The Complete Works of Josh Billings. Billings Josh
will kill 14 chickens in one night, and take off the blood with them, leaving the corpse behind.
I hunted 3 weeks for a weazle once (it iz now six years ago), and knu just whare he waz all the the time, and hain’t got him yet.
I offered 10 dollars reward for him, and hold the stakes yet.
Every boy in that naborhood waz after that weazle nite and day, and I had tew withdraw the reward to keep from breaking up the distrikt skool.
The skoolmaster threatened tew su me if i didn’t, and i did it, for i hate a law suit rather wuss than i do a weazle.
A weazle’s skin, wore on the neck, it iz sed, will kure the quinsy sore thrut, but the phellow who sed this had a sure thing; he knu nobody could ketch the weazle.
I waz told, when i waz a boy, by a cunning cuss, that the way tew ketch a crow waz tew put sum salt on hiz tail. I prakticed all one summer on this, but never got sum crow.
I hav did things az foolish az this since i hav quit being a boy, but prefer tew keep mum what they are.
Weazles hav got no wisdum, but hav got what iz sumtimes mistaken for it, they hav got cunning.
Cunning stands in the same relashun tew wisdum that a tadpole duz tew a frog, he may git tew be a frog if he keeps on growing, but he aint one now.
Wisdum knows how tew jump, but about the best thing that cunning can do iz tew wiggle.
I hav saw cunning men who thought they waz wize, but i never saw a wise man who thought he waz cunning.
ANGLE WORMS
Are ov arth, arthy, and crawl for a living. They liv in ritch ground; ground that won’t raize angle-worms won’t raize ennything else, and whare angle-worms rejoice, corn iz sure to be bully. If yu want yure angleworms ov enny size, yu must manure yure sile. There aint nothing on arth more miserable tew ponder over and weep about than a half starved angle-worm. Angleworms are a sure crop on good sile, and handy tew hoe, for they plant and harvest themselfs. They don’t take up mutch room in the ground, and are az kind tew childen az a piece ov red tape.
It iz sed by the naturalists that angle worm ile, rubbed on the rear ov the neck, will kure a man ov the lies. I don’t beleave this, unless it kills the man. Death iz the only reliable heal for lieing that has bin diskovered yet.
When lieing gits into a man’s blood, the only way tew git it out, iz tew drain him dry.
Angle worms are used az an artikle ov diet tew ketch fish with; they are handy tew put onto a hook, and handy tew take oph, az enny boddy knows, who haz straddled a saw log and fished for daice all day long Sunday in a mill pond.
Old fishermen alwus carry their worms in their mouth.
Angle worms liv in a round hole, which they fit like a gimlet, and are diffrent from aul other creeps that I kno ov, for they alwus back into their holes.
Here the natral angle worm ends.
THE MOUSE
Ever since natur waz diskovered, mice hav had a hole tew till.
Paradise, az good a job az it waz, would not hav bin thoroughly fitted up without a mouse tew dart akross the bowers like a shaddo, and Eve would never have knu how tew skream pretty without one ov these little teachers.
Adam would never hav bin fit tew kontend with the job ov gitting a living outside the garden if he hadn’t trapped suckcessfully for a mouse.
Ketching a mouse iz the fust cunning thing that every man duz.
Mice are the epitome of shrewdness; their faces beam with sharp praktiss; their little noses smell ov cunning, and their little black-beaded eyes titter with pettit larceny.
They are az cheerful az the criket on the harth. I should be afrade tew buy a house that hadn’t a mouse-hole in it.
I like tew see them shoot out ov their hole in the korner, like a wad out ov a pop-gun, and stream akross the nursery, and to hear one nibble in the wainscot, in the midst ov the night, takes the death out ov silence.
Mice alwus move into a new house fust, and are there reddy tew receive and welkum the rest ov the family.
They are more ornamental than useful, ackording to the best informashun we hav az yet; but this iz the case with most things.
Mice cum into this world tew seek their fortune, four at a time, and lay in their little kradles ov cotton or wool, like bits ov rare-dun meat, for a month, with not a rag on them.
When they dine, they do it jist az a family ov yung piggs duz: each one at their own particular spot at the table, and it is seldum that yu see better-behaved boarders, or them that understand their bizzness more thoroughly.
I hav seen them at their meals, and i will take mi oath that everything iz orderly, and az strikly on the square, as a checker-board.
When mice hav reached their manhood, their tales are just the same length az their boddys. This would seem at fust sight tew be a grate waste ov tail.
The philosophik mind, ever at work, applying means tew ends, might be a bigg phool enuff tew want to know whi a bob-tailed mouse wouldn’t be a better finished job; but philosophy haz no bizzness tew alter things to suit the market. It must take mouse-tails just az they cum, and either glorify them, or shut up.
If there want ennybody in the natral philosophy trade, i hav thought it would be jist as well for natur bekause a man, if he kant orthodox a reason for the entire length ov a mouse’s tale iz often willing tew tell hiz nabors that the whole critter iz a failure.
Sutch iz man; but a mouse iz a mouse.
The mouse kan live ennywhare tew advantage, except in a church. They phatt very slow in a church. This goes tew show that they kant live on religion enny more than a minister kan. Religion iz excellent for digestion.
Thare aint a more prolifick thing on earth (prolifick ov fun i mean now) than a mouse in a distrikt school-house. They are better than a fire-cracker tew stir up a school-marm with, and are just the things tew throw spellin books at when they are on the run.
One mouse will edukate a parcell ov yung ones more in ten minnitts during school time than you can substrakt out ov their heds in three days with Daballs arithmetik.
Now thare iz many folks who kant see enny thing to write about in a mouse; but mice are full ov informashun. The only way that edukashun was fust discovered waz bi going tew school to natur. Books, if they are sound on the goose, are only natur in tipe.
A grate many kontend that a mouse iz a useless kritter; but kan they prove it?
I am willing to give an opinyun that too menny mice might not pay; but this applies to musketoze, elephants, and side-wheel steambotes.
A mouse’s tale iz az unhairy az a shustring. This iz another thing that bothers the philosophers, and i aint agoing to explain it unless i am paid for it.
I hav alreddy explained a grate menny things in the nuzepapers that i never got a cent for.
There aint nothing on earth that will fit a hole so snug az a mouse will. Yu would think they waz made on purpose for it, and they will fill it quicker, too, than ennything i ever saw. If yu want to see a mouse enter hiz hole, yu mustn’t wink. If do, yu will hav tew wait till next time.
I luv mice. They seem tew belong to us.
Rats i dont luv. They lack refinement.
THE YALLER DOG
Dogs hav infested this world just about az long az man haz, and will hang around it, az long az thare is enny grizzle left on a bone.
We hav no reliable ackount ov the fust dog, and probably shant hav ov the final one.
If Adam kept a tarrier, or Eve a poodle, the laps of ages hav washed away the fakt.
If Noah had a pair ov each breed ov dogs, on board ov hiz vessell, and only one pair ov fleas, he waz well ont for dogs, and poor ont for fleas. But history iz numb on this subjekt.
Esaw