This Heart Within Me Burns - From Bedlam to Benidorm (Revised & Updated). Crissy Rock
Granddad, please.’
Granddad is forcing me on to the floor and lifting my dress up and I am bare down there and he can see my ‘Auntie Mary’. I wish I had me knickers on but I only have one pair and they have been washed and are above the fireplace at me mum’s.
‘No, Granddad, please.’
This is not the choking game, but a new game. Granddad is so heavy and I can hardly breathe. I want to scream at him to stop; he is hurting me so much. I feel a hot pain like a red-hot poker; I am tearing down there, inside me. Me belly feels as if it is in me chest, me chest feels as if it is in me throat, and me throat is bursting through me eyeballs.
‘No, Granddad,’ I manage to blurt out. ‘Play the choking game, please play the choking game. Not this game, anything but this game.’
I don’t like it. I don’t like it. I want me granddad to get off. I don’t want to play his game any more. I’ve asked Jesus to tell him I don’t want to play, but he must’ve gone out because he’s not listening, ’cause I must be bad and Jesus doesn’t like bad people. I’m gonna tell Jesus’s dad on him, because I’m not bad and he never comes to listen. He never listened either when the vicar asked him to make me sister Janet better. He didn’t listen, he never listens.
I want Granddad to get off now. I close my eyes and focus on the clock, knowing that the end of my torment is controlled by its ticking. But then I remember that the clock’s little winder is always kept in his trouser pocket. Granddad controls me and controls Brian, but he also controls that clock, and, even when my mind escapes into that clock on the mantle shelf, I haven’t escaped… not really.
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