent amnesia. There’s a movie called Regarding Henry where Harrison Ford gets shot and turns into a totally different person than he was before the incident. He never regains his memory, though, and he retains the new personality.”
“So I could just stay the person I am now?”
“Maybe. But keep in mind, you won’t do anything with amnesia that you wouldn’t normally do. That often comforts people who are afraid they’ll do negative things. But in your case, who you are now is the real Clare, too.”
She frowned. “But I could turn back into who I was right before the accident?”
“Perhaps. We’ve discussed how nebulous this malady is. But here’s another way to look at it. You can make any changes in your life that you want. You’re in control of that with or without your memory.”
Clare stared at Anna. “I wonder if I’ll still want to be close to them when my memory returns.” The thought made her incredibly sad.
“Take one day at a time.” Anna held her gaze. “What about Brady? He was at the hospital every day, too. And you seemed to gravitate toward him. Is there any tension between you two?”
“No. Just warmth. A lot of it. And security. I feel safe with him.” She crooked a shoulder. “Safer than with Jonathan.”
“You and Brady were close for a longer period of time.”
“Maybe. It feels like more than that, though.”
Anna leaned forward. “Go with your gut, Clare. Act on the instinct that remembers things for you. A good deal of research into what’s known as cellular memory shows our cells store memories. I support that theory. Have you seen those movies about body-part transplants, where the recipient acquires the memories and experiences of the donor and often gets flashes of that person’s life? You could and probably do have residual memories of everything that’s happened to you built right into your cell structure.”
“That’s something to consider.”
“Anything else about Jonathan or Brady?”
“One thing. Obviously, Jonathan and I were close—physically. How could I forget being intimate with a man, Anna?”
“There have been documented cases of people forgetting a spouse and even a child, Clare.” Anna frowned. “He’s not asking for intimacy, is he?”
“No, not yet. No, he wouldn’t do something like that. He’s been selfless in this whole thing.”
“Then bide your time and see how you feel about it all. You’ve only been home a few days.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
“Now let’s talk about your dreams. Though I’m not into symbol hunting, they’re a crucial part of amnesia and should be discussed.”
A chill ran through Clare, and she rubbed her arms as she recalled Monday night’s dream. “I’m still having nightmares.”
“Most amnesiacs do.”
“I can’t remember them all, but Monday’s stays with me. Brady and Jonathan were snakes. One bit me, and one curled around my wrists.”
“Hmm. Who did what?”
Clare told her. “Do you think it’s significant?”
“As I explained right after you woke up, dreams are a person’s unconscious asserting itself, even if that person doesn’t have amnesia. I’d like you to write down the dreams you do remember. In as much detail as possible.”
Clare nodded.
“Is there anything else you’d like to talk about today?”
“Yes. I’m going stir-crazy.”
“You’ve only been home two days.”
“I was in the hospital two weeks. I need to do more than I’m doing.”
Anna smiled. “Then do it.”
“I’ve been walking, but I found tennis stuff in the closet. Am I ready to play?”
“If you think you are.”
“And I’d like to drive again.”
The therapist looked thoughtful. “Can you do that?”
“I don’t know. I haven’t tried.”
“How did you get here?”
“Brady. He’s been a doll about all this. He’s waiting outside.”
Anna watched her. “Your whole face lights up when you talk about him.”
“Does it? How odd, when I’m…involved with Jonathan.”
“Something to think about. Be careful with the driving. You don’t have procedural amnesia. You seem to know how to do things. But test-drive with someone in the car for a while. Don’t go alone for a week or so. Especially with the headaches.”
“All right.” Clare shook her head. “It’s all so frustrating.”
“I’ll bet. But your memory is starting to come back. You’re making terrific progress.”
It didn’t feel that way. And Clare worried about things. “Anna, do you think some traumatic event caused my amnesia?”
“You had severe head trauma. But your last tests