Note: To read before the wedding. Yury Gurkov
broken relationships live on, try, get acquainted on dating sites, where they polish their patience. Now they understand more. They know that quarrels, different views on the routine and obvious manifestations of selfishness are an absolutely normal part of a relationship. It is the same as brushing your teeth every day or cooking. Two always different people with different habits, character buildings and different everything else are getting used to each other. Here the sparks are as great as sharpness of the principles and character of each of them.
The wiser of the two becomes softer in order to preserve relationships and family. The wiser irons out the differences for the sake of love, “for both me and my love”. This can be called the greatest wisdom in family relationships. Love begins to warm up again. It heats up when a person with a promising set of characteristics is next to you. You cannot make anything with an indifferent egoist. He is cold to any gentleness. And you cannot forget about others who are shallow – hearted, those who do not know how to appreciate their relatives and live for them and do something for them.
In the development of such family wisdom the spouses are already thinking not about what he or she owes to the partner, but what he/ she can do for the other. As a rule, these are the most common actions, nothing special but the desire to do something for your beloved gives birth to love. The real desire turns into actions, it does not go astray in thoughts.
Just cover the sleeping spouse with a blanket, make no noise and let him sleep for another hour, vacuum instead of him, go to the dry cleaner, and turn on his favorite music, light a fragrant candle in the room. This is the peak of true love in terms of temperature and actions.
To give more than you get in return is the true expression of love. It is about clear and simple care. Giving your energy, time, and talents caring about your loved one every day – is true love. Receiving care and doing nothing in return, trying only to command, reproach, ridicule, suppress by knowledge of the topic or education in something, put ultimatums, using not “beautiful words” or yelling, live for yourself and your pleasures in marriage – this is hardly can be called ‘love’, this is selfishness with your own servant. What of this have you already seen in your life? What drives you wild?
TO GIVE MORE THAN YOU GET IN RETURN IS THE TRUE EXPRESSION OF LOVE. IT IS ABOUT CLEAR AND SIMPLE CARE.
Example:
“Honey, I love you very much!” When he sits every evening in front of the TV, and the wife first prepares food, then rushes and does in parallel, because there is not enough time in turn, washing dishes, ironing, washing the floors and the rest. At the same time, the husband can repeat more than once in the evening that he loves you, that he has a soft spot for you, that you are the best.
This is not love! Why? Is not the girl supposed to do everything around the house, and the husband's job is to get money? Got it, came, sat down, ate some food, drank, fell asleep a little, limping. After all, in most cases it is!
Let's agree that the book will rarely use the word «love» and vice versa, instead of it – a possible interpretation of its meaning in everyday life and these are – care and actions that confirm that he loves you. And another convention – I will write for girls on behalf of the male sex, but this is also a mirror for young men who choose their own best wife.
Here I want to make a watershed between ‘to love doing nothing’ and ‘to love with caring about your beloved’ in an infinite number of ways. I am for the second option, when you can see the actions in relation to you, and feel the desire to make you even a little happier. Such acts of care and attention cannot include courtship from guys before the wedding, for example, compliments, bouquets of flowers, boxes of chocolates or individual chocolates, theatre trips or evenings in the cafes, going to the parties, birthday parties and so on. Why?
These are just elements of courtship, natural guys’ steps to achieve their goals and intentions. They can be serious and many times more often not serious. Actions can be only for a pastime, for simple carnal delights. And this is exactly what the letters of this book, sequentially folded into tips, and is trying to protect you from.
After saying «a», let's go to «b». You can hear from girls: “I look through a guy and if he only needs me for sex, I immediately drop him”.
Oh… It would be much less reason to write, if most of the young or not very young girls, knew this «subject» on ‘excellent’ mark, they would not be caught like birds in a snare over and over again. Even more often you have to feel sympathetic to the girls’ stories when they fell into this trap and immediately saw so much new in their chosen one that from under the bouquets and compliments was not seen. The chosen one either immediately disappeared after getting what he wanted, or disappeared without getting it.
We will return to the "copybook maxims" for girls more than once. And one of the first essential things, which we briefly have to stop at, because of its location on the surface of the type “let's separate the wheat from the chaff”, is to learn how to separate:
– ostents of love that are not in words and messages, not in moments of hugs;
– lust from a serious relationship;
– how much your chosen one is willing to do something for you and not for himself.
Who among us can love? Why are you asking such a strange question? Everyone can love! It is nothing to do – to love. It is about our desire to be with this special one every minute and every second, to breathe the same air. Then it turns out that love is just sitting next to him or lying down not far from him? Moreover, all this is different with different people. The question is so intimate and unexplained.
Is it worth asking such a question? Believe me, it worth it. This is another key in one of the doors of the suite of your palace of understanding about love. There are many rooms, one after the other, each of a different color and decoration. Open it, let's see what you have there, how you put love on the shelves in this room. And as the word «enfilade» in French means to string on a thread, so you will be interested to see what is on your thread of “the ability to love”.
It is simply necessary to make a small digression here, before the reader loses interest in understanding the theme. The idea is simple: love is not just our sighs, desires and passions. Love is a work in which you can show how do you care about beloved one. You show it all the time – you really love him/ her, you just talk about love – it is obvious that you do not love your partner. At the very beginning of a relationship, excessive talkativeness about feelings and love on the part of a young person is bound to alert, especially if actions with a desire to show it, except for gifts and cafes, are far behind or absent.
The ability to care and love is a real moral work which helps you to calm or encourage, inspire to overcome difficulties, meet your precious after a working day, and many other things like that. And this all has to be learned, just as we first learned to read or write. Moving in the relationship to higher levels is like first we learn how to keep in hand a pen and years after learn calligraphy.
I will use some wonderful images and description of this from the famous author, philosopher, psychologist Erich Fromm from the book "the Art of love".
We learn how to drive a car, we go to courses. We also learn to count at school and learn foreign languages. First, the theory, the rules, and then we go to practice driving, if this is a driver's course. With foreign languages it is the same, everything is very clear – first we learn the rules, then we begin to pronounce the easiest standard phrases. And then we polish this skill for many years, either when we drive a car or speak the new language.
Who said that you can love? Have you studied the theory of how to love? What are the rules, what does the course consist of? Did you study the theoretical part to be able to love? There are so few people. You can safely give an answer – no one even thinks, no one studies the theory. What about the practice? Have you had any practical lessons on how to love (please do not confuse it with sex)? Did you start your practical training with the simplest things of love for your loved one?
Most people are completely sure that they know how to love and that this is not necessary to learn: neither to analyze the theory, nor to engage in incomprehensible practice. This is about as absurd as telling someone who does not know