This Heart Within Me Burns - From Bedlam to Benidorm (Revised & Updated). Crissy Rock
it was. A true professional, Carol – thanks a million.
And finally to Derren Litten and all the cast and crew in Benidorm who put me back on my feet again.
BY KEN LOACH
Crissy Rock is a remarkable woman and she tells a story that would break your heart. We met, as she describes, through a mutual friend, Ricky Tomlinson. We were casting a film called Ladybird Ladybird, written by Rona Munro, based on a true story of a woman whose life was wrecked by abusive relationships but who was unable to escape the stereotypical way she was seen by others. I think Crissy and I met several times during the casting. Each time the truth of her responses in the imaginary scenes we set up became more impressive.
Throughout the filming, her energy was prodigious. We would shoot emotional and disturbing sequences for maybe 10 hours or more. Behind the camera we would all be quite drained. Crissy would clap her hands and demand to know where the action was to be that evening. Like all good actors, she communicates directly, eye to eye, with the others. Her reactions are instinctive and authentic.
As Maggie Conlan, she was touching, not only because she was vulnerable but also because she was a fighter. It was her refusal to be beaten, despite all the unspeakable disasters that happened to her, that moved the audience. Of course, those qualities are not only true of Maggie Conlan, they are true of Crissy herself. To survive her early life she needed great resilience but to come through with wit and a warm spirit shows a strength that is quite extraordinary. I cannot think of anyone I have worked with who shines more brightly.
I hope Crissy’s demons are finally vanquished. But, partly because of them, may she continue to astonish us with her work.
BY KEN SCOTT
I first met with Crissy Rock in the spring of 2009. Soon after our introduction, I watched her perform on stage at the UK Cabaret Bar in Benidorm on Spain’s Costa Blanca. Her performance onstage that evening was full of energy, her timing close to perfection, and she had the audience eating out of her hand. She was clearly at her brilliant best ad-libbing and verbally counter-punching with a few brave souls who dared to make their presence known to her. Her act was clearly not scripted and I likened her ease and confidence, her storytelling ability and her wisecracking to one of my favourite comedians, Billy Connolly.
A few days later, I agreed to work with Crissy over a trial period of one month, to see if we could pull together her life story into a marketable autobiography. She supplied me with 23,000 words of her musings and ramblings she’d collected over the years. I could see immediately that Crissy was dyslexic and had clearly struggled to construct the sentences and paragraphs. But shining through the pages like a beacon were the words of someone who could not only tell a story but also tell it sincerely and with an enormous amount of honest, raw emotion.
No matter how hard life had kicked Crissy Rock in the teeth, she always bounced back, and had the incredible ability to drag humour and positivity out of any situation, no matter how desperate or dire it seemed.
She told me modestly that she had done a little acting. Her award-winning performance in Ladybird Ladybird brought me to the verge of tears and I marvelled at her performances in such films and TV series as Dockers, Brazen Hussies, Springhill, Hero, Born to Run, Butterfly Collectors, Trial & Retribution, The Factory, Closure, Nice Guy Eddie and Night Collar as I watched many of them over and over again on DVD.
Her talents didn’t end with acting. When I visited her at her modest home in Benidorm, some amazing paintings adorned her walls, ones that I felt should be on display in galleries in London, Paris or New York. I commented that they must be worth a fortune and asked if she had insured them. She smiled as she pointed to the signature on each one: the moniker of Crissy Rock herself…
I watched more of her stage performances in Benidorm, and one night, at the end of her act, she broke out into a stunning rendition of ‘Simply The Best’ that floored the audience. As she finished, she turned to face them and said, ‘You didn’t know I could sing, did you?’
They didn’t. Neither did I.
Crissy Rock is a genius, of that there is no doubt. As I strive to perfect my chosen art of writing, she breezes through four skills – comedienne, actress, artist, writer – with consummate ease, an incredible achievement. However, what makes her so special are the barriers and obstacles she has had to overcome in order to succeed. She is undoubtedly one of the strongest characters I have ever had the pleasure to work with. For Crissy, this book was an enormous help in coming to terms with the demons that have plagued her throughout her lifetime. It not only represented closure for her, but also could demonstrate to others that, despite everything that life can throw at you, if you have the belief in your own ability and love the person inside, you can overcome anything. She is living proof of that.
I want her to know that I love her to bits and have enjoyed every second of her company during the construction of this quite remarkable book. Now that our project is complete, I hope our friendship continues and I have the chance to work with her again.
There was a time when I couldn’t read a book, never mind write one. But, once I had learned to read and write, I used my basic writing technique to exorcise my demons. I read voraciously, anything and everything I could get my hands on, and tried to emulate the great writers by scribbling down notes, mostly in the middle of the night after a bad dream: a special blend of my own ramblings and philosophy that would hopefully stick around for many years to come, long after I’m dead.
To write this book, I purchased a laptop computer that helped with the spellcheck and grammar, although half the time it didn’t know what I was trying to say, never mind spell it for me. I would wake up from a particularly bad nightmare and would then batter away for hours on the keyboard until daylight came. You, dear reader, will share those nightmares with me during the course of this book.
I wanted to write this book for my children and grandchildren, no one else. I want them to understand why I have sometimes made mistakes and bad decisions along the way. I want them to realise that anyone can rise like a phoenix from the ashes. Often it isn’t easy, in fact it’s bloody difficult, and, every now and then, you need a little luck and an odd break here and there. I want this book to capture hopes and dreams, and show anyone who reads it that humour can rise to the surface, no matter what the circumstances. I am no one special, just an ordinary person who once had a break that changed my life, and laughing through the tears helped me cope.
So join me on my journey of sadness and joy, and of triumph and pain, and accompany me through the alleyways of my life, during which I somehow changed from Christine Murray into Crissy Rock.
A pain like fire ripped across the whole side of my jaw and I became aware of a deafening noise tearing through my ears. My whole body seemed to lift off the ground and, within a split second, I was lying dazed in a heap on the floor.
It didn’t stop there. My husband threw himself on top of my near-unconscious body, raining blows about my head and body. The ordeal only lasted a minute, maybe two at the most, but it seemed like an eternity.
When it was all over, I heard the front door slamming and was overcome by an eerie silence, broken only by my own sobbing and sniffling, and my heart beating as fast as I’d ever known. I ached everywhere. I just lay there in total confusion, aware of some warm, sticky, wet liquid across my face. As I touched it, the liquid oozed through the gaps between my fingers. I cried like a baby until I could remember crying no more.
I fell asleep, and, when I woke again,