A Geek in Korea. Daniel Tudor
Korean wedding, you will see two tables—one manned by friends of the groom, and one by friends of the bride. You sign a book of congratulation, and then they hand you an envelope, into which you may put 50,000 or 100,000 won—maybe more, if you are close (or rich).
All of those contributions should hopefully pay for the lavish wedding meal (and copious amounts of alcohol), flowers, room hire, dresses, and so on. Some families even turn a profit. But because the money goes to the family rather than the bride and groom themselves, some guests—usually the groom’s friends—hand extra cash over to them in secret.
Between the two families, a whole range of expensive gifts will also change hands. The groom’s family is supposed to provide an apartment for the couple, while the bride’s family is supposed to fill it with furniture, appliances, and so on. The bride must in turn give the groom’s family a gift, or yedan, which consists of valuables up to the tune of 10 percent of the cost of the apartment! Many a wedding has been called off due to disputes over these costly arrangements.
The mothers of both bride and groom at a wedding. A Korean wedding is a union of families rather than just individuals—so the two sides really need to get along.
A wedding at the Ritz-Carlton Hotel in Gangnam. This was one of the fanciest weddings I have ever attended. Check out the size of the cake in the background!
Don’t Marry Her!
Because a Korean wedding is a union of families, parents are heavily involved even in the selection process. Even today, most Koreans would not defy their parents if told “don’t marry him/ her.” A close friend of mine broke up with his girlfriend after his parents said they could not accept her as a daughter-in-law. He later married another woman. Sad to say, the difference was one of status—his mother and father felt the family of the first girlfriend to be socially beneath them. This kind of tale is a common one in Korea.
EOJANG GWALLI: MANAGING YOUR FISHING GROUNDS
My aforementioned friend met both his ex-girlfriend and future wife on blind dates. These are known in Korea as sogaeting. Sogaeting is considered the standard way of meeting people, and it certainly isn’t merely the desperate who have them. Many people also enjoy arranging them. Internet dating, too, is popular, with relatively little stigma attached. And then for more serious dating, there are “marriage information” agencies, which introduce people looking for a spouse. Large firms like Duo and Sunoo, which maintain databases of tens of thousands of lonely hearts, do great business.
In big cities like Seoul though, there are many who do their own “hunting” (this is an English loan-word), at their universities, in bars, and in clubs, and so on. And despite Korea’s (now outdated) reputation for social conservatism, those who are considered attractive may well maintain a pool of not-quite-significant others whom they date casually and non-exclusively, before possibly getting serious with one of them later. Young Koreans even came up with a phrase, eojang gwalli (“managing your fishing grounds”), to describe this practice.
YOU’RE MY PET!
Another interesting trend has been the growth in relationships between older women and younger men. “Nuna-ism”—“nuna” being “older sister,” but which can also generally mean an older woman—has gained traction in art and life. TV shows and movies show such relation ships, and this has been accompanied by a dramatic increase in the number of men marrying older women in the past fifteen years. This is helping turn the traditional man-as-provider notion on its head. There was even a movie released in 2011 entitled You’re My Pet, in which a career woman protagonist finds a poor young man on the street, and quite literally takes him in as her pet. The male lead is Jang Keun-seok, an archetypal pretty-boy (or kkotminam in Korean slang) who is also extremely popular in Japan.
A Sogaeting (Blind Date)
Blind dates are the most common kind of first date in Korea. Mutual friends introduce the two, and then leave them to it. Sometimes things work out, and sometimes they don’t…
The Man of Korea Movement
You’re My Pet enraged a group named Man of Korea (MoK), a self-proclaimed men’s rights organization, which protests against submissive portrayals of men in the media. MoK also threw a hissy fit about a pop video by singer Baek Ji-young, which showed men being treated like pet dogs by women.
It is surprising that such a group would exist in a country as male-dominated as Korea, but it does show that times are starting to change. Ironically, the media companies that release Miss Baek’s songs, and make movies like You’re My Pet, are still almost completely run by men.
THE AEGYO SYNDROME: GIRLINESS TO THE MAX
“Am I cute?”
“Sure, you’re cute.”
“But then, am I not pretty?”
“Yes, of course you’re pretty.”
“Why don’t you say I’m sexy, though?”
“You just asked me if you’re pretty…”
“So I’m not sexy then?”
“I didn’t say that! Sure you are.”
“But if I’m sexy, then how can I be cute?”
“‘Cute’ and ‘sexy’ are different.”
[Repeat until one’s head explodes]
This is a close approximation of a conversation I once had with a girl I was dating, back when I was young and foolish. But this kind of rather childish, overly-cute talk is an example of aegyo, a type of girlish flirtiness that young Korean women are adept at. Though it may frustrate a cynical Englishman like me, the truth is that plenty of Korean guys go crazy for it.
HOW AEGYO WORKS
Basically, aegyo is all about seeming as cute or defenseless as possible, whilst teasing the man a little. Squealing the word “oppa”—which literally means “older brother” but is mostly used to address a boyfriend—is a must. So is comically slapping oppa on the chest or arm whenever he says anything a bit naughty. Pouting and pretending to be angry for a while, and then forgiving oppa, also increases one’s aegyo rating.
The master aegyo artist is a completely different woman in front of a man she is interested in. She may use bad language, discuss all manner of sexual topics, and drink like a fish when with her female friends, but if the object of her affections shows up, the change is instantaneous. She will become a picture of giggly innocence.
AEGYO OR NAESUNG?
Not everyone likes aegyo. For a start, women tend to hate it when they see others using it—though that doesn’t necessarily stop them using aegyo themselves when required. There is also the occasional man who finds it irritating, particularly when he is not attracted to the woman in question. In such a case, he might accuse her of being naesung, rather than having aegyo. Naesung means “pretending to be innocent,” but in a negative way.
Feminists tend to dislike aegyo, since it reinforces the “helpless woman” stereotype, and encourages men to see women in that light. But one can also see aegyo as a kind of empowering con game that induces men to become putty in a cute young lady’s manicured hands. And I have seen women with fat salaries and PhDs demonstrate naesung with the best of them.