This Heart Within Me Burns - From Bedlam to Benidorm (Revised & Updated). Crissy Rock
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Praise for This Heart Within Me Burns
‘A book that will have you laughing and crying in equal measures. An incredible, honest account from an incredible, honest woman.’
Ricky Tomlinson
‘An inspirational book from a genius of our time. A remarkable account by a woman who has had more kicks in the teeth than 17 Shane McGowans but still managed to pull herself up from the floor, stand tall and shout, “Here I am.”’
Ken Scott
‘A graphic and honest account of an incredible life, by no means over. Thank goodness it found the light of day.’
Trevor Dalton
Dear Mum and Dad,
It seems strange writing to you both this way but I am sure you will get to read this one way or another. I don’t have to say I miss you because you already know that.
There were many times I took you for granted when I was younger because I always thought you would be here forever. I needed to write this down in my book to let my readers know how special you both were. What you couldn’t give us in material things you gave us twice as much in love, and you cared for us all like the best parents in the world.
I hope you are both together now, setting up a little home in heaven. One day, one by one, we will all join you again. It is why I do not fear death.
My brothers and I talk about you often. We say that we never knew what your dreams were, because you lived your dreams through us. Hopefully, as you look down on us, you will see that our lives have become an extension of your lives, filled with an abundance of love and honesty, the same love and honesty you gave to us all.
Until one day when I’ll see you again, I miss and love you both.
CONTENTS
Title Page
Dedication
Acknowledgements
Foreword by Ken Loach
Preface by Ken Scott
Introduction
Prologue
Chapter One HERE I AM
Chapter Two LIVERPOOL 8
Chapter Three GRANDDAD
Chapter Four DOWN WITH SCHOOL
Chapter Five CONTROL
Chapter Six GOODBYE, NAN
Chapter Seven FAR FROM HOME
Chapter Eight EDUCATING CRISSY
Chapter Nine THE END OF THE ANCIENT MARINER
Chapter Ten ANOTHER ORDEAL
Chapter Eleven MARRIAGE MADE IN HELL
Chapter Twelve A NEW ARRIVAL
Chapter Thirteen FIGHTING FOR MY LIFE
Chapter Fourteen MY DARKEST HOUR
Chapter Fifteen WALKING AWAY
Chapter Sixteen A NEW LEASE OF LIFE
Chapter Seventeen TRUE BLUE
Chapter Eighteen ANOTHER GOODBYE
Chapter Nineteen MY BIG BREAK
Chapter Twenty AWARDS
Chapter Twenty One LIVING LIKE A STAR
Chapter Twenty Two MONEY’S TOO TIGHT TO MENTION
Chapter Twenty Three BENIDORM
Chapter Twenty Four THE JUNGLE
AND FINALLY…
Plates
Copyright
To my five beautiful granddaughters, you have given me the greatest joy my heart could ever have, and you have all inspired me in every word on every page. I love you lots, my jelly tots.
Thank you to my two daughters, Tracy and Hayley. There were many times I got it wrong as a mother, but never once did I ever stop loving you. I tried my best to protect you from the sort of life I’d experienced. At times I became overprotective. I love you both and I am so proud of you both.
Thanks go out to my four brothers, for always being there for me and allowing me to tell the stories in this book, stories that are so personal and so very, very special.
To my stepmum Linda, thank you for the years of love you gave our dad, me and my brothers, and for still being around to this day whenever we need you.
To Gill and Tony Gustafson who helped me along the road to becoming Crissy Rock. Without your support and love I don’t think I would have ever made it. And of course to Kenneth Earle, my agent – the first man who treated me like a lady – and to Lyn and Tom Staunton who found me right at the beginning.
To John. The only time I ever feel like I belong to someone is when I am with you. Thank you for making me feel so special, so loved, so wanted and for never letting me give up. I love you more than you could ever know.
To big Dee and Margaret Anderson, my beautiful Belfast friends, my surrogate parents who always cheer me up no end whenever I see you both.
To Gerry and Deemo Povey. Gerry, you are my hero, my domestic goddess and my friend. Your kindness and friendship throughout the years has been a blessing; and, Deemo, never change your answering-machine message; it makes me laugh so much. Not forgetting Carol Spence and family who took me in and treated me like one of their own.
And last but by no means least, to Margie Jones. What can I say, Margie, thank you for our friendship over the last 28 years. Margie, we’ve laughed and cried together, you’ve been the big sister I never had and the best friend anyone could ever ask for. I truly love you to bits. x MIZPAH – The Lord watch between me and thee when we are absent one from another.
Oh my God, and I nearly forgot, there’s some fellow called Ken Scott. He came to meet me outside the UK Bar in Benidorm and said he was interested in seeing my scribbles and ramblings that he had heard someone talking about. I said to him, ‘You cheeky get, that’s my life you’re talking about!’ Ken and me hit it off straight away. The fact we were as cheeky as each other made us get on like a house on fire.
I had been trying for years to get a book together but something always felt missing; it was never going to happen. The lack of education and knowledge of the written word held me back, and I knew that my spelling left a lot to be desired. So we got together and he held my hand along the way; he taught me that grammar was not just something for school and, yes, at times, he damn well bullied me. But, more than that, he persuaded me to talk about things I hadn’t wanted to talk about. And slowly, as it began to take shape, I could see that it all made perfect sense.
Ken has had me laughing and crying and helped me make sense of the pages and pages of my words that eventually became this book. Without his expertise as a writer, his gentle powers of persuasion and the ability to discipline his subject, they would have stayed stuck in the drawer of my bedside cabinet forever. He helped me open up the words on each page like a picture, giving it depth, a vision… meaning. And now it’s eventually all come together, it seems strange flicking through the pages of a story that has been my own life. So Mr Ken Scott … Scotty, from the bottom of my heart, I can’t thank you enough for your patience and understanding, and your skill in helping me to become a writer.
Thanks also to Ken’s editor (and mine too) Carol Cole – my first experience with a schoolteacher since I left school,