The Complete Works of Josh Billings. Billings Josh
spirits ov just men made perfek, but we hav now, (o alass!) spirits ov the dam.
One half-pint ov the present prevailing rum would ruin a deacon in twenty minitts.
Farewell, good old nu England rum, with some tanzy in yer, thou hast gone! yest, thou hast gone tew that bourn from which no good spirits cums back.
“Rum, reguiescat, et liquorissimus.”
“Arly to bed, and arly to rize.”
When our ancestors landed on Plimoth Rok out ov the Mayflower, and stood in front ov the grate lanskape spred out before them, reaching from the boisterious Atlantik to the buzzum ov the plaintive Pacifick, they brought with them, among other tools, the art ov gitting up in the morning and going tew bed at nite in decent seazon.
This art they was az familiar to them, az codfish for brekfast.
They knu it bi heart.
It waz the eleventh command in their katekism.
They taut it tew their children, their yung men and maidens, and if a yung one waz enny ways slow about larning it he waz invited out to the korn-krib, and thare the art waz explained tew him, so that he got hold ov the idee for ever and amen.
I am sorry to say that this art iz now lost, or missing.
What a loss waz here, my countrymen!
I pauze for a reply.
Not a word do I hear.
Silence iz its epitaph.
Perhaps some profane and unthinking cuss will exklaim – “Let her rip!”
Arly tew bed and arly tew rize, is either a thing of the past or a thing that ain’t cum – it certainly don’t exist in theze parts now.
It haz not only gone itself, but it haz took oph a whole lot ov good things with it.
This art will positively never be diskovered agin; it waz the child ov innocense and vigor, and this breed ov children are like the babes in the wood, and deserted bi their unkle.
“Honesty.” – Honesty iz one ov the arts and sciences.
Learned men will tell you that the abuv assershun iz one ov Josh Billings infernal lies, and yer hav a perfekt rite tew believe them, but i don’t.
Honesty iz jist az much an art az politeness iz, and never waz born with a man enny more than the capacity to spell the word Nebuddkenozzer right the first time waz.
It took me seven years to master this word, and i and Noer Webster both disagree about the right way now.
Sum men are natrally more addikted tew honesty than others, jist az sum hav a better ear for musik, and larn how tew hoist and lower the 8 notes, more completely than the next man.
Honesty iz one ov the lost or mislaid arts – thare may be excepshuns tew this rule, but the learned men all agree that “excepshuns prove the rule.”
The only doubts i hav about this matter iz tew lokate the time very cluss, when honesty waz fust lost.
When Adam in the garden of Eden waz asked, “Whare art thou Adam” and afterwards explained hiz abscence by saying, “I, waz afraid” iz az far back az I hav bin able tew trace the fust indikashuns ov weakness in this grand and nobel art.
I shouldn’t be suprized if this art never waz fully recovered again during mi day.
I aint so anxious about it on mi own ackount, for i kan manage tew worry along sumhow without it, but what iz a going tew bekum ov the grate mass ov suffering humanity?
This iz a question that racks mi simpathetick buzzum!
HINTS TO COMIK LEKTURERS
Comic lekturing iz an unkommon pesky thing to do.
It iz more unsarting than the rat ketching bizzness az a means ov grace, or az a means ov livelyhood.
Most enny boddy thinks thev kan do it, and this iz jist what makes it so bothersum tew do.
When it iz did jist enuff, it iz a terifick success, but when it iz overdid, it iz like a burnt slapjax, very impertinent.
Thare aint but phew good judges ov humor, and they all differ about it.
If a lekturer trys tew be phunny, he iz like a hoss trying to trot backwards, pretty apt tew trod on himself.
Humor must fall out ov a mans mouth, like musik out ov a bobalink, or like a yung bird out ov its nest, when it iz feathered enuff to fly.
Whenever a man haz made up hiz mind that he iz a wit, then he iz mistaken without remedy, but whenever the publick haz made up their mind that he haz got the disease, then he haz got it sure.
Individuals never git this thing right, the publik never git it wrong.
The publik never cheat themselfs, nor other folks, when they weigh out glory.
Thare iz jist 16 ounces in a pound ov glory, and no more, that is, by the publiks steelyards.
Humor iz wit with a roosters tail feathers stuck in its cap, and wit iz wisdom in tight harness.
No man kan be a helthy phool unless he haz nussed at the brest ov wisdom.
Thoze who fail in the comik bizzness are them who hav bin put out to nuss, or bin fetched up on a bottle.
If a man iz a genuine humorist, he iz superior tew the bulk ov hiz aujience, and will often times hav tew take hiz pay for hiz services in thinking so.
Altho fun iz designed for the millyun, and ethiks for the few, it iz az true az molasses, that most all aujiences hav their bell wethers, people who show the others the crack whare the joke cums laffing in.
I hav known popular aujences deprived ov all plezzure during the recital ov a comik lektur, just bekauze the right man, or the right woman, want thare tew point out the mellow places.
The man who iz anxious tew git before an aujience, with what he calls a comik lektur, ought tew be put immediately in the stocks, so that he kant do it, for he iz a dangerous person tew git loose, and will do sum damage.
It iz a very pleazant bizzness tew make people laff, but thare iz mutch odds whether they laff at you, or laff at what yu say.
When a man laffs at yu, he duz it because it makes him feel superior to you, but when yu pleaze him with what yu have uttered, he admits that yu are superior tew him.
The only reazon whi a monkey alwus kreates a sensashun whareever he goes, is simply bekauze – he is a monkey.
Everyboddy feels az tho they had a right tew criticize a comik lectur, and most ov them do it jist az a mule criticizes things, by shutting up both eyes and letting drive with hiz two behind leggs.
Humor haz but phew rules tew be judged by, and they are so delikate that none but the most delikate kan define them.
It is dredful arbitrary tew ask a man tew laff who don’t feel the itch ov it.
One ov the meanest things in the comik lektring employment that a man haz to do, iz tew try and make that large class ov hiz aujience laff whom the Lord never intended should laff.
Thare iz sum who laff az eazy and az natral az the birds do, but most ov mankind laff like a hand organ – if yu expect tew git a lively tune out ov it yu hav got tew grind for it.
In delivering a comik lektur it iz a good general rule to stop sudden, sometime before yu git through. This enables the aujience, if they hav had enuff, tew be satisfied with what they hav had, and if they want enny more, it enables them to hanker for it.
I know it iz dredful tuff, when a man iz on one end ov a stick ov molasses kandy, tew quit till he gits clean through; but he musn’t forgit that hiz aujience may not be so sweet on molassiss kandy az he iz.
I hav got a very lonesum opinyun ov the comik lektring bizziness, and if I waz well shut ov it, and knu how tew git an honest living at ennything else, (except opening clams, and keeping a districkt skool,) i would quit tommorrow, and either