The Complete Works of Josh Billings. Billings Josh
hair, or tare oph the lip.
Qu. – Kan yu inform me the best way that haz yet been invented yet to bring up a boy?
Ans. – Giv me 10 dollars and i will tell you. But here is a recipee that i giv away. Bring up your boy in fear ov the rod and a gin mill.
Qu. – Iz thare enny kure for natral laziness, whare it iz a part ov a man’s constitushun and bye laws?
Ans. – Only one kure, that iz, milk a cow on the run, and subsist on the milk.
Qu. – How fast duz sound travel?
Ans. – This depends a good deal upon the natur ov the noize yu are talking about. The sound ov a dinner horn for instance travels a half a mile in a seckond, while an invitashun tew git up in the morning I hav known to be 3 quarters ov an hour going up two pair ov stairs, and then not hav strength enuff left tew be heard.
WHISSLING
I hav spent a grate deal ov sarching, and sum money, tew find out who waz the first whissler, but up tew now i am just az mutch uncivilized on the subjekt az i waz.
I kan tell who played on the first juice harp, and who beat the fust tin pan, and i kno the year the harp ov a thousand strings waz diskovered in, but when whissling waz an infant, iz az hard for me tew say, az mi prayers in lo dutch.
Whissling iz a wind instrument, and iz did bi puckring up the mouth, and blowing through the hole.
Thare aint no tune on the whole earth but what kan be played on this instrument, and that selebrated old tune, Yankeedoodle haz bin almost whissled tew deth.
Grate thinkers are not apt tew be good whisslers, in fakt, when a man kant think ov nothing, then he begins tew whissell. We seldom see a raskal who iz a good whissler, thare iz a grate deal ov honor bright, in a sharp, well puckered whissell.
Good whisslers are gitting skarse, 75 years ago they waz plenty, but the desire tew git ritch, or tew hold offiss, haz took the pucker out ov this honest, and cheerful amuzement.
If i had a boy, who couldn’t whissell, i don’t want tew be understood, that i should feel at liberty, tew giv the boy up for lost, but i would mutch rather he would kno how tew whissell fust rate, than to kno how tew play a seckond rate game ov kards.
I wouldn’t force a boy ov mine tew whissell agin his natral inclinashun.
Wimmin az a kind, or in the lump, are poor whizzlers, i don’t kno how i found this out, but i am glad ov it, it iz a good deal like crowing in a hen.
Crowing iz an unladylike thing in a hen tew do.
I hav often heard hens tri tew cro, but i never knu one tew do herself justiss.
A rooster kan krow well, and a hen kan kluk well, and i sa let each one ov them stik tew their trade.
Klucking iz jist az necessary in this wurld az crowing espeshily if it iz well did.
But i want it well understood that i am the last man on reckord who would refuse a woman a chance tew whissell if she waz certain she had the right pucker for it.
I never knu a good whissler but what had a good constitushun. Whissling iz compozed ov pucker and wind, and these two accomplishments denote vigor.
Sum people alwus whissell whare thare iz danger – this they do to keep the fraid out ov them. When i waz a boy i alwus konsidered whissling the next best thing to a kandle to go down cellar with in the nite time.
The best whisslers i hav ever heard hav bin amung the negroes (i make this remark with the highest respekt to the accomplishments ov the whites), i hav herd a south karoliny darkey whissell so natral that a mocking-bird would drop a worm out ov hiz bill and talk back to the nigger.
I dont want enny better evidence ov the general honesty thare iz in a whissell than the fackt that thare aint nothing which a dog will answer quicker than the wissell ov hiz master, and dogs are az good judges ov honesty az enny kritters that live.
It iz hard work to phool a dog once, and it iz next to impossible to phool him the sekond time.
I aint afraid to trust enny man for a small amount who iz a good whissler.
I wouldn’t want to sell him a farm on credit, for i should expekt to hav to take the farm back after awhile and remove the mortgage miself.
Yu cant whissell a mortgage oph from a farm.
A fust rate whissler iz like a middling sized fiddler, good for nothing else, and tho whissling may keep a man from gitting lonesum, it wont keep him from gitting ragged.
I never knu a bee hunter but what waz a good whissler, and i dont kno ov enny bizzness on the breast ov the earth that will make a man so lazy and useless, without acktually killing him, az hunting bees in the wilderness.
Hunting bees and writing seckond rate verses are evidences ov sum genius, but either of them will unfit a man for doing a good square day’s work.
HOTELS
Hotels are houses ov refuge, homes for the vagrants, the married man’s retreat, and the bachelor’s fireside.
They are kept in all sorts ov ways, sum on the European plan, and menny ov them on no plan at all.
A good landlord iz like a good stepmother, he knows hiz bizzness and means to do hiz duty.
He knows how to rub hiz hands with joy when the traveler draws nigh, he knows how to smile, he knew yure wife’s father when he waz living, and yure wife’s fust husband, but he don’t speak about him.
He kan tell whether it will rain to-morrow or not, he hears yure komplaints with a tear in hiz eye, he blows up the servants at yure suggestion, and stands around reddy, with a shirt collar az stiff az broken china.
A man may be a good supream court judge and at the same time be a miserable landlord.
Most evrybody thinks they kan keep a hotel (and they kan), but this ackounts for the grate number ov hotels that are kept on the same principle that a justiss ov the peace offiss iz kept in the country during a six-days’ jury trial for killing sumboddy’s yello dorg.
A hotel wont keep itself and keep the landlord too, and ever kure a traveler from the habit ov profane swareing.
I hav had this experiment tried on me several times, and it alwus makes the swares, wuss.
It iz too often the kase that landlords go into the bizzness ov hash az ministers go into the professhun, with the very best ov motives, but the poorest kind ov prospecks.
I dont know ov enny bizzness more flattersum than the tavern bizzness, there dont seem to be ennything to do but to stand in front ov the register with a pen behind the ear and see that the guests enter themselfs az soon az they enter the house, then yank a bell-rope six or seven times, and then tell John to sho the gentleman to 976, and then take four dollars and fifty cents next morning from the poor devil ov a traveler and let him went.
This seems to be the whole thing (and it iz the whole thing) in most cases.
Yu will diskover the following deskripshun a mild one, ov about 9 hotels out ov 10 between the Atlantik and Pacifick Oshuns akrost the United States in a straight line:
Yure room iz 13 foot 6 inches, by 9 foot 7 inches, parallelogramly.
It being court week (az usual), all the good rooms are employed bi the lawyers and judges.
Yure room iz on the uttermost floor.
The carpet iz ingrain – ingrained with the dust, kerosene ile, and ink-spots ov four generashuns.
Thare iz two pegs in the room tew hitch coats onto, one ov them broke oph, and the other pulled out, and missing.
The buro haz three legs, and one brick.
The glass to the buro swings on two pivots, which hav lost their grip.
Thare iz one towel on the rack, thin, but wet. The rain water in the pitcher cum out ov the well.
The soap iz az tuff tew wear az a whetstone.
The