Tida. Zhanuzak Tursynbayev
some kind of a smile on his face while he was looking at his son’s photo but it disappeared right away.
– To speak in a calm manner? If only everything that you said would be this way, Pasha. If only everything you said was not like this. But what’s the point of awareness if the heart is bleeding? There is no remedy from it, unfortunately. I’ll be waiting for you, Pasha,– he said in the empty space and Pavel didn’t hear it while going downstairs.
After coming back home, Pavel couldn’t get himself together for a long time. The conversation with Muhit didn’t leave his mind. Even his wife noticed something strange. She noticed that he was concerned and during the dinner she asked him:
– Pavel, is everything okay with you? Is there anything wrong with your job? You didn’t even touch the food… Shall you have some rest? This new position of yours has really worn you out… Perhaps you should refuse your new position of the head of the department? You didn’t want to have it from the beginning. You are a good doctor. Let somebody else take this position… Do you think it’s pleasant for me as well? I see that something is going on,– his wife Irina stood up worried.
– You know, Irisha, I visited Muhit today. Yes, it was him. But I couldn’t recognize the poor thing right away. I’m afraid something bad might happen if I don’t stop him. All my mind is occupied with him, Irisha. I’m sorry. I was not just terrified by his appearance. I was terrified by his words, sweetheart. His words cut me like a knife… Those were the words of a father who truly and madly loved his child… It’s not even about the fact that I’ve been asked about him all these days at work. But I can’t do anything at work after that… I feel so sorry for him anyways. He is my only friend. I couldn’t even recognize him. The grief, the tragic loss of his son is killing him, poor thing he is. He is drinking over all possible limits. He will destroy himself this way. I need to visit him again in a couple of days. I promised him. Maybe he didn’t hear my words but when I was walking away, I told him so. But as his friend I want to be honest with him and keep my word. And I will do so. He has nobody around now, all alone, It is me who has to help him to break this vicious circle now. Otherwise all of us will lose this great person… That’s what I saw at his home,– he said sadly and thoughtfully.
– Yeah, I agree with you, Pavel. He is a great person. Help him if it’s possible. Even his wife is not around him, which is a pity… You said she calls you rarely… Why did she leave that poor thing alone? Pavel, let me heat your dinner up again. You need to eat. You shouldn’t torture yourself with his problems. I’ve been worried for you, Pavel,– she said with a concerned look.
– Yes, she calls me every week and cries all the time. She wants to learn about him. Who else could she also call but me? Do you think I should’ve told him about her calls today? Should I’ve told him so that he would begin blaming himself for that one as well? What a fool I’ve been! I was covering myself up with work while he was suffering… And now I understand Mereke. She didn’t leave him forever. She knows him so well. She knows his personality. She knows that he will not let everyone live until he sorts all the things out. That’s how his brain works, Irisha. He is Muhit and he has to go till the end… He has to understand and realize what happened. To accept what happened and, the most crucial part, understand himself. How didn’t I get it right away? It is not in the power of anyone to realize what happened to his son. But he is not a simple person. He will not just give up. And if I know him right, he is this kind of person! Oh, my friend. You have the right to be offended with me. That I started understanding you only now. Thank you, Irina, for your conversation. Now I’m really hungry. Oh, Irisha, this is how all of us, men, are. We are complicated and simple. It’s like everything is concealed but if you take a closer look, everything is located on the surface,– he said to his wife in a more lively manner.
– Pavel, you are so smart. Do what you intend. And if your heart says that you’re doing the right thing, go ahead then. We are also growing kids… I know how much you value your friendship with Muhit. Pavel, I got so moved while I was listening to you. And I understand him now. And poor Mereke! How is she now? She feels twice as hard,– she was saying that while watching her beloved husband operating with silvery deftly, while eating.
– Thank you for these words. You have never been more right. That’s what I’m thinking about. That he needs those important words. And I have some hope that our conversation hasn’t been useless. But what is waiting for us in the future? You know, Irina, I have a feeling that he needs some kind of support. He needs something to push away and leave that place. The place which might not let him go now. Yes, I felt it all today and I guess I need to think more. I need to think more and get prepared for our next conversation,– he said that without raising his head and went on with his dinner.
These two days have gone so fast. Pavel had an image of his friend all these days. He was tensed by the idea that his friend might not be eager to see him. He left his job a little earlier and headed to Muhit’s place again. He took some food with him and went upstairs right to his apartment. The door was not locked, he pushed it and went in. Muhit was sleeping on the sopha. Nothing had changed as it was before. The things were all around. The empty alcohol bottles were thrown everywhere around. It all caught Pavel’s eyes. After thinking for a little he opened the window to let the fresh air in. The fresh flow came up to the room right away. He took off his jacket and started cleaning up. He took away all unnecessary things, including the empty bottles. Muhit was still sleeping tightly. And only when he started to move chairs which were lying on the floor, he heard his groaning.
– Who’s here? Who are you? Walk away whoever you are,– he said in a rude sleepy voice.
– It’s enough to lay here as an old man. You’ve been lying here and trying to command me. You’d better help me,– shortly but confidently said Pavel and started laughing, surprised by himself.
– Is that you, Pasha? What are you doing here? What have you done to the room? Have I asked you to do something? I don’t wanna see you. Thank you, indeed, but leave me alone. I’m not ready to talk to you today,– he said, confused but showing his unpleasure, still lying on the sopha.
– I've heard you, Muhit. You are feeling sorry for yourself that’s why you’ve been doing this to you. What are you looking like? What does your apartment look like? Is that you, Muhit? Is that Muhit who always gave me valuable pieces of advice?! Get ready. We’re going to my home. Irina cooked something there. She’s not home so we’ll spend some time there. She went to Almaty to see her parents. You’ll eat. And take a shower as well. When was the last time you ate something, Muhit? If you wish, I can be silent…. Just let me help you clean up here,– he said puting the tissue away.
– What kind of food? Have you lost your mind, Pasha? Let it all go to hell. Please, leave, Pasha. You see that I’m not ready for anything. You hurt me with your presence, Pasha. Or is it pleasant for you to torture me with yoyr questions?– Muhit asked him as if begging.
– Muhit, you remember I told you I was feeling low? It happened, remember? Nothing was going well for me. The work was all wrecked, my wife was sick and hospitalized… I needed to be everything and be on time. I told you then why everything was going wrong for me. Unlike the others. I experienced a sudden happiness and sadness and concern for my family. It was throwing me back and forth… Do you remember, Muhit? Everything around seemed to be one solid problem. And you told me only one phrase which put everything in its place right away… You told me then: what do you want, Pasha? You are a doctor and always need to hold your head high. That many people watch us and find some kind of support in us. At least some kind of support. Life is like a heart rate monitor. Yeah, that’s what you said. And I was even surprised by your response. And it is actually true. Doesn’t everything we see and everything happening prove your theory? I told myself you were a genius then. You noticed everything around and made such a comparison. It’s true, a heart rate is jumping up and down, a straight line is for the dead… So you have to remember that life is all about ups and downs. It will remind you that you have to go back. Did your words help me then? Obviously, they did, Muhit. But now take your own words back and address them to your own self! Yes, you’re having a really hard time now, I understand! I don’t judge you for doing all of these to yourself recently. Find yourself, my friend! You are the only